Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.
This Week’s Contestant
I’m emailing you to nominate my buddy Tom, aka DOFF (designated obnoxious fat friend) to be the next Milton’s Pimp my Look contestant. Tom is that friend that every group of friends has who has given up on having a presentable appearance a long time ago and scares every ounce of pussy in the general vicinity away due to his shrek like features. The one and only great thing about him is he makes everyone in our group feel better about our fledging alcoholism. We’ve known the kid our whole life and we’ll be friends with him forever, but he’s in desperate need of a wardrobe change.
I think this is the part of the email where I’m supposed to say “oh Tom’s such a great guy, he’s just not fashionable” blah blah blah. That, however, couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s honestly the biggest piece of shit on earth. He’s vehemently hateful to woman and there’s a 100% chance he dies alone. Sad to say, but it’s true. The kid has absolutely nothing to live for.
Help us help Tom. If you guys pimp his look, we at least won’t be the group at the bar with the guy rocking the “I’d wrap that in bacon” shirt. Everytime we’re out with him it looks likes he just escaped from the zoo. We’re sick of it, so hook up Tom for us.
Viva la Stool