I know I make Jenny Dell jokes all the time, but this pose is flat weird right?  Like what is going on with their hands?  Awk much?

It doesn’t get any easier than that.   I mean I’m writing celebratory blogs with a full quarter to go.  Doug Collins calling timeouts in the 3rd telling his team to keep their heads up because at least they’re still in the playoffs and lots of other people aren’t.   Hell of a pep talk Doug.  That’s when you know you’ve been destroyed mentally, physically and spiritually.    Hopefully we close this thing out in 5 and wait for the winner of Indiana vs. Miami.

This is 100% a must win for Philly.    If they lose this game the series is over.   We could lose and still probably win, but they can’t.     I expect this to be another nail biter but the refs don’t fuck us down the stretch and we end the series.   Yes I’ll take Celts +2 all day long….

Introducing Emily from URI.   I have zero clue how this girl wasn’t featured already.    So hot.   Good news is Barstool foam will be heading to Lupos in the fall so hopefully we’ll see her there.  Or anywhere for that matter.

Do you know any smokes as hot as Emily?  As a reminder all smokes get free tickets to anything we do.  Summer cruises, blackouts, foam etc.  Send girls to tips@barstoolsports.com

MSN – According to the poll by Austin Reed, the perfect man earns about $77K a year, drinks beer and drives an Audi. Women also want men to have stylish clothes, a good body and a clean-shaven face. In fact, in the survey of 2,000 women, they list those qualities as a “must.” The hipster beards just aren’t cutting it anymore.

Here’s a full list of qualities the perfect man apparently possesses:

1. 6 feet tall (Maybe my biggest weakness)

2. Toned and athletic (check)

3. Brown eyes (bullshit. Everybody knows Caribbean blue is the best and that’s what I got)

4. Short dark hair (surfer hair trumps short dark hair everyday of the week and twice on Sunday)

5. Smart dress sense (Would I have a Milton’s sponsorship if I didn’t? check)

6. Beer drinker (check)

7. Non-smoker (check)

8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper (Had to quit wearing vnecks because I have a hunchback neck.  Otherwise check)

9. Gets ready in 17 minutes (don’t even get this one)

10. Stylish ( Again Miltons Sponsorship Don’t Lie check)

11. Wants a family (families are for suckers)

12. Earns £48,000 ($77,000) a year (ashtray money bro)

13. Loves shopping (I like shopping for myself kind of)

14. Eats meat (like you read about. Check)

15. Clean shaven (sometimes)

16. Smooth chest (bullshit. Real men have chest hair)

17. Watches soaps (Does Revenge count?)

18. Enjoys watching football (check)

19. Drives an Audi (check)

20. Educated to degree level (check)

21. Earns more than his other half (Why do you think the First Lady can’t go anywhere? Check)

22. Jokes around and has a laugh (Rape jokes like you read about.  Check)

23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset  (check)

24. Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it (or when I want pussy. Check)

25. Admits it when he looks at other women (And proud of it. Check)

26. Has a driver’s license (All day everyday off camera every way. Check)

27. Can swim (Doggie Paddle for days check)

28. Can ride a bike (Can you say bike tricks?  Check)

29. Can change a tire (I pay AAA for a reason.  Check)

30. Calls mom regularly (Don’t have to. She calls me 10 times a day)

Nuts and bolts.  I’m the perfect man.  And I love animals.  Check mate.

(TSG) – Meet Roland Smith. The Virginia man, 32, was arrested Friday for allegedly stabbing his girlfriend after discovering her cheating on him at an Econo Lodge motel. The 36-year-old victim, who told cops Smith stabbed her in the abdomen, was transported to a hospital for treatment of her wounds, according to a press release issued today by the Spotsylvania County Sheriff’s Office. Arrested at the scene, Smith “had blood on his hands and a knife was recovered from his person,” cops reported. As seen in the above mug shot (click to enlarge), Smith appears to be something of a Latin enthusiast. His forehead includes the sayings “Cogito ergo sum” (“I think therefore I am”) and “Alis grave nil” (“Nothing is heavy to those who have wings”). And he also had the word “Articulate” inked below those phrases.

This story has been bopping around for a day or two but I don’t think anyone has done it so fuck it. What is Roland’s borads deal? Chicks are so fucking fickle.  All they talk about is how they want to date someone not just for their looks but for their smarts and personality. Roland Smith comes around with Latin phrases tattooed on his fucking forehead and where is she? Getting deep dicked by some other dude in a motel room. It’s a disgrace. I mean it literally does not get more scholarly than having “Alis grave nil” tattooed on your frontal lobe. Academics read it and translate it. Roland one ups them and inks it on his melon. But nope, not smart enough for his girl. Grass is always greener for her. You want to cheat on Roland Smith? Fine. Just don’t be surprised when he goes venni, vetti, vecci all over your face with a pocket knife.

Kit Kat

• Merry
• Fuck
• Kill

Butterfinger

• Merry
• Fuck
• Kill

Twix

• Merry
• Fuck
• Kill

Now before I get into this let me just say Reeses clearly has the biggest gripe being left out of this MFK.   Like I’m not going to sit here and say they couldn’t beat any of the aforementioned candy bars on a neutral court.  But the beauty of MFK is that you can only pick 3.   The committee had to leave somebody out.   It’s not fair, but that’s life.   Sure the 100 Grand crowd can make an argument that it belongs in this too, but it’s too inconsistent.   As far as Snickers goes its good, but not great.  Reeses is the only one who really has a complaint.   Anyway the vote here is surprisingly simple for me.   I’d marry Kit Kat.   Fuck Butterfingers and kill Twix.       I can maybe live with people switching Butterfingers and Twix but Kit Kat is the best candy bar made period.   You never get sick of them.  You can eat a million of them.   It’s is a 5 tool candy bar in every sense of the word.   Like it’s not a debate or my opinion.  It’s just fact.   It will get dark tonight.  Kit Kats are the best candy bar.   Both indisputable scientific facts.  Here is my overall candy bar power rankings.    I didn’t include Whatyamacallit because I don’t think they make those anymore.

Overall Candy Bar Power Rankings

1. Kit Kat

2. Butterfinger

3. Twix

4. Reeses

5. 100 grand (maybe the most talented, but inconsistent)

6. Clark Bar (most underrated candy bar in the game)

7. 5th Avenue (2nd most underrated candy bar in the game)

8. Snickers

9. Charleston Chew (out of business I think, but still on this list from reputation alone)

10. Hershey Bar (kind of old school.  I feel like hard asses eat straight hershey bars.  Like you’re trying to prove something)

11. Paydays (Honestly never had a Payday.  Don’t know the first thing about them.)

The I Have No Respect For You If You Eat These Candy Bars Group

12. Three Musketeers

13. Baby Ruth

14. Milky Way

15. Almond Joy

I got to be honest.  I’m a little confused about this video.   Supposedly this hit the internet like 3 months ago.   I’d never seen it till today.    There are lots of copies of it on youtube but none of them went viral.   It makes me think this is fake.   Hmm.   This is one of those rare instances where I’m at a loss.   What do the Stoolies think?

Vote 1 for Pres you got to be better than this and 10 for this is real life homeboy

It’s Boston Vs. Philly week here at the Stool.   Celts vs. Sixers.   Sox vs. Phils.   Pres Vs. Mo.    Mismatch city right?   Friday we continue with our unreal FanDuel fantasy free roll. Hey I’ll take the ball. Just another opportunity to show why I reign supreme. It’s a $5 entry fee and $1000 in prizes, but there are only 220 spots in the whole league so they’ll probably be filled up in about a second. Anyway if you beat Mo and I you get your $5 entry fee back.

And this is why I am who I am, because out of the good of my heart I could just mail in my team. Pick whoever and hope it sticks. But nope, I go to bat for our advertisers. I’ll make a flat out dominating team just so our boys at FanDuel don’t have to pay out to a single one of you mutts. Hey if you think you can beat me, good luck to you. But you got a better chance of seeing God.

SIGN UP THROUGH BARSTOOL HERE TO BE ELIGIBLE TO WIN YOUR ENTRY FEE BACK

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling briefed Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee and economic development officials Wednesday during a closed-door meeting that could determine the fate of his video game company. The Economic Development Corp. board voted to go into executive session to receive what it called highly confidential information on the finances of 38 Studios… Concerns about 38 Studios’ financial health arose when it failed to make a scheduled $1.1 million payment on May 1…

WPRI - EDC borrowed $75 million from private investors on behalf of 38 Studios… The interest rates on the bonds range from 6% to 7.75%. Because the EDC technically sold “moral obligation bonds,” the governor is required to ask the General Assembly to appropriate money to repay the bondholders if 38 Studios can’t pay up… So how much money could taxpayers be looking at spending? When you add together principal and interest payments, the total cost of paying off the 38 Studios bonds is projected to be $112.6 million through 2020.

I never thought Curt Schilling was a bad guy.  I know that put me in the minority, but I never had a problem with him.  Sure he was an arrogant know-it-all and the smartest man in the room.  But he was also opinionated and interesting and while he wasn’t William F. Buckley, he  was more or less articulate.  At least he never came across as canned, like those ballplayers who sound like every word out of their mouths was written by a sneaker company PR department.  I don’t know, maybe the fact that he had big performances in big games bought a lot of goodwill.  But it didn’t buy $112.6 million worth of goodwill, believe me.  Schilling now has to rank among the biggest hypocrites in the history of the world, right?  Isn’t the core belief of fiscal conservatives like Schilling that they’re against redistributing wealth?  Isn’t their basic tenet that they believe in free markets and are against taking tax money from workers and giving it to people who didn’t earn it?  But here he is, taking $75 million from the hard working saps of Rhode Island, welching on the bet such that it’ll end up costing them $112 million, all so that a generation of virgins can hack their parents off pretending to be warriors in some RPG instead of getting jobs or helping around the house.  It doesn’t sound very Reaganomic to me.

I’ll say this about Massachusetts.  We’re not the best run state.  God knows our government is as corrupt as any crime syndicate you can name.  But we’re also one of the few states where the politicians don’t get stars in their eyes about pro sports and hand out taxpayer money to billionaire owners and millionaire athletes.  If I was some overtaxed working stiff in Rhode Island, I’d be down at 38 Studios burning a bloody sock right now.  @JerryThornton1