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This “Staying Ebola Free” Song Is Hot Hot Heat

 

 

 

What a jam! Feel like I’m sitting on a Caribbean Island right now with a Miami Vice in hand. Chilling in my hammock and relaxing, busy not worrying about Ebola because I haven’t eaten anyone’s diarrhea or bathed in any gross discharges recently. If you guys want to hang out on the mainland and keep freaking out about this stupid “outbreak” then you’re more than welcome to, but if you want to grab your common sense and come join me then be my guest. The water is great. We can turn this into a little Spring Break destination where the only stuff we’re worrying about contracting is herpes. Party time.

By feitelberg posted October 17th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

Miltons Pimp My Look

 

 

 

 

Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to pimpmylook@barstoolsports.com or pimpmydate@barstoolsports.com and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.

 

 

 

Today’s Contestant

 

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Reader Email

 

Dear Miltons,

 
This is my friend Mike Hatch. At any given moment you can find Mike strutting his chicken legs around Hobart and the UMass campus wearing cargo shorts or gym shorts that look like capris, white midcalfs turned into knee socks, grimy flip flops, and an old t shirt with holes in it. Eleven times out of ten he has a pube forest on his face and smells like the underside of my nuts. Yet, he is a great kid and girls love him. When it comes to women, Mike is a lustful lion. The only thing is, he is not competing at the level that he should be. The thing that will propel this young, effervescent gentleman to the fruition of his potential is a wardrobe change. Please Miltons, help my friend Mike become a better Mike.
 
Sincerely,
 
Sincerely
1 Stars2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (126 votes, average: 2.48 out of 10)
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By feitelberg posted October 17th, 2014 at 4:25 PM

I Could Watch Dejected Jets Fans React To Last Night’s Loss Forever

 

 

 

I feel bad for Jets fans but I just can’t stop watching these sad sacks. Literally nothing in the world can go right for them. Last night they became the first team in HISTORY to have over 40 minutes of possession, 200 yards of rushing, zero turnovers and still fucking lose. In HISTORY. I’m laughing just typing that. They played a perfect game, a game that has never put a team in the loss column as long as the NFL has been around, and that’s still where they landed. This is still the reaction the game produced. Sucks but they’re the Jets and we’re the Pats and this is the way the world works. I feel bad but I’m not about to change it.

 

 

 

h/t Deadspin

By feitelberg posted October 17th, 2014 at 3:50 PM

It’s Official: Biebs Sparring With Floyd Mayweather Proves He Has the Eye of the Tiger

 

 

 

AND THE  NEEEEEEWWWWWW  MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   JUSTIN “BOB AND WEAVE SELENA IS ADDICTED TO MY DICK” BIEBER!!!!!

By elpresidente posted October 17th, 2014 at 3:15 PM

War Machine Tried To Kill Himself In Jail Last Night Because He’s A Big Ol’ Pansy

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(Source)War Machine tried to kill himself in his Las Vegas jail cell this week … but his attempt was foiled by a corrections officer. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Tuesday night around 9:30 an officer was walking by War Machine’s cell in Clark County Jail. The officer saw him sitting on the ground with his feet up on the bunk bed. When the officer called to him he was unresponsive. The officer went into the cell and found the ex-MMA fighter had a piece of linen around his neck which was tied to the leg of the bed — and his face was purple. The officer cut the linen, removed it … and we’re told War Machine’s breathing became less strained and he attempted to speak. He’s currently in a medical isolation cell on suicide watch. We’re told officers found what appeared to be suicide notes in the cell. War Machine is in jail awaiting trial for the attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, and her friend Corey Thomas. War Machine’s attorney tells us one of the letters found in the cell was written to Christy.

 

 

 

“I do alpha male shit like attempt suicide but suck so bad at it I can’t even get that right!” Pusssayyyyyyy. Although I do admit I think it’s funny that we naturally call these guys who attempt to kill themselves in prison pussies or cowards. Say shit like “you did the crime now do the time!” FUCK that. If I was this dude I would’ve tried to kill myself weeks ago. What took him so long? If I’m looking at a million charges like attempted murder, kidnapping, attempted rape, etc then I’m killing myself. No questions asked, I’m gone. So I guess that’s my only issue with this move, that he wasn’t good enough to get the job done, much like his porn and MMA careers. Boom, roasted.

 

 

PS – What do you think his letter to Christy said? I mean every guy has fucked up and tried to talk himself back into a relationship. I won’t pretend I’m better than that. But there’s a big difference between trying to explain your way out of never being “present” or sending flowers and trying to explain your way out of trying to rape and murder her. Feel like that last one is a lot harder to convince her you’ll be better next time.

By feitelberg posted October 17th, 2014 at 2:36 PM

I Watched The Vermont Governors Race Last Night And It Was Amazing

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So yesterday I was driving home from the office and traffic on Mass Ave was outrageous. I’m talking 10 minutes or more in between each light, it was horrible. That is, until somebody randomly tweeted a link to the Vermont governor debate onto my timeline. Since I was bored and had nothing better to do (like focus on the road or some lame shit like that), I decided to check it out. Boy oh boy am I happy I did that. These are your candidates. Three boring dudes in ties, four lunatics, and a moderator who looks like a librarian pulled from 1984 who’s using what appears to be a rotary phone to field questions.

 

Anyway, here are your candidates. I apologize if I don’t get their exact platform correct, I only caught closing arguments and, as I mentioned, I was also driving so I wasn’t paying 100% attention. Only like 90%…

 

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Pete Diamondstone: I think Pete thought he was running for president. He was talking about issues WAY bigger than maple syrup, ski mountains, and last call time at the Pickle Barrel. Pete is against both socialism and Iran. There was a brief mention of ISIS and he also said “The revolution will not be televised.”

 

 

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Cris Ericson: HUGE fan of protest. Cris’ two main points were this: adults should be allowed to use headphones in the library. Apparently only children can use headphones in public libraries, adults cannot. She thinks this is preventing adults from obtaining an education that will help them get a job. She also wants people to protest the use of motor boats in Lake Champlain. And protest wildlife control in Lake Champlain. And protest a potential oil pipeline through Lake Champlain. Cris Ericson is a huge fan of headphones, Lake Champlain and goofy hats.

 

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Emily Peyton: Emily had a simple two point plan: 1, give homeless people houses and 2, privatize banking like her German friend told her the Germans do. I’m pretty sure America also has privatized banking but I’m not running for governor of Vermont so what do I know?

 

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Bernard Peters: I think Bernard just needs a job. Like I think he was applying for welfare and got shuffled from line to line and next thing he knew he was sitting on stage for a debate. He went on about how he’s poor so he knows what it’s like to go through hard times and that’s the kind of guy you need in charge. The whole thing was like one long “Why lie, I need a beer” homeless guy’s sign.

 

 

 

As for my vote? It goes to Pete Diamondstone. Dress for the job you want. Give me an ambitious guy in the governor’s mansion. A guy who has goals and dreams. You want to go fight Isis and Iran and shit? Good! When it comes to being in charge of a largely unimportant state, aim higher.

By feitelberg posted October 17th, 2014 at 1:56 PM

The Life of A Jets Fan

 

First things first.  Who says “oh he swatted him” on a blocked FG?  Weird.   Anyway this video is so simple yet so perfect.  Just encapsalates the life of a Jets fan.   Just pure depression..   Like this poor fool knew that kick had no chance of going in.  It was just whether it got blocked or was wide right or something.  He knew it in his bones.   I love that deep swallow he takes at the end too.   That’s the Jet life summed up in 10 seconds.

On the flip side here is what it’s like being a Pats fan.  Just arguing back and forth about not trusting Brady enough and then boom we win and everybody celebrates and moves onto the next week all happy and in a good mood.

 

By elpresidente posted October 17th, 2014 at 1:10 PM

Smokeshow City Is Back In Action For Race #2 Of His Career Today

Race #1

 

race6

 

“Hung wide from the marooned slot, but he tried till the end. Fit enough to drill several times since last effort; slight improvement and will be a handful”

Comment Line in DRF

 

So The People’s Horse Smokeshow City’s 2nd race of his life is today. He’s running at Golden Gate Fields again. 6:15 EST Post time. He’s been installed as the 5/2 morning line favorite. I love the comment in the DRF. “Slight improvement and will be a handful”. That’s like the exact metaphor for Barstool Sports. We have 2 Tech guys now. If we improve even a tiny bit watch out Internet. Same with Smoke. If he improves a tiny bit next stop Breeders Cup Classic.

As far as whether I’d bet him today, I probably wouldn’t if the odds stay the same. Typical horse racing theory is that the biggest improvement in a horses career is from start 1 to start 2. That’s why Smoke is the favorite. He tried hard in this debut and came up just short. But he was geared up to win. We thought he would win. So I just don’t know how much room for improvement there is. All I know is this. Smoke has a gigantic heart just like his human daddy. He’s gonna leave it all out on the track for us. Hopefully his best is good enough. I kind of want him to go to the lead and make horses look him in the eye and pass him. That’s when the Portnoy’s kick it up a couple notches. You back us in a corner and the claws come out.

By elpresidente posted October 17th, 2014 at 12:45 PM
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