Hypervocal - In 2010, alleged Romanian gangster Ion Balint rode away from prison on a black stallion, after serving only one year on a 13-year human trafficking and pimping conviction. He kept four lions and two bears at his estate, reportedly for intimidation. He was even recorded on tape saying, “You said I fed men to the lions? Why don’t you come over and I’ll give you some lions!”Last week, authorities arrested Balint, known to Romanians as Nutzu the Pawnbroker, the alleged head of a criminal network that controlled a good deal of Bucharest’s criminal underworld activity. As many as 400 police officers and detectives were involved in the investigation that led to Balint’s arrest last week, which included 65 other suspects and Nutzu’s brother. On Wednesday, a big crowd of press and local residents gathered at the 48-year-old alleged gangster’s estate as environmental authorities and the Vier Pfoten animal welfare charity sedated the four lions and two bears, put them in cages and removed them from the premises. As for the fate of the animals, the AP reported: The animals, which generally appeared in good condition, will be temporarily housed in a zoo and may be eventually relocated in South Africa, animal welfare officers said.
There you have it. This guy is the undisputed biggest bad ass in the history of the planet. It’s not even so much that he feeds his enemies to his pet lions and bears he keeps at his house. It was the part about him riding a black stallion out of jail. That’s the absolute definition of a power move. You just can’t top that. Maybe someday somebody could one tie it, but it’s a perfect 10 out of 10 on a bad ass scale. Bad ass to the max.
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 9:30 AM
(DM) — An Indonesian mother was so concerned that her nine-year-old son’s small penis would ruin his life that she drowned him in the bath. Police in the capital Jakarta said today that the woman, 38, told them her son had a small penis before he was circumcised but that it was even smaller after the operation. Spokesman Rikwanto said the mother believed the boy would have a ‘bleak future’ because of the size of his genitalia.
Listen while this mother may be a monster who doesn’t understand human physiology and the way puberty works, she ain’t wrong. Little Dick Syndrome is a life ruiner. Take it from me. There have been countless (the twice, basically) during sex where I thought my life was ruined. Thought the chick would run around town like Paul Revere yelling “Feits’ little dick is cumming! Feits’ little dick is cumming!” and I’d never be able to show my face again. Just sat there wishing my mom had taken my Captain Planet floaties off and thrown me in the deep end so I could sink into the abyss, unnoticed, like a little dick in a vagina. So yeah what this mom did was fucked up. But at the same time she saved the kid from a lifetime of bathing suit showers, trying to get his boxers on under his towel without falling, and paid porn subscriptions. That’s not much of a life anyway, now is it?
By feitelberg posted February 28th, 2013 at 11:08 AM
DM – Joan Rivers has been blasted by a Jewish pressure group for a joke she made about German supermodel Heidi Klum’s daring Oscars outfit. ‘The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens’, said he 79-year-old, before doubling over with laughter. The veteran comedian made the comment about the Holocaust on Monday’s Fashion Police show on E! when reviewing the low-cut shimmering gold dress worn by the German beauty to attend Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Party in West Hollywood.
Starting to think the Oscars as a whole are one big pussification story. All week long the feminists have been screaming their clits off that Seth MacFarlane is a mean misogynistic racist because he made a few jokes about boobs. Now what are we dealing with? The Jewish lady made a Jewish joke and that’s offensive to Jewish people. Since when is that an issue? I thought the only redeeming part about being a minority was that you get to make fun of minorities all you want? Joan Rivers is a comedian who made a joke. No different than Chris Rock saying nigga on stage. Joan Rivers is Jewish. That means she gets to make Holocaust jokes and any time she leaves a tip over 12% it’s a mitzvah. Get off her back.
By feitelberg posted February 28th, 2013 at 12:20 PM
WEEI – Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs joined The Big Show Wednesday, discussing his frustration with the Patriots and explaining why he called them “the most arrogant pricks in the world” after defeating New England in the AFC Championship. “Do I apologize for what I said? No. Do I mean what I said? Yeah,” Suggs said. “Could I have worded it a little better? Probably, but the fact of the matter is you can’t really consider it a rivalry because you have a few more championships than we do, but this has been steaming for a while.” … “There was the whole invention of the Brady rule,” he said. “Years before, I hit Drew Brees and I accidentally tore his knee up. No rule was made. Of all the quarterbacks in the NFL who got their knees blown out when they got hit — Carson Palmer got his knee blown out — but then one guy got hit and changed the whole rule for the NFL?” Suggs said that he doesn’t feel the Patriots “respect anybody,” and that he “guarantees the other 31 teams hate the New England Patriots.” He also added that players who have played in New England share stories of what’s wrong with the organization, though he wouldn’t specify. “The NFL is not very big,” he said. “You think we don’t talk to guys that have played for the New England Patriots, that have been on the New England Patriots that have been like, ‘Oh, it’s been like this.’ It ain’t just me. Why did Bart Scott say the same thing? You think it’s just us? You think it’s just got something to do with us? No. This is because we have inside information. We know.”
This might come as a surprise, but I don’t have a problem with any of this. I mean, Suggs said it himself: Everyone hates the Patriots because they have more championships than they do. Have a good season and you’ll make some enemies. Put together a good 4-5 year stretch and a few teams will hate you. Be in Year 13 of an unprecedented run of dominance when you’re banging on the Super Bowl’s door every year in a league set up to prevent just that kind of sustained excellence and everyone will hate you. They hate us because they want to be us.
And it doesn’t bother me he’s cheesed off about the “Brady Rule” (Suggs’ term, not mine). He can bitch about it all he wants but Brady didn’t write the goddamned thing. He’s not sitting in the Rules Committee meetings the way Bill NaPolian was when he outlawed pass coverage. The NFL made a decision they wanted quarterbacks protected. Brady, Brees, Palmer, Flacco… all of them. Because when the Pats open the season in Baltimore this year, the world isn’t going to be sitting there wishing it was Ryan Mallett and Tyrod Taylor under center. The last football league that didn’t care about protecting QBs was the XFL, and how’s their business model looking right now? How in Suggs’ feeble brain that reflects on the Pats and somehow makes them “arrogant” is something I couldn’t care less about.
And as far as this business of former Pats players ripping the team, who is Suggs kidding? Are we supposed to believe he’s talking about Harrison, Bruschi, Brown, Vrabel? The real winners? Of course not. He’s talking about one guy. Let’s name names: Adalius Thomas. Suggs former Ravens teammate and the biggest underachieving overpaid malcontent of the Bradichick Dynasty. He had sand in his vagina almost from the moment he hit Foxboro. He never got over being a healthy scratch (in a game the Pats won 59-0 without him). He never stopped bitching about getting sent home for being late (to a meeting Brady was on time for even though Gisele had a baby the day before). And a Pats beat writer told me personally Thomas was that guy in your office who does nothing but piss & moan about everything and brings everyone else down. That’s the guy Terrell Suggs is using as a source for inside info on how horrible the Patriots are. So why would I be bothered by this? There’s an old hack comic line where you shut a heckler up by saying “If you thought I was funny I’d quit the business.” Well if T-Sizzle, Bart Scott and Adalius Thomas liked my football team, I’d blow my fucking brains out.
Editors Note: This article was written by Weymouth’s own Gerald Thornton
By Jerry Thornton posted February 28th, 2013 at 10:40 AM
“Yesterday several of the U.S. operating entities for Girls Gone Wild joined the ranks of companies like American Airlines and General Motors having sought reorganization under Chapter 11 of the United States Bankruptcy code. Girls Gone Wild remains strong as a company and strong financially. The only reason Girls Gone Wild has elected to file for this reorganization is to re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs. This Chapter 11 filing will not affect any of Girls Gone Wild’s domestic or international operations. Just like American Airlines and General Motors, it will be business as usual for Girls Gone Wild.”
- Girls Gone Wild
Well this is a sad day. Not because people still use girls gone wild, as I’m pretty sure they are still sold on VHS. But it’s a sad day because it’s never fun to see a great admit it’s time to hang em up. In the same way that Johnny Unitas changed the quarterback position and Bobby Orr redefined what it means to be a defenseman, Girls Gone Wild changed the porn game forever. They opened the doors for reality styled porn, for amateur and casting couch porn, for Money Talks, and for the Raven Rileys and Haley Wildes of the world. In a sense, they even paved the way for Smokeshow of the Day. Gone are the days of the airbrushed pin up model with huge fake tits and huge lips. Men don’t want wild girls. They want real girls, gone wild. It’s important to see the transition. And Joe Francis was the one that made us all realize that.
So a strong tip of the cap to the GGW crew. You’ve touched millions of lives as we touched ourselves. Tonight when I’m alone in my bed with my boxers around my knees and that judgmental blue glow of my laptop screen reflecting off my face, I’ll be thinking of you. But only for a second. Because I’m totally not gay.
By feitelberg posted February 28th, 2013 at 5:20 PM
You know I was on the fence about this girl for a while. Lotta talk going around about whether her cute personality was manufactured or whatever. Well I think these pictures just won me over. You know why? It’s because of how she’s holding the joint. She’s got it going underhand style, as opposed to your classic overhand technique. Love it. Just something so innocent and girly about it. Makes me want to buy her ice cream and eat it in bed with her while we watch Terminator 2, then just fuck right through our dinner reservations and call room service instead.
I’m not sure I hate a group of people more while simultaneously being sneaky impressed by them than Rubik’s Cube hardos. Like we get it bro. You’re awesome at Rubik’s cube. Yeah I see you wearing the Rubik’s cube shirt while juggling your Rubik’s cube. Way to fucking go. You’re so fucking tough. And no I can’t solve a Rubik’s cube without peeling off the stickers and replacing them and shit. So what?
PS – This guy has to have the steps memorized right? That’s just as bad as me peeling off the stickers. I bet if I jumbled that shit up he’d have no chance.
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 1:20 PM
So this satirical student paper called The Medium wrote an hilarious article on this sorority composed pretty much entirely of disgusting creatures that is going to shutting down soon because they are running out of money. I don’t know how but I’m sure their financial troubles are undoubtedly a result of being gross. But I digress; here’s the article:
Long story short, all the sororities at Rutgers freaked out about it and caused an uproar. Fuckin women… not only are they not funny, but when somebody else is they do their best to ruin it. The paper ended up apologizing for the article: http://www.rutgersmedium.com/ The paper is consistently offensive and in my four years at the school they never apologized for anything they wrote.
Anyway, thought you may be interested.
Viva La Stool
Let’s not mince words here. This article was flat mean. It was mean spirited. It was meant to hurt feelings. It was meant to inflict psychological damage. If I was a fat chick in this sorority I’d be furious and looking to crack some skulls. But guess what? It was also well written and undeniably funny. And without knowing anything about this sorority I also know it was true. Why else would everybody be so mad about it? Was it over the line? Maybe because it’s so personal, but I’d still probably hire whoever wrote it on the spot. Funny is funny. This was funny. Mean for sure. Funny for sure.
(Cue the comment section morons… Hey Pres stop reblogging shit, blah, blah, blah. Hey assholes, have you realized yet that nobody knows what the other guy is blogging? We operate in our own universes. I blogged this last night. Kmarko posted it this morning. Shit happens.)
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 10:00 AM
The Sun – TAYLOR Swift and Ed Sheeran are dating – according to US reports. The couple, who secretly dated last March before breaking things off to focus on their careers, have rekindled their romance. They are said to have grown close after 23-year-old Taylor split with One Direction star Harry Styles – and Ed, 22, got a tattoo on his arm in tribute to her album RED. A source said: “Taylor’s always loved Ed to bits, he’s just an adorably, sweet guy who makes her laugh and feel really confident whenever they’re together.”
A guy who makes you laugh?! That’s all you wanted Taylor?! Umm, hellllooooo. I write at least 3 funny blogs a year. Maybe 4 if a good masturbation story works its way into the news. And this is what you choose? I’m easily better looking that this guy (truth be told, I kinda look like him. But taller. And less red hair.) That puts me 2 points ahead.
I feel like Chris Rock right now. Taylor is a 10. Ed is a 4. That’s a 6 point differential! And I’ve been lovin’ Taylor all my life, when she came out with Tim McGraw… if I could get near her, if I could just talk to her, if I could just touch her. Then I see Ed Sheeran walk in the room and I’m like, “Man, I had a shot. We all had a shot.”
By feitelberg posted February 28th, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Sun – THE BRIT who had pioneering surgery to rebuild his wrecked manhood said last night that he finally “feels like man”.Married 40-year-old virgin Mohammed Abad had his penis ripped off in a horror car crash when he was six. Now he is looking forward to having sex for the very first time, thanks to his rebuilt 6in appendage — made of fat taken from his left arm. Security guard Mo may even be able to fulfil his dream of becoming a dad. At the same time as he loses his virginity, he will also be consummating his two-year marriage. Incredibly, his patient young wife only discovered Mo was lacking downstairs when he broke down and confessed three days AFTER their arranged union. Mo says: “I always felt there was something missing in my life. I wanted to be normal like everybody else. Everybody has sex, why not me? Now I can lead a normal life. My wife is delighted with how it has turned out. I stand naked looking in the mirror now. It’s a good size, too. I couldn’t be happier with it. I finally feel more like a man.”
Well first of all, if I was Mohammed and had my cock ripped off in a car accident, I probably would have murdered myself very shortly after that. Fat, middle-eastern and cockless is no way to go through life, son. So before we even talk about the scientific miracle, we have to appreciate that at no point in his dickless life did he stick his head in the oven. That’s impressive. Now onto his new dick. Is it bad that I want to see it? Does that make me a huge gay fag? I just want to see what a dick made from an arm looks like. It’s gotta be some mangled shit, I’d bet on that. Very oddly shaped, I’d assume. But I suppose when you’ve lived your whole life without a best friend and then you finally get one, you’ll look passed all the flaws. Just standing naked in the mirror, admiring the good size of your new dick, feeling reborn. Good for you, Mo. Now go get that arranged wife pussy, playa!
It seems as if Bigggggg Mike is on the loose at OSU now. I got this email last night and it looks like they decided to go with 6 G’s too. The spelling must be common knowledge.
I don’t care what crimes Bigggggg Mike has been accused of or has actually committed. He can party with me anyday. I feel like trying to keep up with him is like watching Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Dude is just everywhere at once and taking the world by storm. 6 g’s to the max.
PS – You didn’t really think I’d drop a Carmen Sandiego reference and not give you the theme song. Come on…Whose ya boy?
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 4:00 PM
So somebody tweeted this at me today. That the comment section people are bigger idiots than twitter people. Well nobody has never been more right about anything in the history of life. I’m not sure why this is the case, but there is definitely a difference between comment section stoolies, twitter stoolies and facebook stoolies. And without a shadow of a doubt comment section morons are by far the biggest morons of the group. It doesn’t matter what I say 99% of the feedback is going to be negative. “Throw me in an oven, I wish Hitler killed me blah, blah, blah.
Next up on the moron spectrum is facebook Stoolies. They are like 75% negative. They love complaining that I’m clogging up their feed. Chiming in with “nobody cares” and “”stop wasting my time” The beauty of facebook stoolies of course is that they follow the fan page and that’s the only reason it shows up in their feed in the first place.
Lastly we have twitter Stoolies. Dare I say twitter people are normal? Sure I get a couple wackballs who tweet nasty shit to me everyday trying to get me to acknowledge their existence, but it’s mostly normal comments from seemingly normal people.
The whole thing is strange. I basically say the same exact shit on all 3 internet platforms and I get 3 vastly different reaction types. I’m not sure if this qualifies as an official scientific study, but the facts are indesputibale.
Final Online Idiot Scale
1. Comment Section
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Introducing identical twins Tess and Kate from Westfield State.. Happy Birthday to the hottest twins on the market. And to both these girls credit they are both hotter in person if that’s possible. As a side note I’m not 100% sold they are identical twins but they claim they are so who am I to say they aren’t? Either way fantasy city. And yes they’ll both be at Springfield as should everybody in the entire state of Massachusetts. Also don’t sleep on Hartford on the 6th for a good old fashioned nutzo Blackout.
Do you know any smokes? They don’t have to be twins. Send them to email@example.com
Source — Natasha Hill couldn’t decide what to call the baby she is expecting in September. So when a baby-naming website offered $5,000 to an expectant mom who was willing to let the public vote on the best moniker, the 26-year-old jumped at the chance. “I just thought it was a really cool idea,” said Hill, an art teacher who works with young children. “I found it when I was online looking for baby names on different websites.” Hill, who lives in West Los Angeles, was one of 80 women who entered the contest, which was sponsored by a Texas based company called Belly Ballot. She told them she wanted to use the prize money to pay off credit card debts and put the rest away for her child’s college fund.
Well of all the bad ideas in all the land, this one may be the worst to date. Letting the internet choose your baby name? Do you know how the internet works, Natasha? This isn’t a kind society. The internet is filled with the dredges of society. Trolls and morons. That’s all the internet provides. Best case scenario is that your kid gets named something like “Bacon Catz Harlem Shake.” Those would be the morons. But you know what the more likely scenario is? The trolls hijack your little game. Yup, same guys who decided the new Mountain Dew should be called “Hitler Did Nothing Wrong” will be in control of your unborn fetus’ name. Good luck finding a cake company willing to write, “Happy Birthday, My Mom Is A Money Grubbing Cunt!”
And as far as your plans with the money go? I’m not sure what tuition is at ITT Tech but something tells me you’re grossly overestimating the value of 5,000 bucks.
By feitelberg posted February 28th, 2013 at 4:30 PM
DM – We have long been told that our unhealthy diet is why we are all too fat. But now, when it comes to women at least, researchers have a rather more controversial explanation for rising obesity – they are not doing enough housework. Women are piling on the pounds because they have cut down on the amount they are cooking and cleaning, a study has shown. They are burning up to 360 calories less a day than their parents did because they are so sedentary around the house. Women have also used the hours gained from time saving technology like washing machines to spend twice as much of their lives sitting watching TV than they did in the 1960s. The findings are likely to outrage working mothers for whom there is still a gender imbalance when it comes to housework. The study was carried out in the US by Edward Archer, a research fellow with the Arnold School of Public Health at the University of South Carolina. Similar studies have also shown the same result. He studied thousands of ‘time-use diaries’ provided by American women every year beginning in 1965.
You know, here at Barstool we say a lot of things that might be considered sexist by some people. Things like women belong in the kitchen and bedroom and housework has and always will be a chick’s job. We say these things because first of all, they’re true. But second of all, we just want you ladies to be as healthy and slim as possible. Every girl wants to be slender, right? Fat bitches aren’t real people. Well why do you think guys have been telling you to make them a sandwich and do their laundry all these years? It was for you. We did it for your own benefit. It was keeping you slim and healthy so you’d feel good about yourself. Blowjob + egg sandwich + dishes + sweeping = the best exercise going these days. And that’s coming from science. Yes, the science. A very respected and credible organization.
So next time you think it’s sexist or disrespectful that your man makes you do all the cooking and cleaning while he sits on the couch and drinks beer with his hand in his pants, just remember: we’re only doing it to help you out.
Hammer don’t hurt em! Well it looks like it’s official. Two watches is the new hotness. Like I may not know much, but I know a fucking hot ass trend when I see one. Two days ago Spencer Pratt was wearing two watches. Now the Biebs is. That can’t be a coincidence. That’s settles it. From now on I’m going two watches 24/7 like a savage. Two watches so hot right now. Two watches.
PS – Get me a pair of those pants stat! They look comfortable as fuck. Dick swanging all over the joint.
By elpresidente posted February 28th, 2013 at 11:45 AM