YouTube – Tedy Bruschi gets emotional when Patriots owner Robert Kraft discusses Bruschi’s importance to the franchise.
Hmm, what was Bruschi’s importance to this franchise? I think one guy summed it up perfectly…
“There’s no player that I think epitomizes more of what I believe a player should be on the field, off the field, really, in every situation. I guess, if you ask me to sum up how I feel about Tedy Bruschi in five seconds: He’s the perfect player. Perfect player. He’s helped create a tradition here that we’re all proud of. The torch has been passed, and we’ll try to carry it on. It’s a high standard. It’s a high standard.”
- Bill Belichick
Classiest franchise in sports (triple homicide murderers notwithstanding)
So ESPN had this huge story on Johnny Manziel today. Great read. Everybody is buzzing about it on the interwebs and rightfully so. Just made me love Johnny Football more than I already did. Like how can you not love this guy? He kind of reminds me of Gronk in a weird way. Just a normal bro trying to live his life exactly how you or I would live it if we were lucky enough to be him. Banging every chick he can, drinking, partying and living it up. In other words being a normal college kid. I’d much rather root for a guy like that then frauds like Peyton Manning. Guy who pretend to be holier than thou. Gimme Johnny Football who is freaking out on people on Twitter. Give me Johnny Football who will rip a bong at a Texas Frat and then bang the hottest coed at the party. Give me Johnny Football’s dad who keeps getting banned on Texas A+M message boards. That’s the guy I want to root for. The guy who is living the dream and not apologizing for it. I don’t want a robot from Alabama who says all the right things. I want the gunslinger. There is a reason Johnny Football is the most talked about college football player of the last 3 decades. There is a reason he has transcended the sport. It’s the same reason people love Gronk. People like guys with real personalities and Manziel has it in spades.
Internet is loving these shots right now. Everyone talking about how hot Ruthie got. Is she looking good? You bet she is. But come on. She’ll always be second fiddle on the 7th Heaven set. Give me Bikini Biel over Bikini Ruthie every single day.
Almost every one of these stats surprises the shit out of me, but here are the 5 most surprising
1. 65% of women have pubes – What are we talking about here? Like 65% of women have some hair, or 65% of women have a bush? Because I don’t care about hair, in fact I encourage some. I’ll take a landing strip or a triangle over totally bald, but don’t have a bush. Just make an effort and make sure it’s not on your lips or your asshole and we’re good.
2. 75% of men cum in less than 3 minutes – THREE minutes? I always joke about how bad I am at sex (and I’m serious, I’m awful). But this is outrageous. If you cum in less than 180 seconds then that’s not even sex.
3. 40% of women have tried anal – This seems insanely high. Statistics say almost half the girls I’ve had sex with have done anal? Then why did I need to sell my soul to even get just the tip in once for one second? Numbers don’t add up.
4. 20% of women have had a threesome – So you’re saying there’s a 1 in 5 chance that the future mother of my children has had a dick in her ass and her pussy? Fuck my life.
5. 40% have tried bondage – Again, really fucking high if you ask me. If pink fluffy handcuffs count as light bondage then this makes sense, but I don’t think it does. Light bondage needs to have at least a paddle or a whip or a gag. 40% of women treat the bedroom like a kink.com set? C’mon.
PS – Really could have done without this image.
Independent.com – A UCSB student charged with filing a false rape report after she solicited a man to beat her up in exchange for sex was sentenced Thursday to 60 days in Santa Barbara County Jail and three years of probation. As part of her no contest plea, 20-year-old Morgan Triplett is also required to complete 200 hours of community service, undergo 60 hours of mental-health treatment, and pay a $710 fine. Triplett had traveled to UC Santa Cruz in February for a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender conference where, according to authorities, she organized a strange and perverse scenario in a desperate attempt to save a troubled relationship. On February 17, Triplett called 9-1-1 to report she had been raped while looking for banana slugs along one of UCSC’s campus paths. Though she gave a detailed description of the supposed suspect, which prompted . Over the course of their 11-day investigation, police determined Triplett had instead actually met a man through Craigslist who agreed to kick and punch her and be paid afterward with sex. Triplett would eventually admit to fabricating the rape incident. Triplett’s attorney, Santa Cruz public defender Jack Lamar, was unavailable for comment, but Schonfield said she heard from him that Triplett is currently in counseling and is close to graduating UCSB with a bachelor’s degree in sociology.
I believe this is what people on Craigslist refer to as the Motherload. This bro just casually perusing the personals and responding to this ad like it ain’t no thing. “Like oh I heard you’re in the market for somebody to beat the shit out of you and then fuck your brains out? Sounds like an awesome time. Where do I sign up? I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong”. I mean dude didn’t even think twice. Just letting his nuts hang all over the place. Love it. That’s the beauty of Craigslist. Sometimes you show up and get murdered and other times you get to whale on a bitch and get paid in pussy. Keep doing you Craigslist. Keep doing you.
BALLSTON SPA, N.Y. – A Schenectady man was sentenced Monday to six months in prison plus restitution after he was arrested for stealing a limousine carrying a bachelorette party from the Saratoga Casino and Raceway while intoxicated. Tyler Bellick, 22, was drunk when he stole the limo with about a dozen women in it then drove a short distance before crashing the vehicle. Police say he stole the limo in an attempt to avoid using the interlocking breathalyzer device that was installed in his own vehicle after a previous DWI conviction.
I believe the great philosopher Peter McNeeley said it best. If you don’t respect what this guy did stealing a limo full of chicks at a bachelorette party than you have a big dump in your pants. It’s called living bro. Plus if these chicks didn’t sneaky want to get stolen then they wouldn’t have been sitting there with the key in the ignition in the first place. They were basically begging to get kidnapped. Probably got all wet and shit.
Liking bad music is kind of my “thing” so trust me when I say this song is utterly unbearable. Rule 1 of making a shitty song is you have to make it catchy. Like Rebecca Black’s “Friday”? Fire. But this is so awful on so many levels, there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about it. You know how you can tell how bad a horror movie is by how much gratuitous and unnecessary nudity they use? What we just watched was the music video version. As if they were in a production meeting and thought “Well this song sucks. And both artists are universally hated. So how are we going to get people to watch this?” and some intern chimed in “Asses. Asses everywhere. They walk on asses, there are ass islands, there are asses in the sky and there are bodies without torsos that are just asses!” At this point I almost feel bad for Flo Rida and Pitbull. They’re caricatures of production companies. There’s just no way they lay down this track then high five and say, “Now THIS is why I got into music! Fucking nailed it, buddy!”
JULY 29--In separate incidents, two men allegedly assaulted their girlfriends with pizza, police report. North Carolina cops yesterday arrested Cody Sebastian Parsons, 25, after responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home he shares with Sarah McKinney, his 19-year-old girlfriend. According to a Wilkesboro Police Department report, Parsons became angry after slipping on a wet floor. As he cursed at McKinney, Parsons allegedly pelted her with pizza. During questioning by cops, Parsons denied throwing the pizza. However, an officer reported finding “pizza sauce on the back of [McKinney’s] right rib cage.” Additionally, “there were pieces of pizza all over the living room floor as well as on the wall behind the front entrance door to the apartment.”Parsons was charged with assault on a female and booked into the Wilkes County jail on the misdemeanor count.
In a prior incident, a South Carolina man was collared last Wednesday for domestic violence after he allegedly assaulted his girlfriend with a slice.Jimmy Ray Poage, 47, was busted after the 40-year-old victim told sheriff’s deputies that he threw pizza at her in the couple’s Fort Mill home. The woman–who had pizza sauce on her face, arms, and clothing–also said that Poage grabbed her around the neck and slammed her into a kitchen counter.Poage, seen in the adjacent mug shot, admitted pelting his girlfriend with pizza, but claimed that she threw it at him first. But while the woman’s clothing was splattered with sauce, Poage’s garments were “clear of pizza or pizza sauce,” according to a York County Sheriff’s report.
What in the wide world of sports if fucking happening here? Who the fuck assaults somebody with a pizza slice? No joke that’s worse than defacing the flag. There are some lines you just don’t cross and throwing pizza is one of them. You don’t throw pizza. You eat pizza. It’s rule #1 of the pizza game. In fact if it were up to me I’d lock these guys up and throw away the keys. Because if you’re willing to just waste pizza like this you’re pretty much capably of anything. Fucking savages.
Between their subway systems and their swimming pools, I’m pretty sure China is the best place on earth to be a pervert. They’re basically just giving you loopholes to not be charged with a crime. Like oh sorry that my dick accidentally slipped into your bathing suit ma’am, I couldn’t help it. I got pushed by the eighty billion people behind me. It’s a foolproof defense. Not to mention the other obvious downfall to this pool, which is that it’s gotta be 95% piss and at least 35% shit. And that’s being conservative. I mean just imagine being in the middle of that clusterfuck and having last night’s General Tso’s chicken come knocking at your back door? You’re not moving a god damn inch. Only option is to aqua dump and hope it floats away which it won’t. DOOOOODDDDIIIIEEEEE!
(The dad. Looks like a decent dude.)
CO – A Greeley couple has been cited for starting a brawl of roughly 20 people after a youth baseball game. The game for 10 year olds was a competitive playoff game, according to witnesses. Greeley Police Sgt. Susan West said. Jennifer Metzler, one of the adults there that night, says parents were rolling on the ground and one man even got kicked in the groin. ”The boys were crying; all the boys were crying,” Metzler said. James Dyer told police he approached the other coach in the first place because Dyer’s son had been a third base runner during the game and had been clapping to distract the other team. He says the opposing coach told Dyer’s son to stop. So Dyer approached the coach after the game. ”He started using profanity. The coach was not saying anything back to him,” Metzler said. President of Greeley Evans Youth League says the event was embarrassing for both the league and the city of Greeley. As league officials investigate what happened, he says it’s important they figure out how to prevent a similar incident in the future. ”We are looking into maybe some counseling for the kids,” Juarez said.
I’m pretty sure that clapping at third base to distract the pitcher isn’t technically illegal, but it’s definitely a bush league move. Or it goes case by case where the umpire can give you a warning if you’re being a real dick about it. Either way you’re a bitch if you do it. Now after seeing this dad’s picture, I think it’s safe to say that his biggest contribution to his son’s athletic career was teaching him all the ways to get away with cheating. So it’s no surprise that he started a 20 person brawl in front of a bunch of ten year olds. The opposing coach was undermining all the base running lessons this dude had passed down to his son. That’s gonna piss a dad off every time. He’s like hey, I’m his father and I taught him to have no class and play like a giant asshole. You have no right to try and teach him sportsmanship! Not on my watch! Boom, brawl. That’s just the way some dads are though. They think they can best help the team by embarrassing their family and getting arrested.
Hey honey can you be any cuter……
Guardian – Liverpool have issued members of staff with a list of “unacceptable” words and phrases in their efforts to combat all forms of discrimination at Anfield. The guide, part of a wider education programme run by the club, details terms that employees should deem offensive under the headings of race/religion, sexual orientation, gender and disability. Most are self-explanatory and the guide advises that it is “important to understand the context of what’s being said”, as in the use, under gender for example, of “princess” or “don’t be a woman” on the Anfield terraces next season.
If you don’t think that I’m calling all my friends “poofs” from now on then you’re crazy. No I called shotgun you fucking poof! Haha. Classic. Knob-jockey ain’t bad either. I have no idea why “man-up” is on the list though. In what world is that offensive? My t-ball coach used to tell me to man up. Anyway, whoever came up with the idea to release this list is an idiot. What are all your players twelve years old? Gonna just go ahead and make sure they memorize all the no-no words? Yeah I’m pretty sure that a grown man using any of these terms understands exactly what he’s doing and firing off a quick memo isn’t gonna change his casual vocab. Then again I don’t know much about soccer.
CT – She kissed her summer goodbye. A Connecticut teen was hauled off by a gun-toting police officer for kissing a boy at a Berkshires sleep-away camp, according to a new lawsuit. The 15-year-old was labeled a “security threat” by Camp Emerson director Sue Lein — who called Hinsdale, Mass., police on July 11 to escort the young woman to her parents, who were waiting for her at the gate, according to court documents filed yesterday in Bridgeport, Conn. “I don’t understand why [Lein] acted this way,” said the minor, who is called “Jane Doe” in the lawsuit to protect her identity. Her boyfriend is called “Dick.” “She kicked me out of camp because of a simple kiss the day before my birthday,” the girl said. “It was just a kiss. She is a big bully — she made me feel horrible about myself and she ruined my summer.” The girl’s father, Manhattan attorney Jeff Miller, is suing the camp, which costs about $7,000 per month, for more than $675,000 in damages, including for defamation and emotional distress caused to his daughter. Jane Doe was expelled two weeks into her four-week stay without her belongings, which the camp allegedly refuses to return. The camp director called the little girl a “slut,” “loose,” and a “tramp,” and accused her of taking her bra off during the “innocent kiss,” according to the court papers.
Let me say this loud and clear. If we’re gonna start kicking kids out of camp for kissing, we might as well just eliminate camp altogether. Kissing at camp is like the most natural childhood instinct there is. It’s basically the point of camp in general. I remember those days for the one year I went to camp. Just invite the chick back to your cabin for some bug juice, set the mood with a little mosquito repellent, maybe put a little calamine lotion on her poison ivy to get her wet, and then you make out for hours in the bushes. That’s camp. You take away kissing and you take away the heart and soul of the whole thing. And it’s pretty obvious that this camp director who kicked her out and called her a slut was just mad because she never gets any action herself. I think because all camp directors are celibate lesbians.
Jose Iglesias’ final 18 games with the Red Sox produced this staggering slash line; .167/.167/.167. 11-66, 0 extra base hits, 0 walks.
— Sean Grande (@SeanGrandePBP) July 31, 2013
(SI) — A deal is in place that will send Chicago White Sox pitcher Jake Peavy to the Boston Red Sox and the trade should be announced Wednesday if the teams are satisfied with Peavy’s medical records, reports the Chicago Tribune. Red Sox infielder Jose Iglesias will be headed to the Detroit Tigers as part of the trade. CBSSports.com reports that the Tigers needed an infielder because the team is expecting shortshop Jhonny Peralta to be suspended as part of Major League Baseball’s investigation into the Biogenesis clinic.
Cliff Lee he is not (Bucholz – Lee – Lester – Lackey was a nice fantasy for a 7 game series while it lasted), but if someone is kind enough to pass the Kool Aid I’ll take a pull. 8-4 with a 4.5 ERA isn’t half bad for a guy who’s going to be our 4th starter come playoff time. For now, plug the hole until Bucholz’s shoulder/vagina heals. It’s actually kind of a perfect move. Enough to show that they’re not looking this season as a free, good run during a bridge year (which we all expected it to be in March), but not too much as to jeopardize the future. Yeah, I can definitely talk myself into this. Jake Peavy! Woo! Jagerbombs for everyone!
FOXBORO — Maybe more than anyone, Tedy Bruschi could appreciate just what it meant for Patriots coach Bill Belichick to leave practice to say a few words — check that — to gush about and heap praise upon a former player. In a surprise appearance, his first at a Patriots Hall of Fame induction ceremony, Belichick rushed onstage in front of the Hall at Patriot Place to speak about inductees Bruschi and Gil Santos, but he saved his most candid words for his former inside linebacker. Several minutes into his speech, Belichick zeroed in on a play Bruschi made during the 2001 AFC playoffs against the Oakland Raiders as the one he cherished most. Facing a second-and-3, the Raiders ran an off-tackle play. “We were in a bad defense, it wasn’t good, and there was a hole there, I’m telling you, it was as wide as this stage. That’s how big it was,” Belichick said. “And here comes (fullback) Jon Ritchie and here comes (running back) Charlie Garner with the ball right behind him, and we’ve got one guy, and that’s Bruschi. He stepped in there, he hit Ritchie, he tackled Garner and it was third-and-1. And I’m telling you, without that play, there wouldn’t have been a lot of other plays that happened that year (on the way to winning the Super Bowl). That was the biggest play of the season. He made a lot of the other ones, but that was one that I’ll never, ever forget.” Belichick’s speech was the most poignant, a rare bit of emotion from the coach when at a podium. It was not lost on Bruschi. “It reminded me of . . . I was surprised,” Bruschi said. “I didn’t know Bill would be out there. Bill’s busy, as you can see with the practice going on. And you’ve got to know coach Belichick for, to pull himself out of a competitive situation like a scrimmage type of situational practice, to come and do that . . .” Bruschi paused and put his right hand on the breast of his red Hall of Fame coat. “Humbling, and very grateful for it, because I know what it takes for him to take his mind away from football for just a split second,” he said.
We can all admit there are bigger Halls of Fame than the Patriots and there are more prestigious honors than being inducted into it. But no one ever got a tribute greater than the one Tedy Bruschi got last night. He could win an MVP, an SI Sportsman of the Year, a Nobel, a Presidential Medal of Freedom and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive all in the same day and it wouldn’t come close to having Bill Belichick skip a practice to come pay homage to you. The most hands-on, Type A, detail oriented coach of his era, leaving his minions to run the practice in front of 40,000 people and then losing his shit in public while he says how great you are? Damn right Tedy is humbled and grateful for it. And no player in Pats history was ever more deserving. I already blogged about Bruschi’s career highlights when he first got elected so instead this time I’ll just cite the stat he mentioned yesterday: 366. That’s the number of total tackles he made after surviving a stroke. Coming back from something like that takes the kind of heart and dedication that doesn’t come along except maybe once in a generation. And to a football lifer like Belichick, who grew up in locker rooms and understands the struggles and sacrifices these guys make to be great, standing alongside Tedy on that stage was the only place to be. So much for all the anti-Patriots jihadists who say he’s not human and doesn’t care about his players. Because it doesn’t get any more caring than this. @JerryThornton1
Introducing Nikki from URI. We have an HOF smokeshow week underway. Two days. Two firehouses. Keep the streak alive! And we hope to see Nikki at the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence Sept 20th for the biggest party ever to hit Little Vegas.
Do you know any smokes? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org
Way to pick em NESN. Way to pick em.
Ok we asked for submissions and we got submissions. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Probably more flag designs submitted than for anything we’ve ever received before in the history of the Stool. And somewhere in this clusterfuck is the winner. I can smell it. I think my plan is to pick the top 10 or 20 and vote on them individually. How I’m going to narrow it down to the top 20 though I have no idea. I guess it’s true what they say. With great power comes great responsibility….