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In honor of Breeders Cup weekend here is the best horse race in the history of the racing industry.     A more heartbreaking finish these eyes have never seen.  Have a good one….

After suffering more scoreless periods than a spinster aunt, Patty Bergeron’s 5th of the year (with Timmy Thomas pulled) kept the Bruins from headed to an atrocious 10 periods without a goal. Bergie knocked home the point-salvager on the doorstep against the very good version of Carey Price, who has been nearly absent this season, with less than a minute left and the Bruins pressing hard. Price was seemingly woken up after an apparent 2nd period Bergeron goal was rightfully disallowed, though there was no penalty called on the Hab D-man for running Missing Marco Sturm into the net causing it to dislodge.

Though the game will be a referred to a loss because the Bs came out on the short end of the “let’s-win-over-the-Southerners” rule, it’s a good point to be had considering they were down with a minute left against a goalie standing on his head. It’s only fitting that it was Bergeron, who logged over 22 minutes of ice and once again was all over the ice playing Selke-worthy hockey. The Daniel Paille–Steve Begin–Brad Marchand line made the most noise on the night with their incessant hitting and numerous scoring bids. Meanwhile, Marco Sturm, Mike Ryder, and Mark Recchi are still looking for a revival of their stagnant offensive abilities.

For this team, one point per game isn’t going to cut it over the course of the season. But for the short term, it might have to do until the healing reinforcements arrive. With their 17 shots and good movement in the 2nd, it looks like there’s a bunch of goals just around the corner. In reality, it’s just another good goalie around the corner (the last five Bs games have gone under). Next up, the league’s best, Buffalo’s Ryan Miller Saturday at the place with the shittiest pretzels in Boston (barring him getting an unlikely night off). Fortunately, the Bruins also happen to have one of the league’s best in Timmy Thomas.

News.com - JULIE Boyde’s wedding night was ruined when she discovered she was allergic to her husband Mike’s sperm.  The couple had been lovers for two years before they got married and decided to have unprotected sex for the first time on their wedding night.  Almost immediately the bride was in unbearable pain. She found out it was because of Mike’s sperm.  Mike, 27, and Julie, 26, from Ambridge, Pennsylvania, started going out while at university and became engaged two years later, finally having a dream wedding in 2005. They wanted to consummate their union on their wedding night.  “Before we were always very careful and used protection – this time we didn’t,’ said Julie, 26. “We figured, “we’re married, if we get pregnant, we get pregnant”.  “Pretty much right after I knew something was not right because I was in a lot of pain.  “The pain that I was feeling was inside, like somebody sticking needles up inside of me like a real painful burning.  ”It was really scary.”  “On a scale of one to ten, it’s pretty much ten,” she said, describing the pain.  In short, Julie’s body attacks Mike’s sperm and makes it inactive.  The couple have started adoption proceedings to start their family.  The couple are featured in a documentary, Strange Sex, on the ABC in the US. 

See this is precisely why I always tell bitches that you need to have unprotected sex right away.  Because what if shooting my load into you hurts?    Like then what?    We’re probably just not made for each other right?    So you might as well figure that out sooner rather than later.  I mean yeah this guy is trying to act like a hero here by sticking with his wife but  make no mistake about it.  He is just counting the days till he can leave and it wouldn’t be blamed on his lethal sperm.   Because what’s the point of dating somebody or marrying somebody that you can’t fuck bareback?  Like isn’t that why God invented the pill and going steady in the first place?

StatesmanJournal - A 21-year-old Salem man reportedly called 911 to say that his marijuana was missing, but when deputies arrived, he was booked on drunken-driving charges instead, officials said. A man told dispatchers that while he was in the bar, someone broke into his truck, stole $400 cash, a jacket and about 3/4 ounce of marijuana, valued at about $180. About an hour later, the driver called 911 again, angry that deputies had not arrived. Lorance said the dispatcher had difficulty understanding the caller because the driver was driving and stopping several times to vomit. Deputies eventually found the man at 49th Avenue and Fontana Court SE, where he had parked. The man, who was found about 100 feet from his truck, told deputies that he was looking for the people who stole his “weed.”

I got to be honest. I’m starting to kind of get pissed here. I mean how many times do I have to go over this? If your weed gets stolen you call 912. If you can’t talk on your cell phone without puking you call 912. You only call 911 for life threatening emergencies. 912 for everything else. Seriously sometimes I think I’m the only one reading the Stool. Anyway just to make sure we’re all on the same page here is a quick quiz.

1. The Dallas Mavericks are 4 pt dogs and miss 4 of 5 free throws down the stretch and lose in OT by 7. Who do you call?

2. You see a fat bitch in public. Who do you call?

3. Your dad has a heart attack. Who do you call

4. Your weed got stolen by a skinhead. Who do you call?

5. You see Big Daddy Smooth at a Boston sporting event. Who Do You Call?

6. You see a horrible car accident where somebody gets ejected into the street. Who Do You Call?

7. McDonalds is sold out of Chicken McNuggets. Who do you call?

8. Somebody stabs you in the face. Who do you call?

9. You have to take a dump at Fenway Park. Who do you call?

10. You order a Barstool Shirt and it doesn’t arrive for a month. Who do you call?

Answer Key.

1. 912
2. 911 (that’s a life threatening emergency in my book)
3. 911
4. 912
5. 912
6. 911
7. 912
8. 911
9. 912
10. Nobody. Deal with it.

Mirror - This giant snake left two men seriously rattled when it slithered across their windscreen. James Denton and Morne Aspeling were returning to the office when the 4ft reptile emerged from under the bonnet and looked them in the eye.The pair, telecom engineers from Jersey, pulled over and called for help. The snake was safely removed and taken to an animal shelter.

If this happened to me I’d probably just take me own life rather than let it strangle me to death.  I just hate snakes. I don’t care whether we’re talking garden snakes, milk snakes, pythons or what. Bottom-line is that all snakes have bad ass intentions. So the last thing I need in my life right now is having this bitch slither all over my ass and leave that white shit on me like Damien used to do after Jake the Snake DDT’d somebody.  Seriously what was that stuff? Like poison or something?   No thanks.

Pro Football Talk – Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter says that as he prepares to face New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady on Sunday, he has to prepare for a particularly difficult challenge: A quarterback who gets protected by a special set of rules. Asked by Rich Eisen on NFL Network’s Around the League whether Brady has a special set of rules to take care of him, Porter went off. “No question,” Porter said. “When a guy can tell a ref when to throw a flag, and he gets it, he’s got his own rules. They made the rule that you don’t go at the legs for Tom, so when he feels that someone is going at his legs, he just points to the ref and he gets a flag. So I can honestly say that he gets his own rules.”

Dammit!  The Patriots and the NFL had the perfect plan worked out.  To protect Tom Brady and Tom Brady only, all other quarterbacks be damned.  And they would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that meddling linebacker.  But I can see they’re no match for Joey Porters brilliant powers of deduction.  He’s not only tied for the title of the NFL’s second dirtiest player, he’s also Sherlock Holmes.  I’m sure the Pats and the league were hoping no one would notice that Roughing the Passer penalties are only called when Brady’s in there, but you can’t put anything past Joey Porter by golly.  He’s seen Peyton Manning get prison shanked right on the field, Drew Brees get tasered and Ben Roethlisberger get stabbed with a trident, without so much as flag flying.  It was all part of the vast pigskin conspiracy set up to unfairly deny Porter and the Dolphins another all-important AFC East Championship ring like the one he was bragging about earlier in the week.  But you’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool him.

Nice hat asshole.    Fucking New York is so obsessed with us it’s not even funny.    Congrats you won.  Big fucking deal.     Hey Mazz you figure out why we hate NY yet?

- thanks to Andy I guess

Listen I have no problem with Jose Canseco saying he wants to beat Arod to a pulp. I mean lord knows I’m no Arod fan. But don’t say the reason you want to fight him is because he’s a liar and then two seconds later say you “love Springfield”.  I mean come on Jose. Nobody loves Springfield.  So you can’t say you want to beat somebody up for lying and then lie two seconds later.  It’s just unethical.