It’s time once again for a feature that’s become as big an annual, year-end Barstool holiday tradition as Christmas blogs, the video countdown or slipping rufies into the intern’s eggnog. It’s time for the Sex Scandal Teacher’s Starting Lineup. Click here for the 2009 edition and here for 2010. It’s said that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. But what’s even more true is that if you teach a high school boy math, English or science, he’ll forget it as soon as finals are over. Bone him in the backseat of your car in the parking lot behind Kohl’s, and he’ll remember it for a lifetime. And this year’s Sex Scandal Teacher All Stars are living proof:
Batting Leadoff: Barbara Anderson, Kent, WA
At the top of my lineup, I want a tone-setter. You don’t have to be the prettiest or the most talented. But I want someone who’ll battle. Someone grind every step of the way. And no one in 2011 defined the term “tenacious” like Barbara Anderson. Or the term “unlimited data plan” for that matter. She not only sent her student boyfriend 800 texts one month, and 101 in a single day, she had sex with him right in the classroom. They’d still be doing it if the kid hadn’t told his uncle who then dimed Barbara out to the cops. Anyone willing to put up that kind of a fight against such a rotten, inconsiderate family can be at the top of my lineup anytime.
2-Hole: Brittni Colleps, Arlington, TX
Is Brittni the prettiest one on the list? No. But by the same token does Dustin Pedroia have the prettiest swing? At 5-8 does he pass the eye test? Not a chance. But there’s no one you’d rather have hitting 2nd for you because all he does is give you his best effort and produce. Same with Brittini Colleps. She’s a military wife with 3 kids who, while her husband was away on active duty, started sexting a kid and set up a rendezous at her house. After banging the kid, she invited him back for another session. Along with 4 of his friends. The 5 of them ran a train on her and videotaped it. Laser Show.
Hitting 3rd: Carrie Shafer, Jefferson County, KT
Of course, no team can just rely on heart alone. You need pure, raw, natural talent in the heart of your lineup, and that’s Carrie Shafer. Carrie can hold her head high even among the best looking Sex Scandal Teachers of all time. She was, as you can imagine, really popular among the students, and took part in a video report with a kid named Rodney Cox (I’m not making that up) talking about her new, innovative ways to teach high school anatomy. The video didn’t mention that she liked to teach it, half naked in her car with a 17 year old kid, a case of beer and used condoms. But that’s how she was found. Call it the most hands-on approach imaginable.
Cleanup: Stacey Shuler,Mason, OH
The cleanup spot is for pure power hitters and no one can swing the lumber like Stacey Shuler. Her Performance Enhancing Drugs of choice are Vodka Smoothies, weed and Zoloft. And her sexual conquests of choice are high school football players. Five of them in all. Usually two at a time. In testimony in court it was revealed she did one kid seven times, including as part of a 3-way with his friend. Stacey did them in the shower, in a bubble bath, in her bedroom, and on her kitchen counter. The buddy also admitted he went back with other guys. Shuler’s lawyers didn’t deny the kids’ testimony; they just chose to offer the Booze Made Her Do It defense. It didn’t work and she was convicted by a jury as a generation of horny kids with fake IDs wept.
Batting 5th: Heather Daughdrill, Westlake, LA
Here is where you keep up the pressure with more pure, natural talent in the form of Heather Daughdrill. Heather is not only an imposing physical specimen, she got the kind of guts that tells me she’ll rise to the occasion in the Big Moments. She was a teacher at a summer Bible school camp. Remember how Adrian Gonzalez said it was “God’s will” the Sox collapse in September? Well apparently it was God’s will Heather send filthy texts to a 13 year old student, check the kid out of camp without his parents’ permission, take him back to her place and then bang the New Testament out of the kids. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
6-Hole: Julie Ann Moore, Potter County, TX (note: was it formerly known as Bedford Falls?)
Granted her looks are OK, not great. I wish she looked like Julianne Moore than Julie Ann Moore. Still she’s alright. But what puts her here in the key role of protecting the heart of the order is that I love her game. This chick is a smart, heady player who won’t back down when it counts. The married 3rd grade teacher was with a 15 year old at a high school football game. At halftime she told the kid she had something in her car to show him. When they got there, she asked the lad to look inside the center console where she’d put a box of condoms. Classic. The old “Surprise Box of Rubbers in the Console” gag. The Sex Scandal Teachers equivalent of the hidden ball trick. Anyway, they sped out of the parking lot, went behind some apartments for some backseat sex and were back for the kickoff of the 2nd half.
7th Spot: Ashley Blumenshine, Plainfield, IL
Ashley is kind of a sentimental pick here because she hit the news on January 5th of 2011. Boom, right off the bat she set the tone for a great Sex Scandal Teacher year when she had car sex with the aforementioned 16 year old in the aforementioned parking lot behind the aforementioned Kohl’s. Police caught them with “physical evidence of sexual contact,” which I take is cop talk for “used rubbers.” Anyway she got the year off to a terrific start, the equivalent of Dwight Evans homering on the first pitch of the season back in ’86.
No. 8: Collette Phelps, San Jose, CA
This is a sentimental pick. News reports on Collette were a little scant on details. All we knew is she was accused of doing something “Lewd & Lascivious” with a 14 year old and that her lawyer argued she has “significant personal and medical challenges.” But then I heard from a loyal Stoolie calling himself Lefty Nelson who said he had first hand experience with Ms. Phelps. It seems her “challenges” include picking my man Lefty up in a bar for a one-nighter, a nice body, “great rack,” “all the ferocity & looks of fucking Deena from the Jersey Shore,” a Tinkerbell tramp stamp tattoo, lousy BJs and the willingness to flip a guy over like she’s going to give him a back rub, then toss his salad instead. Then in the morning she got dressed and had to run out on him because she had a court date. Most Stoolies just read this stuff. A few step up and help find these stories. One man actually lived it. Thanks, Lefty.
9th Hitter: Gabrielle Marvelli, Allentown, PA
I’m of the school that says 9 isn’t where you put your weakest link. Your No. 9 is your leadoff hitter every time you go through your lineup. You want someone who’s going to set the table for the top of the order and not clog up the bases. And that is Gabrielle to a T. This 39 year old married mother of one gave one of her students the greatest prom day in the history of prom days when she showed up at his room at the EconoLodge at 3:20 AM the morning of and boinked him. The kid was only a week shy of turning 18, after which it wouldn’t have been illegal. But so horny was this depraved MILF that she couldn’t wait. Mrs. Marvelli’s lawyer argued that the kid was “a ladies man” and his mom called a talk radio show to discuss the whole thing live on the air. That is so much better than my prom story of going with a platonic female friend, getting a goodbye handshake and going home to bed I’m ashamed to be the same gender as this kid, whomever he is.
Starting Pitcher: Tara Driscoll, Queens, NY
Go big or go home. That’s Tara Driscoll. She didn’t just have a roll in the back seat with some kid. She took him to a sleazy motel on Long Island, gave her 16 year old honey the full treatment and videotaped the whole thing. When confronted by the kids mom she fessed to the whole thing and the cops have the video to back it up. That’s the sort of balls-of-a-brass-monkey attitude you want taking the ball from you in a big game. And God knows she looks like she’s in a lot better shape than Josh Beckett.
Manager: Tera Myers, Parkway, MO
Strictly speaking, Tera isn’t a Sex Scandal Teacher at all. I mean, she never actually did a student as far as we know. I’m making her manager on the theory that sometimes the guy who never actually played the game is the best teacher. There’s no scandal at all with her. Unless you consider that it was discovered she made a whole slew of porn movies under the name Nikki Andersin, including Ass Whores 12, Climax Shots 86 – Three To Tango, Double Your Pleasure Double Your Fun, Eruptions – Double Dippin, In Thru The Out Door 7, In Thru The Out Door 8, Party House 5, Sex Freaks 10, Tight Ass, Wet Cum Shots 6, Exit Only 6, Wet Cum Shots 7, Rug Munchers, Major Slut and Butt Brats 7. Apparently someone stumbled onto the fact this year and she got fired for it, even though she had once been on Dr. Phil talking about it. I guess the lesson here is that if you want to stay under a school administrations radar, go on national TV. But if you make a series of anal hardcore movies, they’ll find you every time.
Bench coach: Heidi Kaeslin, Stockton, CA
Again, she doesn’t qualify to play since she didn’t actually sleep with a student. But she and her husband did start a website called MySluttyTeacher.com which asks ”Have you ever seen your teacher’s breasts before? Well now you can see them.” The answers are “no” and “yes, please.”
Biggest Disappointment: Kimberly Kallenberg, Powell, TN
I’ve never wanted a story to work out as much as this one. Ms. Kallenberg was the Asst. Principal of Patriots 5th round TE pick Lee Smith out of Marshall. She was investigated for supposedly doing it with Smith. She denied it. He gave a sworn statement nothing happened. The charges were dropped. More importantly, Smith was dropped by the Pats and never made it out of camp. A non-story that could’ve been one of the greats.
Toughest Omission: Nadia Christine Diaz,
It’s the classic love story. Horny, attractive teacher meets boy. Boy gives teacher his number. Teacher sends boy filthy texts. Boy and teacher meet as boys friends’ house when no one is home and have sex. Teacher gets caught and tells police she hope God forgives her. In some years, it would rate. But this year, sorry, Nadia. The roster is just too deep.
Bonus Feature: Q & A with one of this year’s Graded Sex Scandal Teacher!
This year, when NY congressman Anthony Weiner was caught sending pictures of his… weiner… around to various women who weren’t named Mrs. Congressman Weiner, one of the women turned out to be a teacher, Traci Nobles. I did a grade for Traci which flattered her to the point she got in touch with me to thank me. And she was nice enough to share her thoughts:
JT: So how did a nice teacher like you end up in a major national political sex scandal?
TN: I was a fan of his Facebook page. He eventually sent me a friend request, I happily accepted
JT: So did you ask him for a picture of his junk or did he just surprise you with it?
TN: Well, after a couple of weeks of “courting”, skyping, etc, which involved daily nudies of myself, some at his request, some just a gift from me… I began to feel left out, as I’d not yet seen his nudies or the prized possession, his Weiner. So…ask and ye shall receive.
JT: And how was it? I mean, as congressman’s penises go…
TN: I was most definitely impressed! he obviously paid attention to its “upkeep”. I had a feeling it would be of nice proportion, as it seems that skinny guys (in my experience) are of sizable proportion.
JT: My experience is that averaged-sized, rapidly-aging Irishmen tend to be hung like sperm whales, but I digress.
TN: Haha! that’s funny! i’ve never experienced an Irishman…on my “to do” list now.
JT: Seriously, we’re amazing. Once you Go Bragh, you never go back. So how did the world find out about you & the Weiner?
TN: I guess reporters were in a frenzy looking for anything else on Weiner’s Twitter and FB. I got an email from a reporter who had pretty much read all of my naughty posts and also saw that I was on Weiner’s friend’s list. So, i guess ya could say I was outed by a reporter who thought my comments about balls, Weiner giving naked speeches, and me wanting to sit on his lap were all a bit conspicuous. She started asking questions, then other reporters followed. NYPOST even hired photogs to look for me in Georgia country. They showed up at my dad’s then my mom’s. Big mistake, lol!
JT: I assume you were ecstatic about being on Barstool? I mean, seeing yourself on The Stool is the highest honor a woman can achieve…
TN: Absolutely! But seriously, it was refreshing to see a different take on the whole situation! I’m a total fan of sarcasm and any judgement that is in my favor…obviously
JT: We’re all about fighting for a woman’s right to be as horny as she wants
TN: Haha, and that’s why I love ya! Most of the judgement comes from women who really wanna be freaky but are afraid to, or are prudish & bitter and have a terrified husband standing behind them who is secretly dying to read up on the latest Barstool news..
JT: Well let’s just agree you love me for my body first, and my support for horny women teachers is second.
TN: YES, in that order!
JT: On that topic, here’s something I’ve been wanting to ask a teacher for years now but never had the chance: What the fuck is the deal with all your teacher colleagues banging their students?
TN: I taught for over 5 years, and 1 of those, I taught Health to 9th-12th grade girls and boys. Never could have imagined wanting to bang one of those kids? I’m assuming these teachers are really missing something in their home life, possibly or it’s truly a turn on for them. The safer thing for a lonely teacher is to sext it up with a congressman who is also looking for the same!
JT: You got fired over Weinergate, right? What’s next for you? Can you go back to teaching?
TN: I’m not sure if I’ll ever be hired to teach again, nothing that a last name change won’t fix. Bc in all honesty, def one of the things that I’m really good at, and I don’t think anyone whose ever known me would dispute that well…publicly anyway! lol
JT: Well I guess there’s always the chance you’ll find Congressman Right and settle down. Has the notoriety been a good thing for you?
TN: it has def opened up a few doors, I won’t lie (Ain’t America Grand!)
Yes it is, Traci. Yes it is indeed. Thanks to her and to all the horny educators who’s insane need to seduce their students have provided the content for these stories over the past year. And thanks too to everyone who sent me the links this year, and you have been many. Finally, a reminder to all the ones who haven’t stepped up to the plate yet: 2012 is just days away. Time to get busy, in every sense of the word.