This Spring Break In The 90s Photo Gallery Is Such A Facial To Today’s College Kids

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90s smokes get a bad wrap but it’s a hell of a showing in these old pictures from Spring Break. Booty in weird bikini and feathered hair, that’s what 90s smokes do.

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 3:32 PM

Marry Fuck Kill – Belichick, Brady, Gronk….GASP!

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Gronk

Total Number of Votes: 8097

 

Maybe the toughest Marry Fuck Kill of all time. Let’s start with the easiest part first. I’m marrying Belichick. Because here is a proven scientific fact. As long as Bill Belichick is the coach of the Patriots worst case scenario is we are 11-5 and make it to the AFC title game. Our future is secure as long as he wants to still coach. It could be another 20 years of dominance. He’s the greatest coach who has ever lived period. Sure other teams have had long runs, but none of them in the salary cap era and in an era where parity is king. Where the league has made the rules so everybody should be equal. The fact he has managed to keep the Pats on top for the past 15 years is arguably the most impressive feat in the history of sports. Obviously having Brady helps but this guy could win with tomato cans. He’s that brilliant

Next up is the fuck. This is where it gets tough. If you need to win 1 huge game right now who do you want in the starting lineup. Gronk or Brady? As crazy as it sounds I’m going with Gronk. I think he’s the most important player in the NFL. Our offense is non existent without him and virtually unstoppable with him. I think we could win with Garrapalo. I don’t think we can win without Gronk.

That obviously means I’m killing Brady. I never thought I’d say that, buy to quote a wise philosopher it is what it is. Brady is still great. He’s still a HOF QB. One of the greatest to ever lace them up. It’s really just that I think Gronk right now is at the top of his game and is playing the TE position better than anybody in the history of football. We may not be able to win without Brady but I know we can’t win without Gronk.  I’d take my chances with Garapalo and Gronk over Brady and no Gronk.

 

Marry – Belichick

Fuck – Gronk

Kill – Brady

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 3:00 PM

12 Celebrities Who Killed Someone Is A Legitimately Shocking List

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Brandy killed someone and it wasn’t Monica in that “The Boy Is Mine” song? Who knew?

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 2:27 PM

I’m Starting To Freak Out About My Impending Blog Neck

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(Source)Sixty pounds is roughly the weight of four adult-sized bowling balls. Or six plastic grocery bags worth of food. Or an 8-year-old. It is also, according to a new calculation published in the journal Surgical Technology International, the amount of force exerted on the head of an adult human who is looking down at her phone. Kenneth Hansraj, a New York back surgeon, found this figure using a computer model of a human spine. An average human head weighs about 10 to 12 pounds, and tilting it down to check Facebook, send a text, or to Google the weight of an a human head increases the gravitational pull on said cranium.

 

 

 

Ever since I was a kid the idea of a hunchback has freaked me out. The first time I saw an old, sad person slumped over in a Denny’s booth I began sucking in my stomach and straightening my spine, to practice perfect posture. But now, I’m realizing that’s all for naught. I’ll never be anything but a bell ringing idiot. Fighting it is deciding to fight an impossible battle. We will all be a large “C” by the time we’re ready to die. We can poke fun at Pres and his horrific neck now, but we’ll be there. Soon enough, we’ll join him. I mean how often do you look at your phone? How often do you have your laptop in your lap while you watch TV? The only time my head is completely upright is when I’m texting and driving, holding my phone in front of my face. The rest of the time? Best case scenario I’m at a 45 degree angle. So appreciate what you have for now. Run, jump, look at things that are at eye level. Because sooner rather than later your head is going to be running parallel to the ground permanently. It’s like reverse evolution or some shit.

By feitelberg posted November 20th, 2014 at 2:15 PM

This Reddit Thread Of Jets Fans Ranting and Raving About How Good the Patriots Are May Be My Favorite Reddit Thread of All Time

 

Click For Entire Reddit Thread

 

Quote 1

“Bill Belichick doesn’t purely rely on system, or purely rely on the players. He maximizes what the players can do. When he had corey dillion in 2004, he let dillion run for 1,600 yards. When he had moss, welker, stallworth, and Gaffney (in 2007)…he went with a spread offense and let brady throw to whoever was open. When moss and welker were aging, he drafted gronk and hernandez…alone they are each some of the best TE in the game. Together, they were arguably the best TE duo in the game. They put up better numbers than 2007. When hernandez got all murdery…they went out and got wright, and lafell, and built an offense around their talents.The point is, he is always evolving his team to whatever he has. He doesn’t try to force lafell to be randy moss or force wright to be hernandez or edelman to be welker. Those ships have sailed.”

Quote 2

“The fact that the Patriots have established, what is one of the greatest stretches of success in the NFL, should absolutely infuriate Jets fans. It’s why this franchise should not expect anything less than the best. The Patriots, prior to Parcells arriving(and Belichick), were not an elite franchise. They made one Super Bowl appearance in their history before Parcells. I honestly don’t care if this sounds whiny or entitled. The Patriots are what we should aspire to be, in terms of success. And that should make you sick to your stomach.”

Quote 3

“Who the fuck is Jonas Gray? Is he the product of some Belichick voodoo bullshit or something?”

Quote 4

“10 years from now Tom Brady will become the Patriots GM, and Garopollo will be adding SuperBowl rings to his collection. Meanwhile the Jets will still be selecting bust QB’s in the draft and going 7-9 on a yearly basis.”

Quote 5

“Not just being good. Being dominant. Since 2001, they have won the division every year besides 2002 and 2008; 2002 was a 3-way tiebreaker at 9-7, and 2008 they lost a tiebreaker to the Phins at 11-5 (after starting Cassel all year). Under Brady, they’re 18-8 in the playoffs, and get a bye almost every year; they’ve made 5 superbowls and won 3. Brady’s career win % is .776, and he’s the only QB ever to be 100 wins over .500. He’s .792 in the AFC East. That kind of 15-year run of divisional dominance is unparalleled, with the possible exceptions of the ’70s Cowboys/Steelers and ’80s-90′s 49ers. Yes, the Patriots were mediocre before Belichick, but for almost a decade and a half, it’s been a given that they win the division. 31 other teams have had at least one down year in that span, but not the Pats. I’d rather share my division with a team that is good for 25 years and has a few dips, so we can at least get in some punches. The Patriots are a black hole to the hopes of Jets, Bills, and Phins fans.”

Quote 6

“I’d say that while none of the other 3 usually pose a threat, the Patriots are just really fucking good. It’s more of a build on them than it’s a knock on us. Back in 2010, I honestly believed we were better. I remember both of us being 9-2 going into a night game. We were better. We were going to beat them in early December, and rightfully win the division properly. No Cassel starting, no needing tiebreakers, nothing of the sort. We lost 45-3. It was a beating. I was ashamed and it was downright embarrassing. That Jets team was no joke, either. We ended up beating Manning and Brady back to back in the playoffs. And we almost beat Pittsburgh (if only we had decent playcalling…). Regardless, the 3 other teams might not be great, but I feel like they would be okay in other divisions. The Patriots have literally NEVER faltered since 2000. 9 wins is a BAD season to them. It sucks to say it, but they’re so damn good.”

 

 

Honestly this may be the favorite thing I’ve ever read in my life. I just sat here with a huge grin and a huge boner (relatively speaking of course) while reading this. Like you know what the only thing better than winning is? Watching your enemies suffer and burn.  For them to beg to be in other divisions so they can at least “get some punches in”.  Seriously the only reason I want to win so bad is so I don’t lose if that makes any sense. In other words the highs of winning aren’t as the low as the lows of losing. This thread just summed up perfectly what it’s like to be a loser. What it’s like to be KFC. Just a bunch of diehard Jets fans sitting around at a Jets AA meeting complaining about the Pats and life and basically accepting their fate.  Saying the Pats are a black hole of hope.  Laying their swords down at our feet. I literally could bathe in their tears forever.

PS – I love how Jets fans have already submitted to the fact Garrapalo is the next Brady. That is the definition of having real estate in somebody’s brain.

Double PS – The time the Patriots murdered Fireman Ed still may be my favorite Patriots moment of the last 15 years.

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 1:35 PM

Guess That Ass

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Read the rest of this entry »

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 1:01 PM

Woman Opens Up “Cuddling Shop” And Gets 10,000 Customers In The First Week

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(Source)Professional cuddler Samantha Hess has opened a pro cuddling shop, where for $60 customers can get an hour’s worth of spooning and “the level of human contact that we want or need in order to be our optimal selves.” Located in Portland, Oregon, the shop is called Cuddle Up To Me and is already very busy. “This business has taken off,” Hess told Fox 12. “I’ve gotten as many as 10,000 emails in a week.” Hour-long sessions cost $60 dollars and include hair strokes, hand-holding and a plethora of different cuddle positions.

 

 

 

Lot of feelings about this one. First of all, Samantha Hess is cute in a “chick with huge arms from the Northwest who opened a cuddle shop” kind of way, but she’s not someone with whom I’d be willing to skip sex for heavy petting. Second, if I’m going to be paying to cuddle, I need a better environment than that. It’s like an Army cot in a doctor’s waiting room. Absolutely nothing pleasant about that picture, certainly wouldn’t be able to relax with some psycho holding me in front of two plastic plants. But you know what I will say? I’m fucking down with cuddling. Yeah, that’s right. I’m man enough to admit it. The angle for this blog should probably be some “No sex?!?! What?!?! I don’t cuddle because I’m a man!” nonsense. But to hell with that, I’ll cuddle the fuck out of you. If you’re hot and there’s something good on TV, I’ll cuddle your ass on the couch all night. I’ll cuddle you so hard you’ll be begging for more. I’ve got a nice soft belly like an extra pillow that warms your back up and everything. I’m a giant teddy bear. So I’m not against cuddling, but you need a better business plan. Namely, be more attractive and don’t have the cuddle sessions in a tiny, creepy room that looks like where a pedophile stores his victims.

By feitelberg posted November 20th, 2014 at 12:25 PM

Columbus Blue Jackets Defenseman and Michigan Man Jack Johnson Files For Bankruptcy After His Parents Stole All His Money

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NBC - Columbus Blue Jackets defenseman Jack Johnson is earning $5 million this season after making $10.5 million over the previous three years alone. That’s enough to afford a person a comfortable lifestyle, but bad loans taken out by his parents have cost him dearly, based on a report from the Columbus Dispatch. That led to Johnson filing for bankruptcy on Oct. 7. “I’d say I picked the wrong people who led me down the wrong path,” Johnson said. “I’ve got people in place who are going to fix everything now. It’s something I should have done a long time ago.” That was reportedly the case with Johnson, according to the Dispatch: Sources close to Johnson have told The Dispatch that his own parents — Jack Sr. and Tina Johnson — are among the “wrong people” who led him astray financially. In 2008, Johnson parted ways with agent Pat Brisson, who represents some of the National Hockey League’s biggest stars, including Sidney Crosby, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. With no agent and little knowledge of how the financial world works, Johnson turned over control of his money to his parents. Tina Johnson borrowed at least $15 million in her son’s name against his future earnings, sources told The Dispatch, taking out a series of high-interest loans — perhaps as many as 18 — from nonconventional lenders that resulted in a series of defaults.Johnson has cut off all contact with his family, a source said.

 

What the hell? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Like if you can’t trust your parents with your money who can you trust? Sure it’s a little strange to be a 27 year old and having Mommy and Daddy run your finances, but still this is nuts. I mean if I let my parents run my finances I’d literally have 9 billion internet dollars in an IRA. Like that’s all my parents ever talk about. They want me to put every nickel I make into an IRA so when I’m old and dead and too old to enjoy my money I’ll have a shit ton of it, but I digress. Of all the cases of pro athletes being morons for going broke this is the only one I’ve ever felt bad for. Getting ripped off by your parents. The worst Jerry the worst.

By elpresidente posted November 20th, 2014 at 11:57 AM
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