Does This Look Like the Face of A Motherfucker Who Had A Heart Attack Saturday Night?
No joke. This motherfucker right here had a heart attack Saturday Night. All you assholes who always wish I was dead and act like you don’t depend on the Stool for your daily entertainment would have had to survive without me. I almost wish I died just to see the chaos unfold. It would have been like the Apocalypse around here. So what happened you ask? Well the First Lady and I went to the movies Sat night and after it was over she made me walk up like 4 flights of stairs because she didn’t want to wait for the escalator. Next thing I knew I felt like my heart was constricted. I couldn’t breathe right . I got wicked light headed, my toes and hands started tingling and I felt like I was going to puke. That will teach her to make me walk up steps. First Lady kept asking if I was having a heart attack and needed to go the hospital. All I knew is that if I didn’t roll down the window and let the torrential rain pour down on my face I would have passed out cold.
The First Lady hauled ass to South Shore hospital and that’s where I spent the rest of the night. 7 hours with tubes and gadgets all up in my shit and getting my blood taken every couple hours. Lowest moment of the night had to be when “Greg RN” walked in to give me Xrays and was like “Hey Pres how you doing buddy” Come on bro. Not now. I can’t be funny for you. Not at this moment when I’m wearing a hospital dress and just had a heart attack. Not my finest hour. I finally got released at 3am with the First Lady telling me every 5 minutes like clockwork that she was making life style changes for me. That she can’t have her 35 year old husband dying on her ass. So that’s how I spent my Saturday Night. How about you?
* The official diagnosis from the Hospital was that I pulled a muscle in my chest and it had nothing to do with my heart. I’m pretty sure it was a heart attack though. Another potential theory floating around is that my arteries were clogged from eating 8 of those Bertucci’s piping hot rolls before the movies and then 2 bags of popcorn at the movies.
Fuck..You were so close.
I’m laughing way harder at this than I should be. Whatever, Stoolie’s gonna Stool.
Not a heart attack? Crap. Let the stoolies down yet again.
Time to make the switch to light mozzarella on your pizza. Are you gonna have to get one of those motorized chairs that climb stairs until you get your cholesterol under control?
You can afford health insurance you sheister?!?!
Also, just stick with the heart attack story. Being hospitalized for 7 hours due to a pulled muscle might make you the biggest puss on the planet.
That is a looonnnngggg way to go for a Bertuccis plug. I don’t know whether to loathe you or respect the shit out of you. BTW, not doing much for ending the whiny Jewish stereotyope by getting admitted to the hospital with a pulled muscle.
Still shocked a woman in this world would actually marry you
lol.
So soft….it won’t be long before you’re riding around in a Lark scooter with a barstool seat. I’m betting Nurse Greg is the closest you’ve come to picking up a Stoolie.
Thinking that you should stop video blogging yourself doing the Spartan Race or Warrior Dash or some shit and just record yourself walking up 4 flights of stairs.
On a side note, you know that on the ride to the hospital that Renee had visions of insurance money and the keys to the Barstool Empire dancing in her head.
You most definitely had a panic attack.
My wife is an ER physician in an inner city and “patients” like you are the bain of her existence. Not to be rude, but you are a pu$$ie if you confuse a pulled muscle for a heart attack. At least you will probably pay for your visit, unlike the rest of the unwashed masses destroying our healthcare system by overloading the ERs with ridiculous abuse of the system like your case….clean it up prez, u are smarter than this!!!
Fucking South Shore hospital. Got it all wrong again. This is a cut and dry case of acute vaginosis.
bhahahah what a pussy you are, pulled muscle in your chest from walking up stairs. So incredibly weak.
Cant believe how close we all were from actually ridding you of this earth.
Were you in a Ethiopian Hospital? Place looks like shit.
This heart attack probably occured somewhere between realizing that nobodys buying blackout tickets and that you’re a big fat Jew sellout.
might be the funniest blog ever posted on here
How many shitty t-shirts are you going to have to sell to pay for this bill. You know the Stool does not offer health insurance.
Gotta start eating those Matzahs Jewey. Also lay off the pork.
Can’t you do anything right? Just another half-assed performance. Try and be a professional for once.
Sounds like all that Propecia you popping is well worth it!
Were you shocked to learn that you have an actual muscle in your chest to begin with and not just breast meat?
so did nurse greg blow you or use a strap on, thats all that is really interesting about this story
my first thought was “why couldn’t this have been neil?”….followed by “the first lady must be ashamed to be married to such a fuckin nancy-pants fairy”
Oh my god I’m dying. Honey take a photo!
assclown
“lifestyle changes” just made me cringe. That’s going to legitimize her nagging. She’s got you. Good luck man!!
I wonder if South Shore Hospital will take “Ball Don’t Lie” t-shirts as payment?
your scooter will be PAID IN FULL!
I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
die
and
party on
Also, how the fuck does someone pull a chest muscle walking up stairs? That’s like blowing out an ACL from jacking off.
do lifestyle changes include becoming christian?
you’re a retard prez. If you had a real heart attack, they arent releasing you in 7 hrs. moron? They shoulda been checking your markers every 6 for AT LEAST 12 hrs…more like 18. And to the guy whos wife is an ER nurse…thats a great position to take. Yeah hopefully now guys who think they may be having a heart attack will now just say “fuck it, its probably just a pulled muscle” Your a dumbass. A heart attack is not something to fuck around with unless you wanna wind up dead. If you think its possible, you go to the hospital, end of story. If your wife dont like it, tell her to get her ass outta the ER.
Lay off the pastrami, and brisket you silly kike
If your facial expressions while singing Hootie are any indication, what you suffered was a delayed onset stroke.
PS, prez…you almost certainly had something reflux related.
The official diagnosis from the Hospital was that I pulled a muscle in my chest
From what I’ve seen of your chest, I’d say this is unlikely.
You are an embarrassment to all the world’s soiled panty shields.
1) What movie was it? Vital inquiry.
2) Still don’t know the difference between an elevator and escalator, huh?
3) Who drives to the South Shore to go to the hospital? You go to the movies in Randolph or something? How embarrassing…
In that picture you look like a little queer from the make a wish foundation. Your wish; to fluff Gronk before his porn with bibi
Pres is playing chess right now. davey pageviews at his finest!
didnt know a pulled muscle made your hands tinkle and puke. Sounds like a heart attack to me
We’ve all seen you with your shirt off so that pulled muscle excuse is debunked. That being said, I have tachacardia, nothing fun about your heart beating at 200 BPM randomly.
i was at SS ER on Fri night visiting someone. wish i saw your fat ass rolled in on the stretcher eating a bagguete as you got wheeled around by Greg RN.
Didn’t the First Lady see the odds were 100-1 that you would have a heart attack walking up stairs. You need to show her how to bet. Wait, based off of your betting, maybe you sneaky did.
SS Hospital? I thought all hook-noses go to Beth Israel?
wait for the escalator? do you mean elevator? because you have to wait for those when they are on different floors, im pretty sure escalators just run continuously so there shouldnt be any waiting involved
Fix the iPhone site!
Hilarious. Absolute pure comedy for a Monday morning. You know you are a weak bag of dough when you spend 7 hours in the ER thinking you are having a heart attack and find out it’s a fucking pulled muscle! From walking up stairs!! BAHAHhaha! fucking gold.
Hilarious. Absolute pure comedy for a Monday morning. You know you are a weak bag of dough when you spend 7 hours in the ER thinking you are having a heart attack and find out it’s a fucking pulled muscle! From walking up stairs!! BAHAHhaha! fucking gold.
It looks like the face of the biggest non-hardo ever.
Car!
Christosterone – Not to be rude? what are you, new?
Wilburham – your apparent interests implicate faggotry. and what would you do with that information. answer only to yourself.
Pres – you’re fat. I smoke a pack a day and don’t have this issue. I’m also under 30. score.
Rene – Let the man eat his fried dough, he’s on his last cankles and I need a laugh at work.
Game on.
Keep up on the bag of bagels a night diet and you’ll be on your way to cardiac arrest.
well, at least you went out like Bodhi, doing what you loved best. vaya con dios brah
I just sent 10 orders of those piping hot rolls to Neil
Where will hoveround take you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM6pEg_Ps9o
Can I fuck Renee when u pull a Len Bias?
Can I fuck Renee when u pull a Len Bias?
Can I fuck Renee when u pull a Len Bias?
GEEZUZ PREZZY! Eat a salad next time!
Man Nurses bang more horny lonely nurses than you can shake a stick at. Somewhere at the hospital there is a supply closet where folks bang in daily.
you really are the Harry Knowles of smut bloggers
“That she can’t have her 35 year old husband dying on her ass.”
Hey asshole, you’re worth more to her dead than alive. She’ll sell the stool for $2M before you’re even in the casket. Why do you think she made you walk up the stairs. Idiot.
See what eating pork and mixing cheese with meat does? Live the way of the Jew, not the Gentile. Ani mekaveh she targish tov voter.
Hahaha A+ blog portnoy. As much as I hate you for hiring kneel, i’m glad you didn’t die.
Time to lay off the sea-men protein shakes dough boy
Part of me feels bad for you, but another part reminds me that you’re the asshole that hired Neil and hopes you get a stroke that paralyzes you mid prep school face.
Part of me feels bad for you, but another part reminds me that you’re the asshole that hired Neil and hopes you get a stroke that paralyzes you mid prep school face.
Makes Jacoby Ellsbury look like a Warrior.
The J.D. Drew of smut peddling.
Get well soon,Prez.
Nothing worse than sand in the vadge.
EL PRES , I AM SINCERELY GLAD YOU AINT DEAD, HEART PROBLEMS AT 35 ISNT SUCKS BALLS,STOP EATING PIZZA EVERYDAY BRO, CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS , I HAD A COUPLE OF PEOPLE I KNOW PASS FROM THIS, WONT BE FUNNY WHEN RENEE IS BANGING A STOOLIE AND SPENDING YOUR MONEY
PS I AM USIING CAPS BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE BOLD BUTTONS
GLAD YOURE OK, AS MUCH AS I THINK YOURE A FUCKING RETARD, I LIKE YOU BRO, KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT
PS YES THEY FINALLY APPROVED MY GOD DAMN NEW NAME BITCHES, AND FUCK THE REST OF YOU ASS CLOWNS ON THIS SITE
If it makes me an asshole to wish that you had died… well… say hello to Mr. Asshole.
I tried to draft you in my celebrity death pool, but everyone argued that you are most definitely not a celeb. But I’m sincerely happy you didn’t have a heart attack pres. Get healthy.
black dude of course you have family with heart problems, you are black after all
there’s no way el pres wrote this post because i couldn’t find a single typo
I just spit out my Bayer aspirin and I wasn’t even having a heart attack….
i’ve never seen a motherfucker more happy after having a heart attack
When he does die, (hopefully sooner than later) I get first dibs on taking Renee to the Greek festival.
@wilburham , i wish i could give 2 thumbs up bro, 100% right, we are the reason healthcare is so high, oh wait you white people are the ones who get every type of cancer, my bad
I kept waiting for the part where Nurse Greg inserted the catheter with a ball pein hammer, color me disappointed
Pres, you’ve been 35 for about 5 years now.
blackdude, i wasnt talking about healthcare jackass, its just a fact that all black people have horrible hearts.
The only typo is that he meant to say he was waiting for an “elevator”. who the fuck waits for an escalator? totally defeats the purpose.
Fuck… You mean we were just a heartbeat away from Neil taking over the enterprise!
You are probably the worst person to do blow with. That shnoze does it all and then you fake a heart attack because you sucked up the entire bag in a whiff.
Portnose’ that was gods way of saying Neil’s gotta go
I can definitely picture Pres rolling into the foam party on a rascal… Feitleberg wiping his ass when he shits.
@christosterone Bain is the company Romney turned around Bane is a person or thing that ruins or spoils….
Yo. Jenna’s videos have been viewed 732,325,988 times. Thats a quarter of a BILLION.
your wife must be so proud, you homo
Manzo strikes back
Manzo strikes back
Manzo strikes back
Rumor has it you pulled a muscle patting yourself on the back because you finally sold out Lupo’s for your shitty foam party.
You couldn’t wait for the escalator? You don’t have to wait for the escalator, dummy.
What movie did you see?
Time for Renee to take out a life insurance policy you fat fuck.
Greg RN saved your life, bro.
If Greg RN is really out there, could he please post what a whiny bitch El Pres surely was for that entire 7 hour stay? I’m betting he was leaning on his call button and begging for morphine all night
Attach the rock of shame!!
roids & molly’s keep it up dicksauce, do some blow while you fight off passing out off some roxy’s, you’ll be strong as an ox
Thanks for hanging on. I had you in the Death Pool, but not til after Thanksgiving.
Consider getting a bigger sports bra. Looks like you finally choked your tits to the point of cramp.
I almost wish I died just to see the chaos unfold.
your chest is like a punch bowl!!! i beleive you strained your TWAT!
Pulled chest muscle….
definitely a jerking off injury. So who were you tugging when it happened?
did you see molly hooknosemantits#?
Sounds like Costochondritis.
Gonna go vegan?
you cant even die right. what the fuck??
redfingerpaints
Funniest comments of all time. Literally everyone commenting on this post is 1000x funnier than Neil.
CEPT FOR YOU, REDICK
You live in Milton and you went to SSH?
6 months from now big cat will challenge you in a pizza /burrito eating competition. You must not accept that bet pres. Do not take the bet…