I would literally follow Bill Belichick into the bowels of hell if he asked me to. Best coach in anything ever. New Orleans here we come!
I would literally follow Bill Belichick into the bowels of hell if he asked me to. Best coach in anything ever. New Orleans here we come!
Given the lack of roster turnover from last year’s Bruins squad, I was tempted to just cut-and-paste last year’s preview while subbing Dougie Hamilton for Joe Corvo, Chris Bourque for Benoit Pouliot, and Tuukka Rask for Tim Thomas and seeing if anyone noticed. But there’s a one huge difference between last year’s edition and this year’s—the 2013 Bruins won’t be entering the season exhausted and hungover after 25 playoff games then a raucous summer of celebration 39 years in the making.
Overcoming a stumble out of the gate last season, the Bs were firing on all cylinders this time last year but when the post-season dance began, they weren’t sharp and didn’t always match Washington’s intensity. So they didn’t last long. Like the hockey players the are, the Bruins were too proud to make any excuses for their surprising first round departure. So I’ll make it for them: they were fucking spent.
Though no player expressly said it, there were a couple of quotes that gave an indication just how drained they were—Shawn Thornton comparing the last two seasons to a baseball season and Greg Campbell noting that it felt like one long season with a small break in the summer. They played a shitload of hockey and when they playoffs rolled around, they had little left in the tank after 189 games in the previous 19 months. They tried. But they were gassed.
Saw this guy setting up shop at a panera. Just walked in and sat down like he was on the 30th floor of the John Hancock.
Love it. Such a power move. Just cuckholding the shit out of Panera. This guy making a cubicle out of their table like it ain’t no thing. Putting pictures of his kids on their desk and shit. Playing some tunes. Probably using their landline. Just waking behind the counter and eating whatever he wants. Taking huge dumps. Awesome.
Absolute HOF smokeshow who is now a Bruins ice girl. Tyler Seguin is probably drooling all over himself as we speak. An absolute hard 10 and my vote for the hottest ice girl in the NHL. Don’t forget our pub crawl tomorrow….
We’re doing a B’s pub crawl this Saturday starting at 1pm. We’re giving away a B’s shirts to anybody who shows up at North Star to jump on board with us. We got Nose Face, Hab’s Suck, Cue the Duckboats etc. Hockey is back. Only way to celebrate it to get shitty. And all the girls who had fake orgasms when they announced the lockout ended better show up.
Schedule of Bars
1pm- North Star
2pm- The Harp
4pm- Hurricane O’Reilly’s
Everybody has been up my asshole since Deadspin broke the Manti Te’o thing. Like hey Pres how jealous are you of Junior? I bet you wish you were them now, blah, blah, blah. Yeah like I’d want to be this squid. Listen I already said that Deadspin did a great job with this story. This is what they are good at. They love doing research and paying for stories and digging up dirt and shit. But the reason I call them Junior is because somewhere along the way they decided they were going to try to do exactly what we do. They started posting weird stories, weird videos and trying to crack jokes etc. It’s like they had a company meeting and said we need to be more like Barstool. Well the only problem is they can’t because as this video shows they are a bunch of comic con nerds. I ain’t mad at them for it. Hell I’m making a fortune on this Te’o thing. Deadspin breaks it. Pageviews makes it. All I ask is they stick to this stuff and leave the funny shit to me. Otherwise I’ll have to stuff this kid in whatever locker he escaped from.
PS – Nice black shirt under the dress shirt. Sick look brah.
DM – She arrived at the recent People’s Choice Awards in a plunging white dress which flashed a good portion of flesh. But new reports are suggesting that Taylor Swift may have undergone some enhancements to her figure of late. According to In Touch magazine, the 23-year-old singer is rumoured to have ‘received a bust boost back in April.’
Yeah Kev, real smart. Taylor Swift is such a prude and hates sex so much that she went and threw some Ds on that bitch. Went under the knife to make her tits pop so she could not have all her famous boyfriends not motorboat and titfuck her. Do you even think before you write something bro? She has clearly been wearing loose fitting, “Oregon Trail” clothing so she could release her bazookas on the world at the People’s Choice Awards.
Obviously all these guys are just jealous. They got dumped by the hottest chick in the world so they try to sully her pristine reputation. Can you really not see that? It’s the “I just got dumped by a girl I love” go-to. Trust me, I know. I’ve used it a million times. Say she’s crazy or annoying or sucks in the sack. That’s what exes do. But God love her, Taylor stays above all that mud slinging. Walks around town with her head held high, her fake chest puffed out, then picks up an acoustic guitar and writes a Billboard topper about the guy. It’s called being mature and respecting the break-up.
Quit writing about awesome celebrities and just keep your dick in your parents, dummy.
Over his 17 year career, Ray Lewis has set a lot of NFL records. Not the least of which might be the unofficial mark for invoking God’s name the most times. Pregame. Post game. In game. When the fact of the matter is Ray and The Almighty might not really be all that close. If I’ve learned anything all those Sunday mornings before I got my Fantasy lineup set, it’s that it’s not just enough to throw God’s name out there. You have to live by His rules. The Creator is a strict disciplinarian. To put it in NFL terms, He’s not a player’s coach. He’s not Pete Carroll; he’s Tom Coughlin. He’s going to micromanage how you do things. He’ll fine you for only coming 10 minutes early to a meeting and it will seem unfair. But if you play by the rules and do what you’re told, He’ll lead you to the Promised Land.
The issue I have is it seems like Ray Lewis talks it up like the two of them are BFFs, when the fact of the matter is Lewis hasn’t always seemed to want to abide by the Heavenly Father’s Code of Conduct. Breaking it down for you, using God’s own autobiography as a reference guide:
1. Ray Lewis gives crazy, incomprehensible pregame pep talks.
What the Bible says:
“Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the Lord is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed.” Samuel 2:3
Wrath-of-God-o-meter (on a scale of 1-10): 7. 13.75 billion years after He invented the universe, God has to be pretty damned sick of hearing guys use Him to get pumped up for a football game like He’s the opening riff to “Crazy Train” or something.
2. Ray Lewis owns a barbeque joint.
What the Bible says:
“And the pig, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. You shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall not touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.” – Leviticus 11:7-8
Wrath-of-God-o-meter: 1 I have to think that if the Heavenly Father was really all that worked up about not eating pork, he wouldn’t have made bacon, ham and baby back ribs taste so good.
3. Lewis is still officially listed at 245 lbs.
“The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.” – Proverbs 11:1
Wrath-of-God-o-meter: 2 No one… not God, not even Roger Goodell… believes official height & weight measurements.
So just like everybody else I watched the Lance Armstrong interview last night. I’m not even sure why I did to be honest. I think it was just so I wouldn’t feel left out on twitter. Anyway after spending 45 minutes trying to find Oprah’s channel I finally managed to tune in. Now I don’t know what I was expected, but I don’t think I expected Lance to lie right in Oprah’s face like he did. I mean that part about how he didn’t bribe the UCI (Bike Governing/Drug Committee) to make a failed drug test go away is utterly preposterous. Umm yeah you did bro. Like why would Tyler Hamilton make that up? I mean everything everybody said about you was the truth except this? And for some reason you made a donation to the UCI for 125K at the exact time Tyler Hamilton claims you failed the test even though they were persecuting and you hated them? You were just like here let me give you $125k to help with drug testing research even though I’m the worst abuser on the bike riding tour? There is NO way in hell he didn’t bribe them and it couldn’t be more obvious. So for him just to sit there and lie right to Oprah’s face like that. Well that’s kind of awesome in a weird way. Made a mockery of the entire thing.
So today I tweeted out that Colin Kapernick is in deep trouble since Belichick will have two weeks to prepare for him in the Superbowl. Naturally all the moron Stoolies freaked out saying I was overlooking the Ravens and was going to jinx the Pats. That if we lose this weekend they are going to hunt my jew ass down and throw me in an oven. Well let me just clarify something real quick. Barstool Sports is the greatest thing that has ever happened to the city of Boston. I mean there is a mountain of evidence to suggest that I single handily turned this city around. That Boston was a city of losers before Barstool started in 2004. The facts are we hadn’t had a championship since the 86 Celtics. The Red Sox hadn’t won the World Series since 1908. The Patriots had never won a Superbowl. The Bruins were an expansion franchise. Shank, Borges and the Ordway were the voices of the Boston Sports fan thriving on a doom and gloom attitude. Then I launched Barstool and started peacocking it around the Internet proclaiming that we would beat everybody at everything and poof we became a city of champions. The Red Sox, Patriots, Celtic, Bruins all won almost instantly. It’s almost like people started to believe we were champions and it became contagious. I did the same thing at Michigan. We won 2 national titles in hockey and 1 in football during my tenure. They haven’t won anything since. Once again me just putting an entire school on my back. Listen am I saying that I deserve rings from all the major sports teams? Well that’s not for me to decide, but I just don’t get this jinx stuff at all? Bottomline is we will beat the Ravens Sunday because the Ravens are a joke. Anybody who is worried about jinxes or losing this game probably shouldn’t live here in the first place.
HAMPTON — A Hooksett man with a “sexual fetish” was indicted on a criminal charge alleging he once again faked a brain injury to get an unsuspecting in-home caregiver to change his diaper. Eric Carrier, 24, was indicted by a Rockingham Superior Court grand jury on one count of attempted indecent exposure and lewdness for the incident that occurred in Hampton on Sept. 12. Carrier was arrested by Hampton police on Sept. 20 while he was on probation after being convicted of indecent exposure for attempting a similar ruse back in 2011. Police allege Carrier claimed he was a disabled 22-year-old male who could not control his bowel movements due to a brain injury. A female caregiver met with Carrier on Sept. 12 in Hampton and became suspicious when he allegedly requested she change his soiled undergarments, police said. She called authorities, leading to the investigation of Carrier.
Absolutely no shame in this guy’s fake a brain injury and trick a caregiver into changing his soiled diaper game. Just struttin that diapered ass around his house and shitting himself like it ain’t no thing. Straight ruthless aggression. “Hey caregiver who just changed my diapers and touched my junk and feces…YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D SUCKER! PIZOW! WHO GOT NEXT!”
Welp, looks like my tricep day just drastically changed. There’s only one way to know you’re getting the most out of your workout and it’s when people in the gym need to bust out their iPhone to document what you’re doing. Practically makes you a personal trainer like Billy Banks or that Insanity dude. How do you work your triceps? Dips on a bench? Yeah this guy does push downs basically in a zero gravity machine. Swole.
Cleveland – A gang of sadistic thugs in Cleveland, Ohio terrorized local people by approaching unfortunate victims claiming to be a local TV news crew and then zapping them with a taser while filming the incidents crime with a video camera. Police have so far arrested two men for felonious assault, while a third person, a juvenile, has been taken to a social services center. While in police custody, Solomon Herbert, 19, has admitted that he filmed the incidents while Derek Rowell, 25, shocked people with the stun gun. According to police records, Herbert claimed they were doing it ‘just for fun,’ reports WKYC. Officers were called to the 8800 block of Detroit Ave. at 2pm on Saturday after a victim reported being approached by six men with a digital camera who claiming to be with a local television station and wanted to interview him. The 34-year-old man says he kept walking and was then attacked by the ‘news crew’ who then zapped him on the neck with a stun gun. The crime was captured on a local surveillance camera.
Normally I wouldn’t defend something as fucked up as going around tasering unsuspecting strangers and filming it for fun. That’s kinda not cool. But the thing you gotta remember here is that this happened in Cleveland. Not exactly a real fun place to find yourself living. Lots of depression going on in Cleveland from what I’ve heard. They don’t really have too much going for ‘em ya know? So when a group of young kids decides to electrocute random people on the street and video tape it to get a laugh, I have to assume it’s out of necessity. The only explanation is that they resorted to this kind of behavior because there’s literally nothing fun, exciting, or worth living for in that city. People over there gotta get creative. And if pretending to be a news crew and assaulting strangers is the only way to ward of depression and suicide then I say go for it. Zap away bros. Because even people in Cleveland should get to know what it’s like to smile once in a while.
MISSISSAUGA, ONT. – In Russia last month, Patrick Chan discovered a new obstacle to Olympic gold, a threat even greater than foes like Daisuke Takahashi, Yuzuru Hanyu and Evgeni Plushenko: An upset stomach. The two-time world figure skating champ brought home a bronze medal from his first competition at the new Sochi rink that will serve as the next Olympic stage. Judging from his ordeal, he probably should’ve been awarded some bonus points for not soiling himself on the ice. “I got sick – I had the runs,” the 22-year-old said. “I … went to my long program and had to take Imodium and take Tums. I thought, ‘I may not have clean pants by the end of this’. It was a good test, it was exciting, and with all the conditions, I skated well. I was happy and I was there to experience it.” The always-colourful Chan looked less green – tanned even from a trip to Hawaii — after his encounter with Sochi’s mean cuisine. He’ll wrap up his sixth straight national title at Mississauga’s Hershey Centre this weekend if he can keep from being planted on the toilet. “The food was abominable. It was greasy with tons of carbs. It was totally not what we wanted,” he said. “It kind of made me upset because you expect us to do something so precise and take a lot of concentration (as skating) and you basically give us cow food. Give us something good, like organic chicken. Greens would be great. I would love greens, but no greens. If there were greens, (they were) greasy.”
Amazing. Absolutely amazing story. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. In an age when it seems like every athlete, even the most inspirational among us, is tainted beyond all recognition, it’s refreshing to read a true Profile in Courage. It’s life-affirming, is what it is. Patrick Chan, denied even the most basic necessities like organic chicken and greens, forced to live on nothing but greasy carbs, had to battle not only a Murderer’s Row like Takahashi, Hanyu and Plushenko, but his own digestive system. But rather than fold like a lot of athletes would have, he sucked it up, reached down deep, squeezed his asscheeks, strode onto the ice and triumphed. If he can overcome hardships like the shits, he can handle anything they throw at him at the Hershey. Take that all you cheaters, pretenders, fake dead girlfriend daters and frauds. This is how a real warrior inspires millions. @JerryThornton1
Only thing gayer than wearing another man’s jersey is getting his face tattooed on your leg. If you’re looking for a blowjob nothing puts a girl in the mood like a gigantic black man screaming in her face.
But I guess this is why Baltimore says they have way better fans than us. We go to the games and cheer while they get their players tattooed into their quadricep. Putting some pointy objects into a body is what separates the men from the boys, right Ray?
So NBA Fanduel starts tonight. Now truthfully I have an unfair advantage here because I’ve been betting on the NBA every night so I know every player in the league. Even the scrubs so naturally my team is lights out. So I don’t blame you if you don’t want to make a donation to the El Pres fund. I already had a huge week with my ND shirts. Must suck to see the rich get richer. Internet dollars like a motherfucker
$6,000 in total prizes, $1500 for first place.
134 spots, prizes to 15th place.
$50 to enter, up to two entries allowed.
Tournament starts at 7pm EST on Friday. Payouts occur after games end.
This kid likes cross dressing? Does he realize Miltons is the store for men?
Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.