10. Mike Piazza (Alicia Rickter)
Know how I know your girlfriend is a fraud? You have a goatee, highlights and used to bang NY weatherman Sam Champion on the reg. Allegedly.
9. John Travolta (Kelly Preston)
Travolta has been accused of more gay acts than a gay pornstar. Hard to pretend that there’s a real love shared in your marital bed when every masseuse and pilot in the Western Hemisphere says you tried to suck their dick.
8. Michael Jackson (Lisa Marie Presley)
When you like diddling kids it’s good to have a stalwart fake cover. Whether you’re a priest with a fake God or a singer with a fake wife, it’s nice to have something to point to and say “there’s no way I touched that kid! I love this made-up thing and that would be against their made-up rules!”
7. Tom Cruise (Katie Holmes)
If church of Scientology is holding auditions and signing contracts for your wife chances are she’s not real. He wasn’t doing it to bolster a Heisman campaign, but their love was as made up as Xenu.
6. BigCat (Some made up girl)
BC talks about his girlfriend literally nonstop. Pretty much every sentence starts with “So, my girlfriend…” or “I was with my girlfriend and her family the other day…” yet no one has ever seen her. Dude even “hung out” with her on Saturday after the Barstool Christmas party. Did anyone else get an invite? Obly not. Because she isn’t real. And what’s the best way to cover up a fake girlfriend? It’s not to kill her in a leukemia riddled car crash. It’s to get a bunch of other fake internet girlfriends so she gets lost in the shuffle.
5. Ryan Seacrest (Julianne Hough)
Solid rule of thumb is that if a guy is 5 foot nothing and still spikes his hair up like he’s getting ready for a middle school dance then he’s probably not a fan of the female anatomy. Add to that an certain affection for singing competitions and reality television and you realize we’ve got quite a beard in Julian Hough.
4. Kris Humphries (Kim Kardashian)
Just like Manti no one knows for sure whether Humphries was in on the lie or not. All we do know is that both their girlfriends don’t shit about them. One because she never had a soul, the other because she died of leukemia a few months ago.
3. A Rod (any chick who never misses a bicep day)
A Rod hasn’t had one fake girlfriend, the dude has had like a million. Each one more ripped and gross in their own special way. One more curl and these broads will be front runners for Mr. Olympia. I’ve hung out with less masculine chicks at a drag show.
2. Manti Te’o (Lennay Kakua)
Are you a Heisman finalist who dated a girl that miraculously recovered from a near fatal car crash, got leukemia, recovered from leukemia then died of leukemia all before revealing that she was never really real in the first place? Then you’re probably going to find yourself on the best fake girlfriends of all time list.
1. Jeff Garcia (Carmella DeCesare)
Huge upset here. But I’d be less surprised if I heard that Lennay Kakua is real then to find out that Carmella DeCesare is actually married to Jeff Garcia. That’s how absurd this is. “Oh yeah I totally have a girlfriend. She’s a Playboy model.” Sure thing bud. You’re the gayest quarterback to ever play the game. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you like TO’s dick way more than you like this girl who you never met’s ass.