Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.
This is my friend John. He’s a really nice kid and would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it but his style is more than suspect at times. He wears nothing but Yankees gear and minor league hockey jerseys to compliment his array of jorts. He’s always wearin his fuckin hat sideways too. Help my unique-wannabe friend find his inner preppy white boy. Have a heart.
(You don’t get to drink Poland Spring Bitch. That’s from Maine!)
Bostonglobe - A sister of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects was arrested in New York on Wednesday after allegedly threatening a woman in a domestic harassment case, saying, “I have people that can go over there and put a bomb on you.” Ailina Tsarnaev of North Bergen, N.J., was arrested at a police station in New York City Wednesday afternoon, charged with one count of aggravated harassment. She was released with a summons to return to a criminal court in Manhattan on Sept. 3, said police Lieutenant John Grimpel. Grimpel said the victim of Ailina Tsarnaev’s alleged threat has a child with the father of one of Tsarnaev’s children. Ailina Tsarnaev has been arrested before. She was charged with impeding a 2010 investigation into counterfeiting, and later failed to appear in court. The investigation was based on the passing of a counterfeit bill at an Applebee’s restaurant in Dorchester. She is not accused of passing the fake currency, but police say she knew members of the group that did. The two Tsarnaev sisters are believed to be staying together in New Jersey, and New York media outlets recently reported that Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s widow, Katherine Russell, who had a child with him, recently moved in with them.
How are these sisters still in this country? Oh you know people who can make bombs? Hey I have an idea. Let’s haul her ass in, waterboard her in front of her brother and find out who these people are. And then lets go round them up, waterboard their asses and find out who they know. And then let’s go round them up and waterboard them too. I want everybody with the last name Tsarnaev waterboarded to death. I have no idea how these sisters are allowed to live in this country. Clearly they sympathize with their terrorist brothers. If they didn’t they wouldn’t visit his ass in jail. Clearly they are terrorists themselves. Let fucking round their asses up and torture them. That’s what I think should happen. And can we deport Terrorist #1’s kid? He doesn’t get to get to live here. Go drop him in the middle east or something. Better yet say you’re dropping him in the middle east and just drop him in the middle of the ocean. It’s Lion King 101. You don’t let the Terrorists son grow up and blow more people up. Obviously the kid is gonna be fucked. Get his ass out of this country and get Katherine Russell the fuck out too.
When your team is rolling out The Expendables and putting a rookie quarterback in charge of leading them against another team’s camp bodies hours before they’re lockers are being emptied into garbage bags, you should never, ever try to reach conclusions. And by “never, ever” I mean “always.” So here’s a few takeaways from last night’s meaningless exercise that I’ll treat like gospel truth:
*I’ll come right out and lob this grenade: Jimmy Garopollo is the second best quarterback in the AFC East.
*While the few remaining Jets, Dolphins and Bills fans are pulling the shrapnel of that out of their wounds, I’ll make the case. He does all the things- mechanical, mental and intangible – you look for in a QB. He makes the 3-step drop and gets the ball out, like the completion just before the half where Aaron Dobson came free on a pick play. Garopollo looked left, quickly found Dobson on the right and delivered a perfect throw. He rolls the pocket well to extend plays, like the 19 yarder to Jeremy Gallon on 3rd & long. He makes the 7 step drop and throws a quality deep ball, like the Dobson TD. He showed a great play fake, like the draw to James White for 9 that he sold with a fake throw. And for the first time we got to seem him get extensive time under center. It wasn’t perfect, and at times he and the receivers weren’t on the game chapter (on the interception Josh Boyce ran a zig and he threw a zag), but at no point did he look anything but large and in charge.
*Now I’ll get my wish if he does nothing but hold a Kindle Fire on the sidelines all year. But I’ve never felt better about the Patriots of the 2020s.
*So far so good on Tim Wright. Six targets, four catches for 46 yards. For a guy who had less time with the playbook in the last two days than I spent on internet porn. He looked big, moved well, showed he can fight to get open. And it was great to hear that little tidbit about how he was a team captain at Rutgers and the 17 Scarlet Knights on the roster said he was universally respected. Plus I heard somewhere this week he cut his teammates hair? The more you can do… Read the rest of this entry »
No doubt you’ve seen by now that Bud Light is throwing a three-day, anything-goes party this summer dubbed Whatever, USA. Since the party looks awesome and our invitations seem to have got lost in the mail, we thought we’d record our answers to a handful of the audition questions and see if we can get an invite the old-fashioned way.
You be the judge and if you think you have better answers, go to UpforWhatever.com to see if you have what it takes to get sent out to the party.
Louisiana – A 41-year-old teacher is behind bars after she allegedly confessed to having a sexual relationship with 16-year-old boy. According to the probable cause report submitted by the East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff’s Office, the student’s parents contacted deputies… “They discovered inappropriate text messages on their child’s cell phone,” the deputy noted in the probable cause report. “They cross referenced the number and discovered that it belonged to a teacher at his school. They questioned their child about the messages and he admitted that he was involved in an inappropriate relationship with the accused… He admitted that he had sexual intercourse with [his teacher] at [the] school…,” Deputies recovered nude photographs of the woman, Ashley Elizabeth Dowden, as well as sexually explicit text messages.
Remember how in “A Bronx Tale” Robert DeNiro keeps telling G how “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent”? I happen to agree that’s true. But the second closest thing to that is wasted heart. Someone who really wants it bad, puts their whole soul and being into it, makes every effort, but fails because they don’t have the talent. I’m talking about that kid who’ll stick in nose in to the play to try to tackle someone twice as big as him but just doesn’t have the size to get it done. I’m talking about the aspiring actor who knocks on every door, goes to every audition and lives off Ramens hoping to make it, but will never make it. Those thousands who try to get on “American Idol” but will never sing for an audience bigger than Saturday at the karaoke lounge at Cathay Center. I’m talking about the dreamers like Ashley Elizabeth Dowden. She has all the makings of a Sex Scandal Teacher great except where it really counts. You can’t help but admire her hustle and root for her. But like I always say, you can’t teach looks.
Looks: Andy Dick. Grade: D
Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: Sex in the school. Sext messages. Nude pictures all over the place. Rudy, I wish I could put your heart into some of these other guys’ bodies. Grade: A
Intangibles: Not much to go on here. Even her name sounds more like a mass murderer than a porn star. But Baton Rouge is literally French for “big red pole.” That’s all I got. Grade: C-
Overall: C- Sorry, Ashley Elizabeth. But don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever give up.
[thanks to @OldMetJohn] Have information about a hot female teacher having sex with her students? Preferably with pictures? Help make the world safe for Teacher Sex Scandals by Tweeting me @jerrythornton1.
All in all, that’s a pretty good bar scrap. Few knockout blows, little melee, and then a pool cue being used as a weapon of mass destruction. The guy was lethal with that thing. I mean this cut right here?
That’s some Vlad Guerrero shit. Way out of the strike zone but he fucking knocked it out of the park.
And you know what the best part is? These are all jockeys (Landlord OWNS Grand National jockey in bar fight This is the moment brawling Grand National jockey Sean Quinlan gets a pounding from a have-a-go-hero pub landlord wielding a POOL CUE) It’s a massive jockey brawl! Thank god this guy was armed because if anyone knows anything about jockeys, they’re crazy people. Did you know that?
What was that? I don’t know! I have no idea! But if I close my eyes I’m not sure if it’s Bergeron or Def Jam Slam Poetry up there. Can’t tell if it’s Nose Face Killah on stage or Bob Dylan. It’s all so deep, so emotional. The words speak to me in a way I didn’t know possible. So no, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in those commercials. No one does, but they’re provocative and got me going.
Rate who’s better, 1 for Bergy and 10 for Nose Face. I’m going 5 because they’re both flawless