Fuck The Black Keys

 

I guess it’s Feits has unpopular opnions day here at Barstool but I fucking hate The Black Keys. They’re the most overrated band since Nirvana. And this guy has the balls to say the Grammys are for “music” and Bieber isn’t music? Really dude? “Beauty and a Beat,” “Boyfreind,” “As Long As You Love Me” ever heard of them? Just three of the most popular songs of the year. Make Bieber seem like an asshole because he’s rich meanwhile your gay little band won’t even put their music on Pandora or Spotify because you don’t want people to even accidentally hear your song for free. Fuck you bro. Standing their acting like you’re some hardened musician meanwhile your publicist yelling at people that you only sign autographs in blue pen. Yeah bro, you really stayed true. Fuck you you overrated, McLovin lookin’ diva motherfucker.

By feitelberg posted February 11th, 2013 at 4:41 PM

This Guy Frank Ocean Sucks Dick (No Pun Intended But Intended)


Frank Ocean Grammys 2013 performance by dm_51181cced0274

 

 

So this shit happened at the Grammys last night.  Frank Ocean who got nominated for like 8 Grammys just talking about Forest Gump running for 10 minutes.   Everybody chirping at me about how the song is a metaphor for how he’s gay and shit.  What song are you listening to bro?  This shit is about Forest Gump running period.   Worst song ever.  Worst performance ever.  No wonder Chris Brown knocked his ass out.  He probably wouldn’t shut up about LT Dan or some shit.  We get it bro.   We all saw the movie.  I’d knock him out too.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Jamie Foxx Says That Black People Are The Most Talented People In The World

DM – Actor Jamie Foxx is again facing a backlash for making a controversial, racially charged remark, this time for making a statement about black superiority during an NAACP awards ceremony. Foxx declared that black people are the ‘most talented people in the world’ at the 44th annual NAACP Image Awards, drawing the ire of conservative critics who took offense to what they considered a racist remark. As he accepted the Entertainer of the Year Award during the Feb. 1 ceremony, he praised other luminaries such as Harry Belafonte and Sidney Poitier, saying that he was humbled by the amazing people he shared the stage with.  ’Black people are the most talented people in the world. I, it’s, I can’t explain it,’ Foxx said. ‘You can’t sit in this room and not watch Gladys Knight sing and go like, “Golly, what in the world?”’ The site NewsBusters, which claims its mission is to expose the media’s bias toward the left, picked up on the comment and writer Noel Sheppard criticized Foxx for what he lambasted as a ‘really stupid’ remark. ’Can you imagine the heat a white actor would get if he said at a nationally televised awards ceremony, “White people are the most talented people in the world?” Sheppard wrote. ‘Probably be the end of his or her career.’

 

If we’re being honest with each other then Jamie Foxx is probably right. Black people kill it in the entertainment and sports industries which is where talent matters and what I assume he was talking about. Sure other races are good at stuff, but if it doesn’t involve dunking, singing or dancing then who really cares right? Like japanese people are good at samurai fighting but nobody gives a shit about that. Jewish people are good at banking and being smart but that’s not a glamourous profession. White people are good at being the devil but you’re not supposed to talk about that. If we’re looking at the big picture of natural talent in the arenas that people care about the most, then it’s pretty obvious black folks got everyone else beat. Not a controversial racist remark. Just the truth. Any race that gives us Bo Jackson and Thriller basically trumps all.

Except swimming and pulling out. They’re not too talented at swimming or pulling out.

By JMac posted February 11th, 2013 at 10:42 AM

The Bacon Queen Has Been Announced. I’d Also Like To Announce That I’m Over Bacon

 

DES MOINES, IowaThe smell of bacon was in the air Saturday as thousands converged on Iowa’s capital city for an increasingly popular festival celebrating all things connected with the meat.Some people wore Viking hats and others walked around with makeshift snouts for the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival. The annual event featured more than 10,000 pounds of bacon served in unusual ways, such as chocolate-dipped bacon and bacon-flavored cupcakes and gelato. “I love bacon more than I love my job,” said Katie Nordquist, who was dressed in a tuxedo T-shirt that looked like bacon Saturday for her first time at the festival.

I’m so fucking sick of bacon it’s crazy. I actually like it and I’m about to start boycotting it because it’s gone too mainstream for me. We got Burger King doing bacon sundaes, there’s bacon flavored lube, and bacon lollipops. These are the people who think bacon is the greatest invention in history: disgusting midwesterners. People who wear bacon dresses and think it’s as important as electricity and penicillin. Well I’m over it. Fuck bacon. I’m all sausage, egg and cheese all the time from here on out.

By feitelberg posted February 11th, 2013 at 12:22 PM

Is There Anything More Difficult To Do Than To Look Cool While Dancing In Place


Bruno Mars, Sting, Rihanna & Ziggy Marley… by IdolxMuzic

 

So I was live tweeting the grammys last night being hilarious as always and I couldn’t help but notice all the dancing in place that was going on. I got to be honest. I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to in life, but even I can’t dance in place. Can’t do it. And I know I can’t so I always get in my own head about it. I’m convinced everybody is looking at me being like “hey look at that asshole with the huge nose trying to dance in place. What an asshole” So I don’t even try it anymore. I just bob my head a little bit. Nothing to make me stick out and get ridiculed. Because I feel like people make snap judgments on you when they see you dance in place. I know I do. Either you’re a fucking cool cat who knows how to fuck or you’re a squid. There is no inbetween. So rather than be judged I just kind of sit there and do nothing. It’s a horrible way to live. So I think if I could have one superpower that would be it. To dance in place like a hip black person.

 

Nicole Kidman – F

 

Chris Brown – A

(Bonus that I get hard everytime Rihanna bounces here)

 

Taylor Swift – C

 

Ellen – ?

 

Dougie Howser – F

 

No name Squids – F

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

This Was The Only Standing O Worthy Performance From the Grammys

 

I’ve watched this 100 times so far today.   I mean there is singing and then there is singing.  This was motherfucking singing son.

PS – Alabama Shakes is the best name for a band ever.  You can’t fail with a name like that.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 6:43 PM

The Swedish Ice Pole Sitting Contest Looks Like No Fun For Anyone

 

STOCKHOLM — Six contestants have braved butt-numbing cold and boredom to win an annual ice pole-sitting contest in northern Sweden. Two women and four men shared the 20,000-kronor prize ($3,100) for remaining on 8.25-foot-tall (2.5-meter) blocks of ice during the 48-hour contest, which ended Saturday. Competitors said the worst part of the competition was not the cold – temperatures dipped below -18 F (-28 C) – but the monotony, even though they were allowed to come down for 10-minute toilet breaks every other hour. Organizer Annica Andersson said the contest has been held annually for a dozen years, and was brought to the Swedish town of Vilhelmnina by a local resident who had participated in a similar competition in Russia.

 

I don’t know much about the Swedes, but is this what they do? Sit on ice poles? And to split a $3,100 prize between six people? I don’t think you could get me to even stay outside in the winter for 48 hours for that kind of money, let alone sit on fucking ice. I did a shirtless snow angel once and I was pretty sure I was gonna die. Lasted like five seconds. Took a three hour shower afterwards. But this is entertainment in other countries? Just literally freezing your ass of for the glory of it? Foreigners are fucking weird. And plus they got ten minute bathroom breaks every other hour which totally devalues the whole thing. Isn’t this a stamina contest? No bathroom breaks should be allowed. You hold that shit in or just piss yourself, which would actually be the smart thing to do. Nothing like some piss to warm the loins.

I guess what I’m saying is that an ice pole sitting contest is that last thing I’d want to do, but if I did do one then I’d do it right, not take any breaks and piss all over myself. Gotta have a little pride, guys.

 

By JMac posted February 11th, 2013 at 5:05 PM

Dude Fist Fights Cop In New Orleans

 

Probably not a good idea to throw a bottle at a cop. Probably an even worse idea to punch a cop in the face a bunch of times. But hey, to each their own.

PS – Couldn’t have hated the chick in that video any more. “WHAT HAPPENED!?” “WHO IS THAT!?” “HE PUNCHED A COP!?” Whether it’s fights or complicated movie plots, girls are always one step behind.

By JMac posted February 11th, 2013 at 11:45 AM

Barstool Local Smokeshow of the Day – Taylor

 

Introducing Taylor from Boston.   Hard 10 to start the smokeshow week.   Well it’s officially time to start the countdown to DCU.   2 weeks from Friday we make our triumphant return to Worcester.  As a reminder there are no Boston shows this year.  If you want to get foamed out this is as close as we come to the mainland.   We are coming off 3 straight sold out shows that murdered it.  We got sold out shows this weekend in Baltimore and ESU. Then it’s onto DCU for hopefully our biggest show ever. Just in case you forgot what you’re missing here was Philly from Saturday.  DCU sold out last time about a week before the show.  Buy tickets now or forever hold your peace

 

PS – I took a picture with Taylor at Lupos that she posted on her facebook page.  I look hideous even for myself.  And worse yet there is some KO Barstool chick just crushing me on her comments page.  Saying her Women’s studies class which is all KO sluts were saying how I was the antichrist and shit.   But it shows you how stupid KO Barstool chicks are.  Like all she had to do was say “look how ugly he is” and I would have been beaten.  Didn’t even mention it.

 

Click to watch the raw footage from Sat Night

 

Lupos – Wed Feb 6th – SOLD OUT

Toads BLACKOUT – Feb 7th  SOLD OUT

Philly FOAM – Feb 9th  SOLD OUT

Towson BLACKOUT – Feb 13th – Tickets On Sale Now 

Washington DC BLACKOUT – Fur Nightclub – 2/14 – BUY TICKETS 

ESU FOAM – Feb 15th SOLD OUT

Baltimore FOAM – Feb 16th SOLD OUT

Worcester FOAM – Feb 22nd (Tickets on Sale) 

Irving Plaza BLACKOUT Feb 23  SOLD OUT

Panama City BeachMARCH 11

Panama City BeachMARCH 18 

Springfield FOAM – April 4th (Tickets on Sale Now)

Trenton FOAM – April 5th - TICKETS ON SALE HERE 

Charlotte 4/26 – Blackout = Tickets on Sale HERE

Coastal Carolina 4/27 – Foam – Tickets on Sale HERE

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 5:34 PM

Westminster Dog Show Tattoo Swag For Days

 

I stopped watching the Westminster Dog Show after the Min Pin got royally screwed in the toy category but this lady can still show for me anyday….

 

 

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 11:16 PM

Chick Full Court Buzzer Beater Looks Exactly Like How You’d Expect A Chick Full Court Buzzer Beater To Look

 

Well that was something.  That’s really all you can say about the play right?  That “it was something.”

You know you’re watching chicks when you can’t even make sense of the play. What was going on there? Was that a pass that was 1/4 of a court length off it’s target or was that a full court buzzer beater heave that wasn’t at the buzzer? Really have no clue. Three points, put it on the board.

By feitelberg posted February 11th, 2013 at 2:47 PM

Closing The Day With The Definitive Worst Dancing In Place Moment Of the Past Decade

 

After writing that blog about how hard it is to dance in place I had to at least mention Tom Brady at Carnival.  This is worst case scenario stuff.   Like the absolute worst case.  That’s why I don’t do it.   If I’m going to dance I need space.  Give me space and I’ll give you awesome.   Case in point…

 

 

PS – I made that Tom Brady video.  Like I cut it up and put the music to it yet it’s on another website’s youtube channel.   Motherfuckers stealing shit from me left and right.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 8:33 PM

350 Pound High School Running Back Can Fucking Scoot

 

Something has to be off here. There’s no way a kid who weighs 350 can move like that. All I know for sure is that there’s literally zero chance I’d try and tackle this kid. He’s the size of Jerome Bettis with a middle schooler on his back and runs like a goddman gazelle. Lowering your shoulder to that and you might as well put your brain inside a blender.

By feitelberg posted February 11th, 2013 at 7:30 PM

Happy Year Of The Snake From China!

China – A performer wow the crowd in Beijing with a less-than-appetizing snake act, putting the heads of live reptiles in his mouth during a festival for the Chinese new year. Celebrations continued across China and the globe today with thousands of Lunar Festivals to commemorate the year of the snake. The fair at the Ditan Temple in Beijing featured the troupe which performed with different types of snakes on stage.

 

We drink champagne and dance on New Years, China shoves snakes up their nose and pulls them out of their mouth. Whatever. Nothing from those Asian weirdos really phases me anymore. They’re like yeah, our celebration of New Years features slithering reptiles in human orifices. And I’m like oh really? That’s cool. Ours has confetti.

Never stop doing your thing, China. It makes me feel normal.

By JMac posted February 11th, 2013 at 3:17 PM

If You Even Think About Drinking Mountain Dew’s New Breakfast Drink You’re An Uncivilized Savage

 

NEW YORK (AP) If you don’t like coffee or tea, Mountain Dew has a new breakfast drink that might perk you up. PepsiCo Inc. is rolling out a new drink called Kickstart this month that has Mountain Dew flavor but is made with 5 percent juice and Vitamins B and C, along with an extra jolt of caffeine. The company, based in Purchase, N.Y., is hoping to boost sales by reaching Mountain Dew fans at a new time of day: morning. PepsiCo says Kickstart, which is carbonated, is also not a soda because its 5 percent juice content qualifies it to be considered a ‘‘juice drink’’ under guidelines set by the Food and Drug Administration. A spokeswoman for the FDA said the agency doesn’t have definitions for what qualifies as a soda or an energy drink.

Hey Mountain Dew.  You’re gross bro.  Let me say this loud and clear. If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast you are a savage plain and simple. An uncivilized savage and I don’t want to associate with you. I’ve never felt stronger about anything in my life. Seriously if you see somebody drinking this for breakfast I think you should be able to shoot them on the spot.  Hell if you see somebody drinking a carbonated beverage before noon you should be able to murder them.   There is just no way anybody who brings any value to society would drink this shit. If you want caffeine in the morning drink coffee. Period.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 4:13 PM

Adam Schefter Claims He Almost Broke The Pope Quitting Story


DMPope Benedict is to stand down as leader of the Catholic church, it was reported today. The Pontiff has been in office since April 2005 when he succeeded Pope John Paul II. It is known why he is resigning. More to follow.

 

Fucking Schefter.  I can’t even tell if he’s trolling me now, but I think he’s dead serious here.   Trying to take credit for the Pope quitting that bitch.    Anyway I don’t get you wacky Catholics.  Why is this such a big deal?  Dude is like 9,000 years old.  Why would anybody listen to what this geezer has to say anyways?    Dude just joined twitter like 10 minutes ago and doesn’t even follow anybody.   Let me ask you this.  What type of crackpot joins twitter at 85 years old and then doesn’t even follow anybody?  Looney toones city.

 

 

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 10:09 AM

Nobody Had More Fun In This Blizzard Than This Dog

 

Dogs doing it big per usual.   Think Scooter gives a fuck about the blizzard?   Hells no.   He thinks snow is just his new squishy toy or something.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 11:15 AM

Reader Email – Is Your Car Being Snowed In An Acceptable Reason Not To Come To Work?

 

Reader Email

From: John Feitelberg
Sent: Sunday, February 10, 2013 5:56 PM
To: David Portnoy
Subject: tomorrow

my car is totally snowed in, is it ok to work from home tomorrow?

 

Is Feitleberg not the softest worker in the United States of America?  Like he really sent me this email yesterday.   He’s really not in the office today.  This coming off the heels of when he took a sick day and didn’t blog because he had the sniffles.   I’ve never seen anybody with a cushier job than he has figure out more ways to skip work.   Sick days, doctor appointments, has to go to court to fight speeding tickets, snowed in, blah, blah, blah.  Keep in mind the dude lives in the South End with the rest of the gays.  He’s 10 minutes away from our office.   Oh your car is snowed in?  Umm how about you throw on your duck boats and shovel it out?  You know just like every other motherfucker on the planet who has to work today.   Surreal stuff from John “Marshmellow” Feitleberg.

By elpresidente posted February 11th, 2013 at 2:11 PM

There Might Be A Difference Between Your Car Being Snowed In And Your Street Being Unplowed

 

Yeah I guess I could have taken the time to shovel out three quarters of a city block today. Or, I could do my exact job from home like they were warning people who have that ability to do on the news this morning. Internet works the same in the South End as it does in Milton. I’m not on a job site. We’re not framing a new house today. We’re finding funny stories on the internet and talking about them. Or, if it’s a slow day, we’re posting emails that we didn’t respond to and calling out our employees for something half the state is doing. Makes sense I guess. While we’re at it we can pretend that any other writer on the site could even find the office with an address and a GPS.

 

By feitelberg posted February 11th, 2013 at 3:49 PM
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