So I was sitting at the bar yesterday watching my friends get drunk because they all had President’s Day Off and I don’t and the question came up, if tomorrow morning you had to pick one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? And just to qualify you can’t say Italian food or Chinese. Its one specific order, and that is what you eat for breakfast lunch and dinner forever. So say you want to eat Cereal, you can’t just have all types of Cereal, you would have to eat Lucky Charms or Frosted Flakes forever. Or if you choose pizza you get the same exact pizza every time. You can never change. Once you make your order, that’s your order for life. So the consensus became that the two most logical choices are Burrito or Pizza. So that’s the hypothetical. You have to either eat a Burrito for the rest of your life or Pizza. I honestly could not be more torn. I’ve gone through all my pro’s and con’s and I still can’t decide.
Gun to my head I think I’m going Burrito. Unlike some people who like to be “adults” and use “bathrooms” I’m not hung up on the fact that sometimes you accidentally poop your pants. Things happen. Not a lot you can do. So the Burrito Diarrhea isn’t as much of a drawback. Whereas becoming a fat slob who eats Pizza all day is a pretty big drawback. I’m already a blogger, I’d rather not fill in every stereotype of my already sad life. But let’s put it to a vote. Pizza vs Burrito for the rest of your life, who ya got?
Well honestly this whole blog and scenario was embarrassing to me. It’s an insult to put burritos and pizza in the same sentence. Pizza is like air or water. Humans need it to breathe and to live. Civilization couldn’t exist without pizza. Burrito’s are a sidekick. Nothing more, nothing less. So being the Patriot that I am starting March 10th I will defend pizza’s honor. Big Cat and I will see who can last longer eating each food. Pizza for me and Burritos for him. That’s it. Nothing else. No snacks nothing. Everytime you put food into your mouth it has to be pizza or burrito 24/7. This is the only item you can eat. To be honest I don’t even think this is a real contest. I could eat pizza for a year straight and not blink. Hell I eat pizza 4 times a week as it stands and I’m not even trying to prove a point. I actually can’t wait for this contest to begin. My only concern is that once Big Cat quits I won’t be able to stop and I’ll turn into Pizza the Hut. Bottom line is that never in the history of human civilization has anybody underestimated anything more than Big Cat has underestimated my love and desire for pizza.
Place your bets….
Vote 1 for Pres wins this in a romp and 10 for Pres wins this in a romp because there is no other choice
(1,312 votes, average: 8.53 out of 10) Loading ...
PS – If you got any great pizza places I need to try email them to me. I’m going to dance all over New England eating pizza cracking skulls. The only thing I need is some WWF sytle pizza entrance music. Somebody just blaring out my theme song everytime I walk into a new joint.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 5:19 PM
TSANewsblog – I wish I could say that this is a new low for the contemptible thugs in blue for whose equipment and “services” taxpayers pay billions of dollars every year. Sadly, it isn’t. It’s just par for the course; another Day in Despotism here in the Land of the Meek, Home of the Afraid. And this should not stand. Not in the country that calls itself the United States of America. Citizens and residents who accept otherwise should not only be ashamed of themselves, but should, in my opinion, be constantly, and in strenuous terms, be made aware that they’re engaging in a kind of treason against the very freedoms the nation’s founders established (and countless fought for and died to protect), and thus, by extension, debasing the idea of America itself.
I guess we were about due for another TSA story. Anyway if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. There is no bigger supporter of TSA on the planet than me. I’m TEAM TSA loud and proud. I pretty much side with them 1,000% of the time in situations like these. And guess what? I’m siding with them again here. Listen do I think this 3 year old girl in a wheel chair is a terrorist? Probably not. Do I think you have to still follow protocol? Fuck yeah.
The thing I never understand with videos like these is when the person being inconvenienced asks “Does my 3 year old look like a terrorist?” Umm no but what terrorist tries to look like a terrorist? Or how do we know that a terrorist didn’t do something to the wheelchair at some point knowing it wouldn’t be checked? Yeah I know it sounds outrageous but so does the concept of blowing an airplane out of the sky. You don’t know what can happen till it happens. That’s why TSA can’t make exceptions. Because I guarantee you that if terrorists find out that TSA doesn’t scan kids in wheelchairs they’ll eventually use that against us. Just like if they found out they didn’t scan their stuffed animals they’d sneak guns inside of them. It sucks that this girl is crying, but flying is a privilege. The TSA people weren’t being pricks in this video. They were trying to make the best of a bad situation. The wheelchair set the alarm off. TSA has one job. Protect people from getting blown up. They can’t pick and choose when they ignore the alarm. If people don’t want to get scanned than we need to have two types of planes. Planes where they don’t search anybody and terrorists can just waltz on and then planes with TSA. Then we’ll see how tough all these civil liberty fruitcakes are when it’s time to put their money where their mouth is.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 2:58 PM
To say this guy was fucking psyched doesn’t even begin to describe how fucking psyched he really was. Just intensity to the max from start to finish. Like when you start spontaneously marching that is next level stuff. I was trying to figure out what part of this dance to make a gif of, but it was equally awesome the entire time. And yes this guy is obviously a townie/drunk and this is the peak of his life. Has to be. Straight out of Odessa. Friday Night Lights 101
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 3:29 PM
Japan just killing it today. I know I’ve raised this question before, but after watching this condom ice cream video where jizz shoots all over chicks faces I can’t help but ask it again . How can a country filled with so many perverts blur out genitals in porn? It makes no sense. Ice cream facials one minute blurred out dicks the next. Spotting dimes eating onions.
PS – This video is the biggest waste of ice cream condoms ever. Ugly chicks ruin everything. Mix in some smokes and it’s bonerjam city.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 11:42 AM
TMZ – Lil Wayne went OFF on the Miami Heat last night at All-Star Weekend — claiming he’s been banned from all NBA events because of his beef with the team … and the coup de grace … Wayne said he banged Chris Bosh‘s wife. Wayne took the stage for an All-Star weekend event in Houston last night, when he told the crowd, “The NBA banned me from all NBA events … because the Miami Heat told them to ban me.” He added, “F**k LeBron. F**k She Wade. F**k Chris Bosh. F**k all y’all.” And if that wasn’t enough … Weezy said, “I f**ked Chris Bosh wife.”
I’ve never been the biggest Lil Wayne fan, but guess what? I am now. Because any enemy of the Miami Heat is a friend of mine. Poor Bosh though. The guy just can’t catch a break. If anything goes wrong with the Heat I feel like it’s always his fault. In fact if he didn’t play for Miami I actually wouldn’t hate him. He just got caught in the wrong crowd and is paying the price. He’s got rap stars going out of their way to stuff his wife and putting it on blast just because he plays for them. Oh well I guess when you lie with dogs you get fleas.
PS – You know Weezy ain’t lying either. He definitely fucked her. So from now on whenever somebody gets cheated on it’s definitely “you got cheated on Like a Bosh.”
Double PS – What’s Bosh’s move here? He has to hire a thug to gank him or something doesn’t he? It’s just about self respect really. I mean it’s one thing to have a dude fuck your wife, but to announce it to the world at a concert and rub your grillmix in it? Bosh would 100% be within his rights as a human to murder the shit out of Lil Wayne.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 8:13 PM
We had a blackout in Baltimore this weekend. Yesterday morning I left to drive home with TallOne from BarstoolU. I took the first leg and blasted country music the whole time because that’s the best driving music in history. It’s not debatable. But that’s not really the story here. When TallOne eventually got behind the wheel I took a nap and awoke to potentially the weirdest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Tall guy had straight up turned off the radio. No music, no sports talk, no nothing. For almost 2 hours he had been driving in total silence. I didn’t even say anything because I was scared he’d kill me. Like in the movies when there’s a killer going nuts and someone just pretends they’re dead. I figured if I stayed totally quiet he might not hurt me.
So if anybody has some reason to drive in silence other than you’re a total psychopath who has a girl tied up in his trunk and wants to hear her scream, please let me know. Otherwise I think we may have a legit 9 foot cuckoo clock on our hands.
By feitelberg posted February 18th, 2013 at 4:04 PM
Washtimes - He’s only 9 weeks old but has already entered recruit training. That would be “Chesty,” the pedigreed English bulldog and future Marine Corps mascot, who arrived at Marine Barracks in the nation’s capital on Valentine’s Day. The handsome and distinguished young Chesty will enter obedience school and canine “recruit training,” earn the title of Marine and be named the next Marine Corps mascot on March 29. His official duties include marching in myriad events, including the Friday twilight parades at the facility, looking tough but buff in his own custom dress blues. Mascots and Marines have a long history, according to Marion F. Sturkey, who penned “Warrior Culture of the U.S. Marines,” published in 2001: “Thanks to the German Army, the U.S. Marine Corps has an unofficial mascot. During World War I many German reports had called the attacking Marines ‘teufel-hunden,’ meaning Devil-Dogs. Teufel-hunden were the vicious, wild, and ferocious mountain dogs of Bavarian folklore.” “Soon afterward a U.S. Marine recruiting poster depicted a snarling English Bulldog wearing a Marine Corps helmet. Because of the tenacity and demeanor of the breed, the image took root with both the Marines and the public. The Marines soon unofficially adopted the English Bulldog as their mascot.”
Chesty is cute as fuck. All business too. Like he knows he’s the mascot of the greatest fighting unit in the world. He takes that shit serious. Accepts belly rubs one second and ready to kill Nazi’s the next. My man….
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 4:37 PM
Dm – The convicted terrorist who planned and carried out the 1993 World Trade Center bombing – who has been in isolation for more than a decade – has filed a lawsuit to end his solitary confinement. Ramzi Yousef, 45, has been imprisoned since his capture in Pakistan in 1995 – two years after he killed six people and injured 1,000 others after detonating explosives beneath the North Tower. Since the September 11 attacks, the 45-year-old Pakistani national has been in solitary confinement in a 7-foot-by-11-foot cell at the federal ADX supermax prison in Colorado, known as ‘the Alcatraz of the Rockies.’ Yousef says that despite good behavior while behind bars, he remains in solitary solely because he is a terrorist – which he claims is a violation of his due process rights. In a letter to the prison’s warden obtained by the Los Angeles Times, Yousef says: ‘I request an immediate end to my solitary confinement and ask to be in a unit in an open prison environment where inmates are allowed outside their cells for no less than 14 hours a day.’ ‘I have been in solitary confinement in the U.S. since February 8, 1995, with no end in sight… I further ask not to be in handcuffs or leg irons when moved outside my cell.’ In August, Yousef’s attorney Bernard Kleinman said his client wanted out of solitary because he was ‘lonely’ – and claimed that despite the World Trade Center attack, the 1994 bombing of a Philippine jet, a plot to kill Pope John Paul II and other plots – Yousef is ‘no longer a threat.’
How about the fucking balls on this fucking clown? Hey bro you detonated a bomb in the World Trade Center. You’re a fucking terrorist you moop. You can’t sue America now. You can’t use our legal system to defend you. You have no due process when you blow people up for a living. So cry me a river about being lonely. Like I thought even terrorists new this was the deal with being a terrorist. It’s all fun and games till you get caught. Then it’s fucking lights out. Solitary confinement for the rest of your life. Stop complaining like a little bitch and respect the game.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 11:10 AM
DM – She has walked the catwalk runways for brands such as Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren and appeared in the pages of Vogue. But Victoria’s Secret model Cameron Russell is warning girls away from a modelling career. The 25-year-old, who recently spoke at the annual TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) conference in Palm Springs, condemned the fashion’s industry’s obsession with beautiful, skinny white women.She said: ‘For the past few centuries we have defined beauty not just as health and youth that we are biologically programmed to admire. ‘But also as tall, slender figures and femininity and white skin. This is a legacy that was built for me and its a legacy that I have been cashing out on.’ In a follow-up interview on CNN she said she was the winner of a ‘genetic lottery’ and that her looks merely fit a narrow definition of beauty.
Good for Cameron Russell. What a brave girl. Seriously. It takes a lot of balls and courage to stand there and tell beautiful, skinny white girls not to model when the only reason anybody is listening to a single word you have to say is because you’re a beautiful, skinny white girl who models. I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy but I just have this feeling that your views would carry a little more weight if maybe you turned down your first modeling contract instead of jetsetting around the world, walking up and down a runway and earning a fortune?
I just can’t stand people like this. Cameron had no problem turning her head to this horrible injustice of thinking hot people are hot when the checks were rolling in. But now that she’s made her nut? Admiring classic beauty is worse than apartheid. We’re terrible people for liking hot chicks in lingerie. Sorry sweetheart but that’s the way the world works. And your TED talk ain’t changing shit. Sorry when it comes to finding girls attractive I lean more towards the healthy eating disorder rather than a healthy appetite.
PS – the fact that she says she “won the genetic lottery” is so awesomely cocky. Kinda makes me think Cam is just a Mean Girl looking for a bigger platform to rub how hot she is in fat girls’ faces.
By feitelberg posted February 18th, 2013 at 12:59 PM
NYPost – Nike says it has no plans for Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius in future ad campaigns after the South African sports star was charged with murder in the shooting death of his girlfriend. Nike Inc. spokesman KeJuan Wilkins confirmed the shoe company’s plans to The Associated Press on Monday. He declined to say whether Nike had previously had any plans for Pistorius, or whether it will pull current advertising that includes him. Pistorius is a double-amputee who races on carbon-fiber blades and competed in the London Olympics last year. He has been charged with shooting and killing his girlfriend in his South Africa home. A Nike Internet ad showing Pistorius starting to sprint in his blades with the caption: “I am the bullet in the chamber” has already been pulled.
You serious Nike? You mean you really have no plans to feature a murderer in any future ads? Seems a little weird but OK. You’re the billion dollar international company so I assume you thought about this move long and hard. Did a little market research before deciding not to have a woman killer be one of the spokesmen for your brand. Thanks for announcing it too because I know myself along with a lot of other people were wondering if we’d see Pistorius on a new billboard any time soon. Cause you know besides killing his girlfriend he’s a pretty inspirational dude. But again, I’m sure a lot of thought went into this decision. You don’t just axe a brutal murderer from your marketing campaign without being 100% certain of yourself.
DUNEDIN, Fla. — Mark Buehrle won’t be experiencing the dog days of summer. While the pitcher is headed to Toronto, his family will split the season between Broward County in Florida and their home in St. Louis. One of their four dogs, Slater, is a mix of bulldog and American Staffordshire Terrier — which is of pit bull lineage. Pit bulls are banned in the province of Ontario. “He’s an awesome dog,” Buehrle said Saturday. “That’s what’s a shame; just the way he looks is why we have to get separated.” Sent to Toronto as part of the Miami Marlins’ payroll purge, Buehrle had a few options. He could have left Slater with friends or placed him in a kennel. The Buehrle family also could have moved to Buffalo or somewhere else on the U.S. side of the border, forcing the pitcher to commute 90 minutes each way to Toronto. Buehrle’s wife, Jamie, 5-year-old Braden and 3-year-old daughter Brooklyn will spend time with the 33-year-old left-hander during spring training, as will Slater and their three vizslas. “It’s something we’re going to deal with,” Buehrle said. “It’s going to be tough at the beginning, not seeing your kids, but people deal with it and we’ll make it work.” Buehrle concluded responsible pet owners should not delegate to others the task of caring for a dog. And he said he wouldn’t break a law by taking a dog where it is prohibited.
None of the Marlins’ players had contractual provisions allowing them to block trades. Buehrle issued a statement in November, saying “I was lied to on multiple occasions” by the Marlins.“I let it be known how I felt, and I wasn’t happy,” he said. “I felt like we took a leap of faith there, coming there without a no-trade clause, and we felt like we’d be there a long time.”
Mark Buehrle can pitch for me anyday. I mean what do you think John Lackey would do here? Probably pour some mustard on poor Slater and eat him. Not Mark Buehrle though. This is first class all the way. Anybody who truly loves dogs would do the same thing. A dog is part of the family. The best part. If Slater can’t come to Toronto than nobody goes. Amen brother. I think Buehrle may be my new favorite player in the league. And if Toronto had an ounce of pride they’d trade him back to a team in the United States. This isn’t about baseball. This is about family. This is about life. This is about dogs.
PS – If this was a cat it would probably load Buehrle’s car up with drugs and guns and shit so he got arrested when he crossed the border and then spend all his money while he rotted away in jail.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 1:25 PM
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. – Danica Patrick has made history before — as a woman and a racer, in Indianapolis and Japan. The spotlight is nothing new. But never has it been this bright before.Patrick won the Daytona 500 pole Sunday, becoming the first woman to secure the top spot for any race in NASCAR’s premier circuit. It’s by far the biggest achievement of her stock-car career. “I was brought up to be the fastest driver, not the fastest girl,” she said. “That was instilled in me from very young, from the beginning. Then I feel like thriving in those moments, where the pressure’s on, has also been a help for me. I also feel like I’ve been lucky in my career to be with good teams and have good people around me. I don’t think any of it would have been possible without that. “For those reasons, I’ve been lucky enough to make history, be the first woman to do many things. I really just hope that I don’t stop doing that. We have a lot more history to make. We are excited to do it.”
So this was the #1 story of the day yesterday. Danica Patrick won the pole for next week’s Indy 500 or some shit like that. Now she is ranting and raving about how she wasn’t brought up to be the fastest girl driver, but the fastest driver period. How she’s made a ton of history and she has a ton more history to made. Umm bitch what planet are you on? This was fucking practice. What the fuck history are you talking about? Has she even won a race yet? Seriously Danica Patrick has to be the most over hyped athlete of all time. She has literally accomplished nothing. She’s been racing for like 20 years and has sucked ass the entire time. The First Lady could do everything she’s done which is nothing. It just drives me nuts whenever people actually talk about her like she’s a real race car driver. No she’s not. She’s a fucking sideshow. If it weren’t for the fact she has a vagina and is a solid 6 she would have been out of racing a decade ago. So spare me all the history talk and wanting to be treated equal. If that was true the only pole you’d ever be sitting on would be straight cock.
By elpresidente posted February 18th, 2013 at 10:07 AM
(TSG) — On Monday morning, a Michigan cop reported to a park in response to a 911 call about “a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo.” Upon investigation, Sergeant Steve Allen with the Trenton Police Department located a Ford Fusion being driven by a 67-year-old man whose name has been redacted from an incident report. Peering into the vehicle, Allen “saw a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat.” During questioning, the man admitted that he was “sucking on a dildo.” He added, “I’m sorry.” As seen in the report, those quotes are rendered for some reason in capital letters. The pensioner “admitted to having a problem with sex toys,” added Allen. The dildo aficionado was arrested for disorderly conduct in a public park and booked into the Trenton jail on the misdemeanor charge. He has 10 days left to appear for arraignment in District Court.
Typically I’m on the side of the accused in these stories. Like when dudes get caught tugging it in their car? I’ll defend his right to do so to the death. Your car is your home. What you do inside of it is no one else’s business. But this is where I draw the line. Sucking on rubber dicks. Not even dicks. Rubber dicks. If this guy wanted to blow his boyfriend in the car then he certainly should be able to. But not a rubber dick. That’s always infuriated me in porn. When chicks are sucking strap ons or whatever? WHY are you doing that?! No one is getting any pleasure from that whatsoever. Makes me so angry that a nice little masturbation session turns into a hate fuck starring just myself. So sorry dude but I can’t be on your side for this one. I don’t hate a lot of things in this life but people blowing rubber peckers is definitely one of them.
PS – Notice how the article says the guy admitted to “sucking on a dildo” but the police report claims he said he was “SUCKING ON A DILDO”? I’d like clarification as to how he said it. I know it shouldn’t matter but it really does.
By feitelberg posted February 18th, 2013 at 2:33 PM
NYDailyNews – Valentine’s Day ended with violence for one Chicago couple after a woman allegedly bit off her boyfriend’s tongue. Rather than spending a romantic night in with the love of her life, 51-year-old Elaine Cook was instead locked up in jail accused of the vicious assault. The Chicago Tribune reports how the night went off course with an argument as the couple returned to her apartment in the northern suburb of Skokie. Cook reportedly asked her 47-year-old beau to leave. Assistant State Attorney Eve Reilly said: “He told her they should stop fighting and went to kiss her, and she bit off a large portion of his tongue.” Prosecutors say he ran to the kitchen sink where he placed his severed organ in a bag of ice, before being taken to Evanston Hospital. Doctors, however, could not reattach the slice because of “inadequate blood supply”. Cook faces a felony charge of aggravated domestic battery.
The old “fake make-up kiss and surprise bite your boyfriend’s tongue off” move. A psycho bitch classic. The thing is that obviously every chick has a little bit of crazy in her. Some more than others, but no matter what it’s there – hidden away, deep inside them, I assume somewhere around the vaginal area, just waiting to pop out. Could be some laundry on the floor, could be a toilet seat up, could be an argument on Valentines Day. Whatever happens to spark it, when it does come out you better run for the hills cause something bad is gonna happen to something important. Dudes need their tongue. Pretty integral to life from what I’ve learned. Chicks know that, so after the cock and balls it’s one of their favorite targets to munch off. Elaine Cook didn’t just want to ruin her boyfriend’s night. She wanted to ruin his life. And if that meant going to jail then so be it. Like a suicide bomber, an angry girl wants to do the most damage, even if it means taking herself out in the process. Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a crazy bitch.
Inquisitr – The latest fashion trend sweeping the nation of Japan sees schoolgirls wearing panties on their heads. MSN reports that young Japanese women have taken to putting panties on their heads, obscuring their faces. While this is fetish-food at its finest, it strikes the rest of us as rather odd. Then again, this is the same nation that gave us “bagel heads,” so in a strange way, becoming a panty-head sort of makes sense, I guess. Photos are popping up of Japanese schoolgirls donning panty masks while doing mundane activities like laundry and performing karaoke. But what started this trend? The popular theory shared by Kotaku and BuzzFeed is that an odd and eccentric Japanese superhero “Hentai Kamen” has inspired the trend. Billed as “the abnormal superhero” under salutations such as “panty bless you,” Hentai Kamen is a strange “homo-erotic parody of a Power Ranger” who wears panties on his head to conceal his identity and … nothing else. He’s got a film coming soon, but no one is really sure which came first: Hentai Kamen, or “kaopan” (face panties).
This doesn’t surprise me one bit. We’re talking about Japan here. Another day, another fucked up thing from that tiny island of fetishes. But I’ll tell you what I am kinda baffled about. All those chicks are wearing granny panties on their head. Fucking gross. Couldn’t be making my dick softer with their underwear choice if they tried. I mean you’d think that a sexy thong or some lace would be the smart play there, what with it being so blatantly visible to everyone as it sits atop your squash. Put in a little effort ladies. If you want your unmentionables to be a hat then at least make them hot. Those big white cotton things are erection assassins.