April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
New York City, NY
April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
New Haven, CT
January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
East Stroudsburg, PA
March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
The Union Bar
Iowa City, IA
March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
The Boulder Theater
March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
House Of Blues
Myrtle Beach, SC
April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM
Idiot Comment Section – Hey Pres your hat is crooked you big nosed asshole
No shit. That’s how I wear my hats. Always have. Always will
So this is a teaser for Vanessa Hugens’ new song (she’s a singer?) called “$$$ex.” I love this. Honestly I think this turns me on more than her naked pics did. Because then she was a good girl who made a bad “mistake.” Now she’s admitting to the world that she’s a bad bitch. It’s a beautiful transformation to watch. Went from High School Musical disney girl to getting fucked by James Franco in the pool on camera and putting out songs strictly about sex. Like a caterpillar bursting out of it’s cocoon as a slutty little butterfly who loves getting pile drived to dubstep. At this point she’s a hotel room anal scene away from being Abella Anderson.
NSFW pics after the jump
Umm, holy shit. You kidding me? That thing is fucking amazing. I want it. I need it. I won’t be a happy person until I drive it. I mean I suck at golf and play like three times a year but if I had a hovercraft golf cart then I’d be on the course every single day. Maybe not actually playing but just whipping around like a boss. Drunk hover driving in everyone’s face. You know how fun it is to get wasted and screw around on a regular golf cart? Well multiply that by a hundred trillion and that’s what this thing must be like. Fuck wheels. Wheels are played out. Only suckers use carts with wheels. This is the new gold standard for golf transportation. It’s hover or die now fellas. Hover or die!
More than 20 years after helping the Pittsburgh Penguins vanquish the Cam Neely-led Bruins from consecutive Wales Conference Finals, the mulleted mercenary that is Jaromir Jagr will join the now Neely-led organization to (potentially) knock those same Penguins out of the East this year. The Bruins only had to give Dallas Lane MacDermid, draft pick Cody Payne, and a conditional 2nd rounder to make it happen.
After the aborted Jarome Iginla deal last week (via Dr. Jay Feaster), the Bruins dropped the ‘e’, added the ‘ir’, and set their sights on obtaining the NHL’s eighth all-time leader scoring from the guy (Joe Nieuwendyk) who himself was traded for Iginla over 17 years ago. Funny how that all works out.
It’s quite a turn of events for Bruins fans that woke up last Thursday morning only to find out that Iginla would be going to join Sid and not coming to Boston. Instead, Peter Chiarelli made ostensibly a better deal with the Stars because he didn’t give up nearly as much and, one could argue, got a better player in return.
Though he just turned 41, Jagr is still producing at a pretty good level as he’s potted 14 goals and assisted on 12 others in 34 games (Iginla has a 9-13–22 line in 32 games with a -6). His -5 shouldn’t be much of a concern, as the Stars have been in a non-playoff territory for most of the season. Once he officially joins the Bs, he’ll be tied for the team lead in goals with Brad Marchand.
Regardless, this is a huge pick-up for the Bs. They add one of the game’s greats that can still produce not to mention impart some of his ample hockey wisdom on young players. He should help out that woeful power play and, if he’s paired with fellow Czech David Krejci, we can call the Two Wild and Crazy Guys Line.
MacDermid didn’t project to make the Bruins full-time roster anytime soon. Payne was taken in the 5th round in 2012 so throwing him in was a no-brainer. The pick will depend on how far the Bs go in the playoffs. Time will judge this trade. But today, it feels like a steal.
Next up, go get some defensive depth. Because that’s as much needed as Jagr was up front.
Season 3 of “The Walking Dead” just wrapped up. And with all due respect to very good shows like “Game of Thrones” and “Breaking Bad,” TWD is not only the best drama on TV by a long, long way, this past year is in the conversation for the best season any show has ever had. Right from the cliffhangers at the end of last year when they showed us the prison and we got a look at the mysterious new chick with the ketani sword and the pet zombies on leashes, it never let up for a minute. Major characters got introduced, key players died, old characters we hadn’t seen since the first couple of episodes came back. A baby was born in an episode that gave everyone who saw it Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. And in a couple of others they even almost showed boobs. It was so good that “The Talking Dead,” a show on basic cable where they talk about the actual show, had higher ratings than the entire NBC lineup for February. That’s how good it was.
So I couldn’t let the best show on television call it a summer without honoring the best way I can. By comparing them to that other great institution I care about: Boston sports. If the people in “TWD” were Boston sports figures, they’d be:
Carl Grimes: Dustin Pedroia
Carl and Pedroia are both undersized, kind of annoying and for the first couple of weeks of their careers were underestimated by almost everyone. That’s about how long it took them to prove they are total badasses and not at all to be messed with and they’ve been destroying everyone and everything that’s messed with them ever since.
Forgive me for being a little apprehensive with this news but I think I’m gonna need to see Jagr on the ice at TD before I totally believe it. Been burned one too many times before. But good to see Chiarelli get a big deal done. While Iginla was in no way his fault I don’t think anyone would have been happy with complacency at the deadline.
Does This Look Like the Face of A Hooksett NH Woman Who Called 911 Because She Needed Help Ordering Chinese Food
HOOKSETT, NH (CBS) – A Hooksett, New Hampshire woman was arrested for allegedly calling 911 because she wanted help ordering Chinese food. Police say 57-year-old Elizabeth Niemi called 911 to get medical help on March 15th. When the fire department arrived, they learned that she really just wanted help ordering food. The police department investigated, got a warrant, and arrested Niemi almost two weeks later. She was charged with Misuse of Emergency-911.
Such a catch 22 with Chinese food. On the one hand I love it when the workers at Chinese food places can’t speak a lick of English. It makes me feel like I’m about to get the good shit. But on the flip side it’s almost impossible to place your order. You can’t understand them. They can’t understand you. It’s a debacle. It may not be a 911 situation but it’s clearly a 912 situation at the very least. So I guess what I’m saying is I kind of see where Elizabeth was coming from here.
April Fools Joke Backfires When Redneck Tells Her Sister She Killed Her Husband And Needs Help Burying Him (MUST WATCH)
Wait a minute. What in the fuck just happened? Was that news report an April fools joke? I mean those rednecks couldn’t have been real life right? I honestly can’t tell. But I do know this. If you tell your sister you killed your husband and need help cleaning up and she thinks you’re serious it’s probably only a matter of time till you kill him for real. Redneck city.
Introducing Camillia from Manchester, NH. Cute. as. a. button. Evidently she has been featured on BarstoolU before but everyone knows being featured on Boston is where its at. Camillia just punched her ticket to any Blackout on the face of the earth.
Do you know any smokes who still need tickets for Springfield, Trenton or Hartford? Send girls to firstname.lastname@example.org
REVENGE OF SPRINGFIELD FOAM – April 4th (BUY TICKETS)
Hartford Blackout – Webster Theater – April 6th – BUY TICKETS
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Charlotte Blackout – 4/26 – Tickets on Sale HERE
Coastal Carolina FOAM – 4/27 – Tickets on Sale HERE
(Aro) – A Zimbabwean woman has said in court that her marriage is teetering on the verge of collapse after she refused to have sex with a snake. Venenciah Chatima said in court that her husband Mutsvodi Makwini is forcing her to have sex with the dangerous reptile, a development which has irked her. The woman opened up at the Harare civil court where she was brought by Mutsvodi who was seeking a protection order against her. “The reason why he is divorcing me is not that I am abusing him as he claims in this court. The real issue here is that I refused to sleep with a snake. What happened was that he came home with a brand new television set and he told me that if I wanted him to bring more things at home I was supposed to have sex with a snake. Even though I refused to sleep with the snake, I have noticed that every morning I will be feeling as if I had slept with someone. As you can see I no longer have my front teeth. I lost them the day he assaulted me because I had entered our bedroom and caught my husband sleeping with his 25-year-old girlfriend on our matrimonial bed,” she said.
What the fuck is this husband thinking? You want your wife to fuck a snake bro? Maybe the worst animal imaginable to have her fuck. It’s no secret that one of the worst things possible is knowing your girlfriend has fucked dicks bigger than yours. It’s probably true, but it’s better to never know for sure. Way better. So why on earth would you want a living dildo swimming up your girl’s vaginal canal? That’s worse than a cuckold porn where the chubby white dude sits in the corner while Mandingo makes his wife’s labia droopier than a Dali painting. No fucking thanks. I’m self-conscious enough about my sexual prowess without watching an anaconda bear hug my wife’s gspot while a rattlesnake licks her into a coma.
So Rear Admiral just tweeted this to me. Somebody better go check on his ass. He may do something he regrets soon. Like I could literally feel his rage through the internet. Just beside himself in anger that Simmons could be this clueless. Oh you didn’t know Jaromir Jagr was good? Really? Only one of the three best players in the last 30+ years. Him Gretzky and Lemieux right? That’s the list. Maybe the Stastny brothers.
So last week I wrote a blog about how bullshit it was that Umass was hosting a knockoff foam party. You can read the blog here. Well this weekend the kid who runs the fake foam company posted this on his facebook page….
Believe it or not I wasn’t even going to respond to this rant. It wasn’t worth my time. I said my peace about how bullshit the whole thing was and I had no plans of ever mentioning it again. It was just something I had to get off my chest. But then this kid emails me last night saying he wants to clear the air with me and be buddy buddy. Let bygones be bygones. Wanted to treat each other with respect moving forward blah, blah, blah.
Umm how stupid do have to be bro? Two seconds ago you called me a fucking liar. Now you’re putting in writing that everything I said was the fucking truth? Hey asshole we’re not friends. We’re not colleagues. You’re a scumbag just like I said you were the first time. The only reason you’re suddenly reaching out to me is because you’re afraid we’re going to fuck up your Umass show. I mean did you really think I wasn’t going to blow you up? Are you that fucking crazy? Listen people can call me all types of names. The only thing that bothers me is when people call me a liar. Because despite all my bravado and rhetoric the one thing I never do on the blog is lie. I don’t do it. Never have. Never will. When I write something on the blog it’s truth and this moron just proved it. Again if Umass has any self pride Mullins Center won’t have more than 200 people in it. Not because he booked it in the middle of Finals, but because this is as UnAmerican as it gets. You can’t let the Umass administration get away with this type of nonsensical decision making.
Youtube – Northampton, MA police arrest an innocent black man outside of Tully O’Reilly’s for no reason. All he did was take out his phone to start recording the police. He did not fight back, did not resist, but was pepper-sprayed and slammed onto the ground and arrested.
As always with videos like these it’s tough to render a decision since we really don’t know the entire story. It does appear the black dude got tackled for trying to videotape the cops. If only there was an attorney around to straighten this mess out. That would have been huge. Anybody know where I can find an attorney?
PS – How many times did that Tully’s bouncer try to tell that lady to do something only to get his shit kicked in with her attorney mumbo jumbo. Bro if you’re just going to turn around everytime she says she’s an attorney you should probably give up. Because I’m pretty sure she’s going to keep bringing that up everytime.
Fucking Lohan. Tweets this at 12:35 in the morning on April 2nd. Literally can’t even do April Fool’s Day right. That’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom. Not when you’re arrested 1,000 times for being a drunk crack whore kleptomaniac, but when you’re such a mess you can’t even nail a kindergarten joke. 35 minutes late, Lohan. April Fools isn’t an LA court, you’re not allowed to show up whenever you please. You got a hard 24 hour window and you missed it. Stick to being the hottest red head in the world, loving blow and taking killer mug shots, you’re much better a that than jokes.
Update: People didn’t think I thought of time change? She was in Sao Paulo. They’re an hour ahead of EST. You think I’d make a colossal mistake like forgetting to factor in time difference and luckily backdoor save it by her being in a place that doesn’t recognize daylight savings? Ha!
Does This Look Like The Face Of A Chick Who Cut Her Boyfriend’s Throat When He Got Mad That She Told Him She Was Pregnant As An April Fools Joke?
DM – A teenager has ended up in jail and her boyfriend has been treated in hospital after an April Fool’s prank went wrong. Tori Wheeler, 18, jokingly told her boyfriend, Derek Bauer, that she was pregnant in Wagoner County, Arizona on Monday, Sheriff’s Maj. Gary Handley said. But on hearing the news, Bauer became angry and she pulled out a knife and threatened him – telling police this was also an April Fool’s joke. But when Bauer continued to grow angry and said he would call the police, she allegedly lost her temper, cut him across the throat and bit him twice, police said. Authorities responded to the Wagoner County residence following a complaint for assault with a deadly weapon. Bauer was taken to hospital by ambulance and needed seven stitches for the cuts to his neck. But his injuries were not considered to be life threatening and he has since been released, authorities said. Handley said deputies met Bauer at the local hospital before he was sent home.
Only a chick could pull off something like this. Only a girl could get angry at the reaction from her own practical joke and end up slitting the joke victim’s throat. Just completely unable to handle situations that they’ve created. It’s like when you’re throwing a football around at the beach and a girl tells you to throw it to her. So you do and it goes right through her hands and blasts her in the face. Has happened to me a couple times before. Now all of a sudden you look like the bad guy when in reality the girl shouldn’t have been trying to be athletic or coordinated in the first place. Same idea here. If you’re gonna pull out a knife and stab your boyfriend in the jugular when you tell him your pregnant, maybe just don’t tell him your pregnant. Know yourself, ladies. If you can’t catch a football or deal with the consequences of practical jokes, don’t try either. For our safety and your own.
NYPost – Soup Nazi actor Larry Thomas is all steamed up after gun manufacturer Serbu Firearms used his image on a T-shirt and Facebook campaign against New York State’s gun laws. The “Seinfeld” star was horrified to see his image — along with the phrase “No Serbu for You!” — being used to help promote Tampa-based Serbu’s campaign against the ban on the sale of defined assault rifles in New York. The company, founded by mechanical engineer Mark Serbu, is known for producing the $7,000, BFG-50 semi-automatic 51.5-inch sniper rifle, one weapon banned under the 2013 NY Secure Ammunition and Firearms Enforcement Act. Outraged Thomas contacted Facebook, Serbu and even the T-shirt manufacturer to complain. He tells us, “I own the rights to my image as the Soup Nazi. Serbu did not ask my permission, and Facebook won’t take the image down. Not only did they do this without my authorization, but also I am an advocate of gun control.” Thomas added, “I have seen my face on T-shirts, random objects on eBay in the past, but politically this is the most offensive thing I have seen involving me as the Soup Nazi.”
I’m sure Larry Thomas aka the Soup Nazi is a good dude in real life and all, but I just can’t take him seriously here. Like when he says “I own the rights to my image as the Soup Nazi.” That’s just funny. You can’t be angry and protest something as serious as gun control while calling yourself the Soup Nazi and think people aren’t gonna laugh at you. C’mon man, you played a disgruntled purveyor of mulligatawny. You were friends with Cosmo Kramer. You gave Elaine an armoire and didn’t give George any bread. You’re a hilarious mustachioed man. That’s who you’ll always be and your face is gonna show up on coffee mugs and t-shirts and gun protests from time to time. That’s what happens when you have one of the most memorable catch phrases in TV history. I mean I don’t care about whatever this debate is but I might buy that shirt just cause it’s a cool shirt. You just never get old, Soup Nazi. You’re a timeless comedy staple even in assault rifle arguments. That’s nothing short of a flattering compliment.
TMZ – Magic Johnson’s 20-year-old son hit the Sunset Strip, hand in hand with his boyfriend … and his parents couldn’t be happier for their kid. Earvin Johnson III — aka EJ — is one of Magic’s 3 kids. The Lakers legend tells TMZ, “Cookie and I love EJ and support him in every way.” Magic goes on, “We’re very proud of him.”
I didn’t know Magic Johnson had a gay son. And what a gay son! See this is how I like my gays. Completely decked out and sassy and struttin all over the place with their arm candy. Carrying an expensive purse around like a big queen boss. Fur coat and leather pants, loud and proud and loving every minute of it. And you know he has no idea how basketball works either. Like his dad is one of the most famous and respected players of all time but he still doesn’t know how many points a free throw is worth and shit. So what? Who needs to know the rules of a silly sport when you look that FABULOUS.