The Boulder Theater
March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
March 20th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
House Of Blues
Myrtle Beach, SC
April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 11th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 12th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
New York City, NY
April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
New Haven, CT
January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
East Stroudsburg, PA
March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
The Union Bar
Iowa City, IA
March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
Things to consider while Bernard Pollard gives me deja, deja, deja, deja, deja vu:
*It’s surreal to be waking up this morning and realizing a year in my life has gone by and absolutely nothing has changed. I was in this exact same spot 50 weeks ago. Writing about a game I just as soon forget. Where an unstoppable, record breaking offense got completely manhandled by a middle-of-the-pack defense when it mattered most. Where they got treated like the Sisters treated Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank prison laundry, only they never fought back. The only difference between this year and last is now we’re that much closer to the end of the Brady Era and Belichick has one more inexplicable, titty-twisting postseason loss on his record. And I’m one year older but still writing for a smut site. As Pink Floyd put it, “Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.” But besides that everything’s fine.
*Another difference between this year and last: Instead of getting tortured with Eli Manning’s goofy. crooked, slack-jawed grin all over the place, we got a loving 30-second close up of Ray Lewis’ ass. We don’t need to stare at it; we already know what it tastes like. And it ain’t Honey Nut Cheerios.
Pretty wild bench clearing brawl with a team wearing pink jerseys.
You know I want to make fun of this George Stephanopoulos here, but it’s kind of an honest mistake right. Like Morgan Freeman is Bill Russell’s doppelganger.
Inquisitor - Happy Blue Monday! According to a questionably scientific formula, the most depressing day of the year will fall on January 21 in 2013. Blue Monday was created by UK psychologist Cliff Arnall back in 2005. Arnall looked at various issues that can cause depressing and found that the most depressing day of the year falls on the third Monday of January. Why? Well it’s a Monday for one. Arnall also says that this is the time of year where holiday shopping bills are due, New Year’s resolutions are starting to fall apart and the weather is typically miserable. So yes, Blue Monday may seem like the most depressing day of the year.
Well you don’t have to convince me that today is the most depressing day of the year. And as such I guess now is as good a time as any to address a few questions that most Patriot fans have to be asking themselves right now. I mean if we’re going to say today is scientifically the most depressing day of the year let’s not half ass it. Let’s depress the fuck out of each other.
#1 – Is Wes Welker a choke artist?
You can’t argue with Wes Welker’s numbers. You can’t argue with his production. You can’t argue with what he’s meant to this team during the regular season. You also can’t argue that the most memorable play of each of the last two Patriots post season losses was a Wes Welker drop. Just a kick in the balls drop that had a direct outcome on the game. Passes that great WR’s like Welker should just never drop in a million years. There is no way to explain it other than to wonder whether he is a choke artist.
#2 – Is Gronk injury prone?
Everybody knows Gronk is a beast when healthy. But the reason he fell to the Pats in the draft is because he missed his entire senior year with a back injury. Now this is 2nd season in a row he’s been unavailable in the playoffs. Yeah he played against the Giants but he was a shell of himself. Hopefully this was a fluke but you got to start to wonder.
#3 – Can You Win With A Gimmick Offense?
I’ve been beating this drum for years. I hate our no-huddle offense. I hated when we used to spread the field and throw every play too. Gimmick shit like that works in the regular season. Eventually though you play a physical team in the playoffs and lose. We used to be that physical team that would laugh at teams like the Colts and the Rams and now ourselves. Teams that hung 50 on the worst teams in the league but would fold when you punch them in the mouth. I’ve just never seen a team in the history of football run a quirky offense and be physical at the same time. You can’t have both. When the Patriots were winning superbowls it was smash mouth football. Ball control, defense and Brady. Somewhere along the way that changed and we became an offense first football team. We haven’t won a superbowl since. Even after today’s loss everybody is talking about what Brady needs. Forget about that. Forget about building the offense. . Let’s get back to building a kick ass defense that can win by itself. Offense wins game. Defense wins championships.
#4 – Is Brady Over-Rated?
This is a tough one to answer. Before the game started Boomer Esiason called him the greatest QB who has ever lived. Honestly I don’t know anymore. Yeah he’s a certain first ballot HOF’er. He has 3 superbowls that you can never take away from him. But facts are he hasn’t won a big game since 2005. He hasn’t won a big game since the media has deemed him the golden boy. And once again yesterday he made some uncharacteristic mistakes in big moments highlighted by his clock mismanagement at the end of the first half. Things that if other QB’s did they’d get vilified for. Football is definitely a team game. And as I mentioned with question #3 since the Patriots have become a Brady first team we haven’t won shit.
That’s all I got. Now excuse me while I go puke.
DM – One lady most certainly of the opinion that men prefer curves is Mikel Ruffinelli, a 420-pound mother of four who measures a staggering eight-foot in circumference. At just five-foot-four, 39-year-old Mikel, who lives in Los Angeles, is substantially wider than she is tall, but says she wouldn’t want it any other way. ‘I love my shape and I see no reason to diet because I don’t have health problems,’ explains Mikel, has a proportionally small 40-inch waist. ‘Men don’t fancy skinny girls, they like an hourglass figure.’ As well as having to walk through most doors sideways, Mikel drives a truck because she can’t fit into a car. At home, the woman with the widest hips in the world has to sit in steel-supported chairs and sleeps on a 7ft-wide bed. ‘I put it down to my pregnancies. I don’t see why else the weight would go to my hips, although, I do eat lots,’ she told Closer. Mikel, who is studying for a psychology degree, has a healthy appetite and typically consumes 3,000 calories a day. ‘I don’t want to get bigger, but I don’t want to lose my curves. I look great. I hope I inspire women to think, “She’s happy with her body and I can be too!”‘
Got to love this chick. Keeps saying how she loves her hips. How men love hour glass figures. Hey bitch you ain’t curvy. You fat. HUGE difference. Your arms are fucking fat. Your face is fat. Your stomach is fat. Your entire body is fucking fat. That’s why you need to walk sideways to get through a hallway. It’s like I was taking crazy pills listening to her talk about how hot she was. You’re 5 foot nothin’, 400 and somethin’, and barely a speck of sex appeal. WAKE UP!
And so it goes. When you’re in the hunt for the championship every single year, when the worst seasons you have involve winning your division, earning a bye week, hosting the Championship Game but falling short of winning the Super Bowl, this is the reaction you get. The world takes a long relaxing soak in a hot tub filled with your blood. It’s the price of poker for the Patriots. Other former champs like Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Denver, the Giants… they have the luxury of years that end in defeat without getting their noses rubbed in it. But not New England. Being a Patriot means you can’t lose without the opponents talking all sorts of shit about you. Rasmussen did a poll before this weekend that said 41% of Americans said the Patriots are the team they least want to see win the Super Bowl. So the country would rather see shitbags like Terrell Suggs and Bible-thumping hypocrites like Ray Lewis win than the Patriots. And why? Is it because Suggs is right and the Patriots really are “arrogant fuckers”? As opposed to humble, respectful, true sportsmen like Suggs? No. It’s because they’re sick of the Pats always being in the hunt. Always fighting for ring No. 4. Never taking a season off. It’s the cost of being consistently excellent. And I’d rather have them hate us than than not care, the way they don’t when other teams lose. If rooting for arrogant fuckers is wrong, I don’t want to be right. @JerryThornton1
(Thanks to Joey Z)
The Star - It’s being billed online as an epic student sex club adventure — and in other corners of the web, a student orgy. The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub. The event begins in the daytime, and organizers are asking students to keep their clothes on until 7 p.m., when the “party becomes clothing-optional so you can get naked with all your new friends.” SEC is an affiliated levy group of the University of Toronto Students Union. Undergraduate students pay .25 cents a term for the services, and can opt out if they choose. When asked whether it was a U of T-sanctioned event, and whether the university had any concerns, a spokesperson responded with an emailed statement: “The University will not attempt to censor, control or interfere with any group on the basis of its philosophy, beliefs, interests or opinions expressed, unless and until these lead to activities which are illegal or which infringe the rights and freedoms.”
This is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. Like yes on the outside a university sponsored orgy seems like a gift from god. Sluts just pouring into this club getting naked and getting stuffed left and right. How can you beat it? Well as is always the case with shit like this unfortunaly only the disgusting chicks will show up. The ones nobody want to fuck anyway. The hot ones will be nowhere to be found. That’s always how it goes. Doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about the Slut Walk, No Pants Subway Ride, or a giant sex orgy. Whenever you give chicks an excuse to get naked in public it’s always the pseudo feminists who show up and highjack it. It’s the biggest catch 22 going. Plus who wants to wear a condom? Raw dog or go home.
Figured everybody could use a good cry today. This did the trick. Snots flowing out everywhere. Eyes puffy as a motherfucker. I don’t even know what I’m crying about. It’s like the ending of League of the Their Own. It’s a happy story. Why am I crying? I mean Ricochet just wanted to be a dog and chase birds. Let him live. Let him do the damn thing. Now he surfs with crippled kids. I don’t even know how we got from point A to point B, but this is like the most inspirational story I’ve ever seen.
JUNEAU, Wis. (AP) — Two dancers at an exotic club in Juneau have been cited after they allegedly brawled over a dollar bill. A Post-Crescent of Appleton report says one of the women is pregnant. Dodge County deputies say they were called to Silk Exotic last week to break up a fight. They say it started when a customer tried to give a dollar to one of the dancers but the other dancer took it. The sheriff’s report says both women began to brawl. They tussled on the floor, punching, slapping and pulling each other’s hair. Other dancers and customers separated the two. Both women were cited for disorderly conduct.
Two quick things on this story.
1. Why the fuck was there a pregnant stripper? Shouldn’t you be forced to call out gross if you’re a stripper and get pregnant? Your job is to look hot and that’s physically impossible to do if you have another human being inside of your stomach. Can’t have pregnant bitches running around the club, spinning on the pole with their cankles and giving what I guess would technically be a 2 for 1 lapdance. I’ve gotten into some weird shit in my day but I still get horrified and soft whenever there’s a naked pregnant girl thumbnail on the YouJizz front page.
2. I know most people read it and think “who would fight over a dollar?” and I get that. I wouldn’t even take the time to bend over in the street for anything less than a 5. But to a stripper a dollar is basically a trophy. It’s a tangible object which tells you that you done good. A gold star for shaking your ass. So it’s not so much that they’re getting defensive about a single dollar bill, it’s the principle that they earned it. Lot of pride in the stripping game. Taking another stripper’s dollar is like wearing another man’s Medal of Honor and saying it’s yours. Just a disgusting act.
And the Pussification of America Continues: 5 Year Old Girl Labeled Terrorist Threat For Saying She Was Going To Shoot Her Friend with Her Pink Hello Kitty Bubble Gun
MOUNT CARMEL — A 5-year-old kindergartner who told classmates she was going to shoot them, and then herself, with her pink bubble gun, was grilled for three hours by Mount Carmel school officials without her mother’s knowledge, then suspended, a family attorney said. The girl was initially kicked out for 10 days in what the school categorized as a “terroristic threat,” according to the kindergartner’s mother and confirmed by the family attorney. That suspension was reduced to two days and labeled as a “threat to harm others.” According to Robin Ficker, of Bethesda, Md., the parents’ lawyer, the kindergartner was playing with two friends and spoke about her Hello Kitty Bubble Gun, which shoots bubbles. Ficker said the girl mentioned that she was going to shoot one of her friends and then herself with the bubble gun, so that they could all be together. Then, she was going to shoot herself again when she got home. “All I know,” said the mother, “is what my daughter has told me and she said she was told she could go to jail, which is a very traumatic thing for a 5-year-old to live with.” Before being allowed to return to school, Ficker said, the girl had to undergo psychological testing from an independent practitioner. “The psychologist said that she posed no danger to others,” Ficker said. “I think it’s pathetic when little kids can’t play… or get in this kind of trouble for using the wrong words. This little girl is one of the least threatening people in the state of Pennsylvania.”
School administrators doing it big per usual. Just when you think you’ve seen it all and they can’t get any more delusional they somehow manage to outdo themselves yet again. Like honestly what is going through the Superintendent’s head here? How detached from reality can you be? And you know what the best part of this story is? The school still won’t admit they fucked up. The parents of this girl are still fighting to have “terrorist” removed from her file. All because of a Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. Like she’s the Osama Bin Laden of bubble guns. As Don King says only in America! Where real school shootings aren’t nearly as scary as the people who run the schools.
Introducing Taylor from Roger Williams. Finally something to lift people’s spirits around here. A lights out smoke to start the week. Don’t look now but Lupos is right around the corner. We are closing in on yet another sell out so be sure to buy your tickets soon if you don’t want to get shut out. The good news for Taylor is she now will be partying for free.
Do you know any smokes who need Lupos tickets? URI, Roger Williams, PC all stand up. Send girls to firstname.lastname@example.org. And in case you forgot here is Lupos last time around…
Lupos – Wed Feb 6th – Tickets on Sale Now
Toads BLACKOUT – Feb 7th SOLD OUT
Springfield FOAM – Feb 8th (Tickets on Sale Now)
Philly FOAM – Feb 9th (Tickets on Sale Now)
Towson BLACKOUT – Feb 13th – Tickets On Sale Now
Washington DC BLACKOUT – Fur Nightclub – 2/14 – BUY TICKETS
ESU FOAM – Feb 15th SOLD OUT
Baltimore FOAM – Feb 16th SOLD OUT
Worcester FOAM – Feb 22nd (Tickets on Sale)
Irving Plaza BLACKOUT Feb 23 SOLD OUT
Panama City Beach – MARCH 11
Panama City Beach – MARCH 18
(There is something to be said about wearing socks and not making people puke looking at your deformed ankle you horse faced freak)
First things first. Shannon Sharpe is probably top 5 most pretentious assholes on the planet. Bill Belichick is Bill Belichick. He doesn’t like giving interviews when the Pats win. He doesn’t like giving interviews when the Pats lose. Same guy. I have no problem with the media hating on him, but this isn’t a Lebron situation where he seeks out cameras and adulation when he wins and hides when he loses. You want to call Belichick a sore loser that’s fine. But just make sure you call him a sore winner too because his attitude doesn’t change.
Anyway as much as I wanted to avoid talking about the Patriots today it’s impossible. Not when the entire world is open firing on us like they are right now. See that’s the thing about being a Pats fan. Everybody wants to see you fail. We’ve been king of the mountain for so long that it’s only natural for the rest of the league to hate us. For the rest of the country the only thing better than their own team winning is us not winning. I don’t blame them. If I didn’t live here I’d hate us too. Like nobody cares that the Falcons lost. Nobody cared when the Packers got bounced. The only team people care about is the Patriots. They hate us with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. It makes days like today that much harder to endure when everybody and their grandmother is piling on. When you have the Shannon Sharpes and Terrell Suggs of the world mouthing off.
The bottomline is this. In an era where parity is king and the NFL strives for equality the Pats have been to 5 superbowls in 12 years, 7 AFC title games and 10 division titles. If you throw out the year Brady got hurt that means Brady and the Pats have been to the Superbowl in half the seasons he’s been in the league. Before every season begins we know we have a 50% chance of being in the final game. If we don’t win it all than the entire season is viewed as a gigantic waste of time. We are left stunned and depressed and questioning the existence of god. Meanwhile other cities treat just making the playoffs like they won a world championship. Why am I saying all this? Because on days like today it’s easy to forget how lucky we are to be Pats fans. There has never been anything like this run in the NFL and there never will be again. You wonder why everybody hates the Pats? It’s because for the past decade we’ve ruled the NFL with an iron fist the likes of which this league has never seen before. Does it suck we lost? Of course it does. Would I trade places with any other fan base? Not in a billion years. Because when the season starts anew we know we already can pencil ourselves in for the AFC title game. Quite simply they hate us because they want to be us and who wouldn’t?
(NBC) – Donte is a 1-year-old Basset Hound who, like any other dog, likes a good treat and enjoys the finer things in life. Like jumping on his owner Yvette Richard. The puppy has a love of his own and it’s caused quite a stir in his Westlake, Louisiana neighborhood. “Basically, they’re saying that my dog raped their dog,” Richard said. You heard right. Dog raped their dog. For clarity’s sake, let’s start at the beginning. “We keep our dogs locked up in the back like you see we have a fenced in back yard. Well, we had no idea there was a little spot he could weasel out of and he did,” Richard said. “We have pictures of the holes he had in his fence, well my dog got in but there’s never been any proof that they even locked up.” Neighbors who called police said Donte was getting into their yard and mating with their dog, but that wasn’t the reason they called police. They say it’s because Donte snapped at their kids. It’s a claim Richard thinks impossible.
Isn’t there a law that it’s not sexual harassment if you’re attractive? Because Donte is cute as a fucking button. No way is he a rapist. Maybe he likes to randomly hump a leg or a puppy on occasion but who hasn’t been there? Chicks are way too quick to throw out the term rape nowadays. One second you think you’re being all fun and playful and the next you’re getting citations for felony rape. Such a fucked up world we live in.
PS – when she says there is no proof that they even “locked up” does she mean hooked up? Totally using that from now on.
Double PS – yes I noticed Donte’s puppy howitzer.