“Murica!”

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 3:10 PM

Pitbull Puppy Trying To Walk On A Treadmill Is All The Rage

 

Dogs motherfucker.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:52 AM

When Did Girls Start Pretending Like Their Lives Revolved Around The Bruins?

 

I may have asked this question before but when did Boston chicks become such humungous Bruins fans? I’ve never seen anything like it. Everytime the Bruins score a goal it’s like a race to the computer to see who can finger themselves the fastest and have the loudest orgasm on social media. What are you trying to prove? You don’t like hockey that much. Nobody does. These chicks probably don’t even know what offsides is. How do I know this? Because they’re fucking chicks that’s why! Like I have a hard time watching 3 periods of hockey without falling asleep nevermind a girl. When did this all start? Was it when Tyler Seguin and Nose Face came to town and all these chicks wanted to fuck them? Was it when the Bruins won the Stanley Cup? I just don’t get it. Chicks need to chill the fuck out with all this Bruins talk. You’re job is to do your hair and get all dolled up during the Bruins game so you look hot when it’s over. Not actually watch the game like you give a fuck. It’s wild.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 12:20 PM

Would You Blow A Guy To Have A Threesome With Bar Refaeli and Candice Swanepoel?

Vs.

+

 

So somebody tweeted me this question today. This is the most obvious answer of all time right? Of course I would. Duh. . I’d swallow and everything. And it wouldn’t even have to be Lord Lambert either. I’d blow the Sparechange Guy for christ sakes. I just don’t know how anybody would say no to this. Just close your eyes and do it. The reward is so worth it. I don’t want to turn Barstool into a juvenile romper room or anything, but lots of people were calling me gay for my answer. It just stunned me. A threesome with the 2  most beautiful women in the world?  Prison rape may be worth it.  So sucking a little dick would be the biggest no brainer in the history of earth.  And obviously Candice gets the money shot.  Sorry Bar.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 5:03 PM

Loserville Puts 7-4 Beating On Bruins, Thankfully Toronto Is Next On Schedule

 

After days of hype and anticipation, the Bruins and newly modified Sabres didn’t provide the “Raging Bull”-like blood spurts that many were expecting or hoping for. Instead, it was a game of shinny that featured just one bout, numerous breakdowns by an uncharacteristically shitty Bruins D, a blown two-goal lead, and a blown goal lead in the third. Buffalo took full of advantage of the Bs’ sloppy play by scoring the last four goals of the game in the third—a period that had been one of Bruins’ biggest strengths so far this year—to post a 7-4 pasting and hand Boston its first regulation loss of the year.

Thomas Vanek continued to just utterly own the Bruins by putting up a 3-2–5 line and a +4. He and linemates Cory Hodgson and Jason Pominville combined for 5-6–11 with a +8 to make Zdeno Chara’s night miserable. Z ended up a -3, was whistled for holding, and had a team-high three giveaways. It was a rare bad game by Z but given his CV in Boston, he gets a mulligan because there’s no danger of it becoming a habit. Shit happens.

The Bs got banged up physically a bit as well as Dan Paille, Patrice Bergeron, and Dougie Hamilton all took turns getting looked at during game action. So not a good night all around. The team would be best served to just forget this one and get prepped for tomorrow’s tilt in Toronto. Every season has performances like this, sometimes a couple. Well the Bs got their first and hopefully last real true stinker outta the way last night after their impressive start. They looked like a team that was playing its third game in four nights and their goalie had to bear the brunt of it. And against a team that’s been given them fits for, oh, almost 20 years now. Some Bruins that did speak to the media did so in a subdued, almost angry tone—not angry at the media but at the drubbing they just took. That’s the sign of team that expects better of itself and good to see if you’re a fan. But the sourness will be all forgotten if they leave Lake Ontario with two points tomorrow night.

In the lone scrap, heart-and-soul tough guy Shawn Thornton took on the enormous John Scott (giving away about half a foot and 50 lbs.), one of two guys that the Sabres brought in over the summer to add toughness (Steve “the Pirate” Ott being the other). It was a rare occasion in that Thornton was on the bad end of a one-sided beating. From up on high, I mistakenly thought he only caught a few off his helmeted head before heading to the box and was no worse for wear. After leaving the box, he headed across the ice then down the tunnel toward the locker room to get looked at never to return. Upon further review later, 22 caught a quick upper cut and another shot to the dome that dazed him pretty good. The Bs will have some further info at today’s practice. On a small positive note, the fan favorite was seen signing a few autographs after the game, not a typical post-game practice for seriously injured players. Here’s hoping Shawn’s alright. He a great teammate and great guy.

Scott expressed concern for his opponent when he didn’t return to the game. “I was asking the trainers how he’s doing,” he said. “You never want to hurt somebody. I was kind of concerned after the first period, we never saw him again. Hopefully he’s doing well, you hate to see someone leave the game like that. He will bounce back, he’s a tough guy and he’ll probably fight me again….and probably do a lot better next time.”

 @RearAdBsBlog

letitbleedrearad@gmail.com

By Rear Admiral posted February 1st, 2013 at 10:40 AM

Grouper Rap Song Taking You Into the Weekend

 

I want to Grouper with this chick so hard….Have a great weekend everybody….

 

 

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 6:21 PM

Bar Rafaeli Being Forced To Make Out With A Gross Kid In Her New GoDaddy Commercial Is Antisemitic

 

Gross.  This is gross.  The sounds, the faces, the closeups everything.  This is antisemitism at it’s finest.  Go Daddy must be run by neo nazi’s or something.  Trying to take the Jews greatest weapon and reduce her to salt.   Embarrass the chosen people.  I don’t care that Bar said she absolutely loved it on the Today Show this morning.  That she enjoyed all 47 takes or however many it took.  That she said her dream has always been to walk into a club and kiss some ugly guy so the whole place is shocked and everyone remembers it forever.   Go Daddy probably had her family held at gunpoint in the green room when she said this.   No way she’d do this on her own free will.    Because while she’s saying she loved it her “I’m about to puke all over the place” face says differently.  I want a full investigation.   As a Jew I will not and can not stand for this.

 

 

PS – God damn this fucking kid! What can’t he do? Guy has better range than Adrian Grenier

 

 

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 10:12 AM

Dear Umass…Uncle Pres Has Delivered Again….Free Buses For Everybody To Springfield!

 

Springfield is one week from tonight.   For the only time this year Springfield is going to be the heartbeat of Massachusetts.   Foam and Smokes raining from the ceiling.   Now the people who were running the buses from Umass said they wanted to cancel them because they didn’t think Umass would come.  I would hear none of that.   Umass ALWAYS turns out for the Stool.  ALWAYS.   So just to make sure all our Umass Stoolies are present and accounted for I said I’ll buy the fucking buses myself.  So now for all Umass students when you buy a ticket just put in the code “BUS” and boom you’re good to go.   Did the Pres do it again or did the Pres do it again?

To get all the pick up and drop off info join this facebook group     And remember a ticket to Springfield Foam now includes transportation to and from the Zoo.

 

WESTFIELD UPDATE – I guess I should have forseen this one coming.  Now Westfield people are pissed their buses aren’t free.  Well the bus people didn’t cancel your buses.   They cancelled Umass so I had to jump in and save them.   We don’t run the buses.   It’s Buses 2.    I had to save Umass’s buses.   We have a long storied history of partying together.   Next time I’ll get yours buses, but your buses are all set and filling up by the second and were never in jeopardy.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 7:30 PM

The 49ers Made An “It Gets Better” Video For Gay Kids Only The Guys In It Deny They Did It

NEW ORLEANSWhen four members of the San Francisco 49ers made an anti-bullying video in August for the “It Gets Better Project,” they were hailed as trail blazers — big, strong athletes in a game bathed in testosterone and homophobia, who were prepared to take on the narrow minds of the NFL locker rooms. But two of the players who took part in the video — linebacker Ahmad Brooks and nose tackle Isaac Sopoaga — strangely denied making the video. Then, when shown the video, they said they didn’t realize the aim of the production was to fight the bullying of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender teens. At first, Brooks and Sopoaga, approached by USA TODAY Sports, denied being part of the project. “I didn’t make any video,” Brooks said. “This is America and if someone wants to be gay, they can be gay. It’s their right. But I didn’t make any video.” When told USA TODAY Sports had seen the video and he was in it, Brooks replied, “I don’t remember that. I think if I made a video, I’d remember it.” He was shown the video on an iPhone. “I know that. I know that,” he said. “Okay, you’re right and I’m wrong. Are you from one of those New York newspapers?”

What the hell is going on in the San Francisco locker room? Used to be the gayest place ever with Jeff Garcia calling hot routes straight to TO’s prostate. Now it’s overflowing with homophobes. Culliver saying he doesn’t want a gay dude to share a shower with him is one thing but Brooks and Sopoaga are basically saying “Uh uh. No way. I didn’t say I don’t want gay kids to kill themselves. Don’t put words in my mouth!” It’s a fucking video of you telling kids that life gets better, not of you jerking off to a One Direction video and using the 10 Commandments as a cum rag. Chill the fuck out bro.

Has anybody in the world ever been worse at reading a room than the 49ers? Their PR guy better step it up. Put a camera in front of them and they can’t denounce homosexuality fast enough. Hey guys, you’re the San Francisco 49ers. Melissa Ethridge thinks your town is too gay. 90% of your diehard fans will miss crucial parts of the game because they’re busy fucking each other in the asshole. Maybe pretend to not hate gay people for like 5 minutes? Really not that hard.

Oh and the line from Brooks after he got caught is priceless. “Ok you’re right! That’s me in the video that’s clearly me. What do you want me to say? You’re right and I’m wrong! What are you from one of those fancy, truth-seekin’ newspapers up north?”

By feitelberg posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Dustin Johnson And Paulina Gretzky Getting Their Fuck On in the Club

 

 

Well I’m hard.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:05 AM

Old Man Pops Reporter Right In The Kisser

NBC12.com – Richmond, VA News, Weather, Traffic

(CBS ATLANTA)Investigative reporter Jeff Chirico took a blow to the chin while investigating a businessman charged with stealing customers’ tax refunds. A CBS Atlanta News undercover investigation found Richard Wilder, 43, of Braselton, operating a new business in Gainesville weeks after he was arrested by the Jackson County Sheriff’s Office in September. Shortly after questioning Wilder, Chirico was approached by a man who called himself Donald Wilder, Richard Wilder’s father. As Chirico asked him questions about the business, Donald Wilder turned and punched Chirico in the chin, knocking him to the ground.

I don’t care what this guy did, I’m on his side. Sold used cars without a license or stole money from his clients tax returns or whatever, I don’t give a shit. Sometimes you just want to root for the bad guy. I’ll support an old redneck over some shrimp reporter pussy every day of the week. I don’t even think what he did should be illegal. If you’re gonna follow a guy around, pestering him and nipping at his heels then eventually you’re gonna get punched in the face. It’s called playground justice. Maybe if Jeff had spent a little less time playing paddy cake at recess he would’ve learned that and it would take more than an arthritic hand to crumble him like an Acme anvil just fell on his head.

Ps – those first 8 seconds were potentially the cockiest 8 seconds ever recorded.

By feitelberg posted February 1st, 2013 at 2:30 PM

Miltons Pimp My Look

Zero chance this kid knows how to tie a tie but I guess you gotta start somewhere.

Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to pimpmylook@barstoolsports.com or pimpmydate@barstoolsports.com and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.

Today’s Contestant


Reader Email

El Pres,
I’ve never been a huge fan of this website (no offense), but my friends and I are reaching out to you because our buddy needs your help. He’s a cool guy, but due to the way he dresses its sometimes frustrating to go in public with him (especially when chasing tail). He wears clothes that he thinks people will find funny, as opposed to wearing clothes in order to look appealing. Everything said and done, we need him to stop dressing like a moron.

Best,

His unfortunate friends

By feitelberg posted February 1st, 2013 at 5:39 PM

The Real Reason North Korea Is Crazy – They Discriminate Against Women With Big Tits

SEOUL, South Korea — That’s right. Large-breasted women are so discriminated against in North Korea they try to shrink or hide their boobs in order to boost their social standing, according to the South Korean daily JoongAng Ilbo as cited by Korea watcher Robert Koehler.  North Korea’s patriarchal society apparently views nature’s generosity with suspicion, defectors told JoongAng Ilbo. The bigger your breasts, the more likely you’ll be considered a slut, the women reportedly said, because you’re seen as strutting your stuff — as if morality determines that development. Imagine their shock when they escape to find themselves the envy of all their smaller-breasted friends. What? Big boobs are good? GlobalPost’s senior correspondent for East Asia, Geoffrey Cain, says that North Korea is trailing behind trends that are more popular elsewhere in the region.

 

Really, North Korea? You’re unhinged psychos when it comes to tits too? There is certain stuff I can let go, like saying your leader is responsible for sunshine; forcing people to mourn or throwing them in jail; unsanctioned missile launches; starving your citizens to the point that they have to eat their own children. But discriminating against lovely, luscious breasts? Now you’ve crossed the line, Jung-un.

And there is a huge flaw in your reasoning. Big tits don’t automatically mean a girl is a slut. That’s preposterous. I know plenty of girls with aggressively large sweater hams that haven’t seen a dick in ages. Sluts are sluts because they’re sluts. No rhyme or reason. I mean what are you guys all gaybos over there? Hate chicks with big tits that put out? Pssh. You can keep trying to intimidate everyone with your fancy rockets, but I promise you this: nobody is gonna take you seriously as long as you’re scared of tits. That’s a fact.

By JMac posted February 1st, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Gronk Being Gronk At The Superbowl Raises The Question Of Who Would You Rather Be? Gronk, Seguin or Brady?

 

 

Yo Soy Fiesta.  Gronk can’t stop, won’t stop.   Just killing it at Bogies in Baton Rouge with Stevan Ridley. And I bet he was wearing Hudson Jeans too….Here is the million dollar question though.   If you could switch lives with Gronk, Seguin or Brady right now who would be it be?  It’s basically an impossible question right?   First guy I’d rule out is Brady.  There is no doubt he’s the richest, best looking, most powerful, most famous, and could pull the most tail if he wanted to but I’m all set with being married and having kids with giant dicks and shit.  That leaves Gronk and Seguin.  I’ve never been able to figure this one out.  Gronk is definitely more famous in the United States because he plays football.  I think Seguin may be Boston/Canada famous.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.   Like Gronk can’t go anywhere and not be noticed.   And lets not forget that puck slut are the biggest whores in the game.  I’m still going with Gronk though just because I’m a football guy, but it’s as close as you can get.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 1:57 PM

Lebron Wants Everybody To Know He Doesn’t Care That He Doesn’t Get Credit For Being Underpaid

INDIANAPOLIS LeBron James doesn’t think it’s possible to be paid his actual value under the current NBA rules. Because of it he said he’s been willing to sacrifice on his contracts. “What I do on the floor shows my value. At the end of the day, I don’t think my value on the floor can really be compensated for anyways because of the (collective bargaining agreement),” James said Friday head of the Miami Heat’s game with the Indiana Pacers “If you want the truth. If this was baseball, it’d be up, I mean way up there.” “I have not had a full max deal yet in my career — that’s a story untold,” James said. “I don’t get (the credit) for it. That doesn’t matter to me, playing the game is what matters to me. Forbes recently estimated James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships, thanks to deals with Nike, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s, State Farm and Samsung.

This article is so Lebron. I’ll grant him that everything he said actually kind of makes sense. But it’s the fact he had to say it. Like he had to be like nobody ever talks about the fact that I haven’t had a max deal yet and I get no credit for it. I don’t care that nobody talks about it but I just want to throw it out there so people talk about it even though it doesn’t matter to me. I just thought it was something everybody should know and say what a great guy I am for it even though I don’t need the credit. SHUT UP YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 3:39 PM

NHL FanDuel Tomorrow

 

Click to sign up

So I pushed FanDuel to do an NHL tournament this week.  They looked at me like I had 9 heads.  Like you want to an NHL tournament over the NBA?   What are you some type of lunatic?   I was like nope.  Believe or not hockey is the most popular sport in the world in Boston.    They still don’t believe me, but when Pageviews says something people listen so here we go.  And yes I tried to fit as many of our NHL stoolies on my squad as possible.  Only guy who got cut was Patrick Sharpe because he was way to expensive so Nose Face got the nod over him.

1.      $2,000 in total prizes, $600 for first place.

2.      89 spots, prizes to 9th place.

3.      $25 to enter, up to five entries allowed.

4.      Tournament starts at 7pm EST on Saturday. Payouts occur after games end.

 

Click to sign up

 

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 1:25 PM

What’s Up With Shawn Thornton Getting Beaten Up Last Night?

 

So Shawn Thornton didn’t return after this fight. As Jack Edwards said he was out for the rest of the game with being “Beaten Up” Umm what the fuck? I thought Shawn Thornton was the toughest dude in the NHL? I thought he won 100% of his fights. What happened here? Who was this other guy? Is he King Kong or something. I mean he just caved in Thornton’s face likle he was fighting me or something. I’m so confused right now.

By elpresidente posted February 1st, 2013 at 9:30 AM
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