Roger Williams Gayball Wants To Ban Yoga Pants Because He Can See Chicks Vaginas And Asses And Shit And Is Afraid He May Catch The Straight
When you wear yoga pants, I can see your vagina
By BEN WHITMORE
There are many things I do not like about Roger Williams University. For starters, I don’t like that most RWU students appear to not place value on education. I don’t like that many professors reward under-researched, inarticulate, and thoughtless work with passing grades, rather than calling students on their bunk junk. I don’t like that some University administrators make policy decisions based on how perceived outcomes would make the University look rather than how the student population and the quality of their education will benefit. I don’t like that I am in the same senior class with a girl who asked a friend in the library the other day, “Wait, where is the Supreme Court? Like, is there more than one?” Yet, I understand that RWU’s flaws are not unique to the school; the world is full of people who have views and behaviors that I don’t personally agree with. I have made peace with the good, the bad, and the ugly at RWU, and I will be proudly walking across the stage in May and getting my diploma with the University’s name on it.
However, there is one school trend that I can no longer remain silent about, one article of clothing that most female students wear that makes me ashamed to be a fellow classmate of theirs. I hate yoga pants. I’ve heard that what I refer to as yoga pants, some consider to be “leggings.” I’ll eliminate confusion by offering a Jeff Foxworthy-esque definition: you might be wearing yoga pants if you are wearing form-fitting spandex tights and it is rainy out, or you need a self-esteem boost, or you are fulfilling exhibitionist desires, or you don’t know how else to express your sexuality, or if you are wearing attire that is so skin-tight and so form-fitting that I can see your vagina. There, I said it. Yes, ladies of RWU, when you wear yoga pants and your shirt stops at your waist, I can see your lady parts. Yoga pants do not count as real pants; they, unlike actual pants, reveal the intimate curvature of women’s bodies with unabashed honesty. Yoga pants are opaque nudity. Now, I refuse to be called a pervert for noticing that sex organ of yours that is separated from me by only a thin layer of spandex. I am not asking for you to show me; you are showing me and asking me not to look. There is a difference. And also, I understand that yoga pants are soooo frickin’ comfy and that because other women wear them, you get secret female style points for publicly demonstrating your ability to be a part of a trend. I respect your right to be comfortable and to earn these points. But I still don’t like them, and I don’t like how many women on this campus wear them.
I wonder, women, when you wear yoga pants, why you don’t just wear a shirt, or a sweater, or a vest, or a jacket, or some article of clothing that is long enough to reach below your waist. Why is the trend to wear spandex-based, highly form-fitting pants, and not to cover your privates? Don’t you remember that scene from Little Miss Sunshine? About a specific part of a camel’s foot? About the embarrassment? The awkwardness? That’s how I feel when I see you. And it is an embarrassment and awkwardness fraught with mixed emotions. There are an abundance of very attractive women on campus and, I must admit, I don’t think yoga pants are all bad. Yoga pants make butts look good, and I can’t truly blame you yoga-pant wearers for wanting to flaunt. Part of me is, at heart, a yoga pants fan. But the rest of me stubbornly objects. I can’t help but feel that women who wear yoga pants have a false modesty that says, “I want to show off my body, but I am too embarrassed to be overtly sexual, so I will just wear skin-tight, curve-revealing clothing to satisfy my exhibitionist desires in socially acceptable means.” There’s nothing wrong with personal empowerment, but there is something phony about the way women seem to do it by wearing yoga pants. I get the sense that women wear yoga pants to feel sexy without getting judged as a slut, yet I see something demeaning in women wearing yoga pants and parading around their half-silhouetted vaginas all day. I sincerely encourage you, ladies of RWU, to feel sexy and be comfortable in your own skin. But please realize this: when you are immodestly flaunting your body by wearing next-to-nothing clothes and thinking that you’re still keeping it classy, the joke is on you.
What is this fucking commit social suicide in the student newspaper week at Barstool? Let me do a run down of what Ben just covered in that article. 1) Not enough RWU students place enough value on school work. 2) Professors give out grades too easy for subpar work. 3) You hate hot girls who don’t know about the Supreme Court. 4) You despise yoga pants because they show off a girl’s ass and think they are sluts who should be embarrassed for themselves and have no class for wearing them. Well somebody tap the keg already because Ben is in the house and that means it’s fucking party time! Jesus bro talk about a fucking downer. How depressing is your life. Yeah I know you’ll probably tell me you have a 4.0 GPA and a job lined up at some fancy firm and guys like me will be working for you someday blah blah blah. Nope your life still sucks. If you can’t appreciate a girl in yoga pants and hate everyone at your school because they spend too much time having fun and not enough time on homework your life sucks. Plain and simple.
PS – I always wonder who are some of these people in the world. Who are the people who don’t like Barstool. Who are the people that don’t think funny things are funny. Who are the people that tweet at me legitimately fired up for saying Tim Tebow is better than Aaron Rodgers. And the answer is people like Ben Whitmore. Weirdos who write newspaper articles calling girls whores for wearing yoga pants. They just don’t get life. It’s kind of sad really.
Double PS – Ladies feel free to send me some awesome shots of your ass in yoga pants. Why? Because I love looking at asses in yoga pants.