(Boston) — Boston police said 69 year old Harry Johnson walked into the Walgreen’s on Tremont Street around 8:30 p.m., stuffed items in his backpack and under his shirt and then left without paying. “When the employees demanded the suspect return the stolen items the suspect grabbed his waist (as if reaching for a gun) and stated, “I have a gun,” and lunged toward the employees in a threatening manner,” police said in a statement. Officers on patrol in the neighborhood noticed the argument. They searched Johnson and did not find a weapon. However, police said they found a box of Trojan Magnum condoms hidden under his shirt and five bottles of Nivea lotion in his backpack.

I almost made fun of Harry Johnson here. First of all, your name sucks bro. Must have been torcher on the elementary school playground. Second of all, you’re 69 years old and still using condoms? And third of all, you’re using those condoms to jerk off? I can’t think of another reason to steal condoms and lotion other than you beat off into condoms. But then I saw that they were Magnums.  I don’t care what skeletons you have in your closet, what kind of kinky habits you have.  Needing Magnums for your dick is like an infinity get-out-of-being-made-fun-of card. Like “oh you caught me in a pink tutu with a spiked dildo up my ass jerking off into condoms? Got a 14 inch python bro. Still got something to say?” So nice work, Harry. You’re a geriatric old fuck who steals condoms and Nivea yet you still managed to make me feel like half a man today.