There have been times when I honestly felt like this little running bit I invented, chronicling the madcap adventures of America’s insane, lust-filled, irrationally horny female teachers, would run its course. That eventually these women would look at all the rest of their fellow educators throwing their careers away and think “Gee, I’d hate to be in their shoes. Maybe I ought not give that kid in my class my phone number or send him naked pictures of me or seduce him after school because it would be wrong. And I could lose everything I’ve worked for.” But that kind of thinking is so 2010. By my unoffical count I did four dozen of these blogs this year and believe me, I could’ve done a lot more but my standards have gotten too high. Only the good ones, the really good looking or otherwise entertaining ones make it. And only the elite… the truly Best of the Best, get the honor of making it onto the year end Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup. A tradition unlike any other.
So without further ado, this year’s list:
Batting Leadoff: Melissa Ann Dalton
Those of you who are familiar with the year end Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup know that more than the one quality I like in a leadoff hitter more than any other is tenacity. Talent is everything in the middle of the lineup. But at the top I want a tone-setter. Someone who worked hard and grinded out every sexual encounter of the season. And that describes Melissa Dalton to a tee. Her story was the hardest to edit down I’ve ever had. She had sex with two different students. Gave one a blow jibber in the classroom while another watched. Snuck her dog into the car at 1AM, told her husband the pooch was missing just so she could drive to the kid’s house where police later found her underpants. She’s not the best looking one of the bunch. But all heart and a true table setter.
2- HOLE – Kacie Christine Wilson
As with Mrs. Dalton, I’m not saying Kacie Wilson is the most naturally gifted Sex Teacher on the club. But there are no holes in her game whatsoever. Ms. Wilson, from the great Sex Scandal Teacher State of Florida, went after a kid the way they do things in America’s Wang: By texting him topless photos. Then she called one of the kid’s other teachers asking to take him out of class. She then took him back to her classroom, lead him into a closet and banged him. The lad told the cops he’d lost his V-card to to her in that closet and was deeply ashamed. But that’s the kind of SST Kacie Wilson is. Like Roy Hobbs, whatever she wants to hit she hits.
BATTING 3rd – Anna Michelle Walters (Click here but the link is totally NSFW)
What can I say about Anna Michelle Walters other than she’s the reason I invented the Sex Scandal Teacher game? Hot blonde. Body build for sin. Utterly fearless. And completely devoid of common sense. She was the Virginia substitute who sent unbelievable high quality nudes to the kid she seduced, only to see him return the favor by drunkenly Tweeting them out to the whole world. The absolute dickiest move in the history of dick moves, but one we all benefit from. And one that secured AMW’s place among the all time greats of the game. Whenever I do get around to building that Hall of Fame, she’ll be right there among the Lafaves and Letourneaus, I assure you.
I could quibble with the fact that Stacie Halas isn’t accused of doing anything with students and therefore doesn’t belong in this lineup, but I won’t. Technically all she did was make a series of very legal but very, very explicit porn videos under the name Tiffany Six while she was a middle school science teacher. Videos that were, not surprising found by her students and cost her her job. So pardon me if that’s not scandaly enough for you but there’s no way I can keep her out of the heart of my order. She’s the Manny Ramirez of this lineup: So much talent on display here that you’ll overlook anything to get her in your clean up spot.
5-HOLE – Sarah Jones
You know it’s been a great Sex Scandal Teacher year when the most famous of them all doesn’t even crack the top of your batting order. Former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah has made national news with her proclivity for boinking her students I don’t even where to start. She was accused, she denied it, she sued, she dropped the suit, plead guilty in court, held hands with her >ahem< “victim” and walked out of court with her head held high. The power move of power moves. And it was fun watching the old media scrambling to keep up the Stool covering Sarah’s story like the amateurs they are. Nice try, rookies but leave the SSTs to the pro.
6-SPOT – Lina Sinha
The heart of the order celebrates diversity with Lina, “The Slutdog Millionaire” who was the principal at a Manhattan Montessori school. When she wasn’t overseeing the best free-form, constructivist education $25,000/year can buy, she was having at it with one of her 13 year old students on top of school furniture as well as on field trips. The boy was fine with the arrangement until he decided to move on and Lina went all Stage 5 Clinger on him. He’s now an NYPD patrolman who testified in the trial where she was convicted of “depraved predation.” She not only brings power to the lineup, she puts the Sin in Sinha.
HITTING 7th – Kathryn Murray
That other great SST state, Texas, refused to let Florida take a comfortable lead in the power rankings this year, thanks in great part to Kathryn. She was one of several Spanish teachers we’ve had who take the term “Romance Language” literally. She was caught conjugating verbs with a 15 year old student. In his bed. With his parents out of the house. By his 12 year old brother, who walked in to find them in bed together and a bra and used Trojan on the floor. So Senorita Murray said “Hola” to the kid, and on her way out the door said “Adios.” All the Rosetta Stone kits money can buy won’t help you learn a language the way a teacher coming to your house and banging your siblings in front of you will.
8-HOLE – Gabriela Cortez
The multiculturalism continues. Gabriela was another Spanish teacher who taught a couple of different kids what the concept of “foreign tongue” is all about. Something about her look just speaks to me. Like this is what Santana from “Glee” will look like in her MILF years. I know the 8th spot is supposed to be the weakest part of your lineup, but on an All Star team like this, your No. 8 is more like your second clean up hitter. And I like Cortez’ production. I’m also partial to her because she was signed by my chief scout, my brother Bill in Alaska, who continues to make our ancestors proud.
BATTING 9th – Heather Lasseigne Chiasson
In a year this stocked with talent I can’t afford to have one wasted spot in the lineup. Thankfully I don’t have to, with the likes of Heather on the roster. Once you’ve batted around, No. 9 is your second leadoff hitter and she’s got all the qualities I’m looking for. She combines that wholesome Pam Beasley-Halpert good looks with the terrible judgment to send graphic sext messages to the kid she was sleeping with. She no doubt considered them “flirting,” but the detectives the kid handed them over to call them “incriminating evidence.” Louisiana has suffered through natural disasters, economic ruin and the Sean Payton suspension. But as long as they’ve got sex crazed Cajun teachers like her, they’ll make it.
FIRST OFF THE BENCH – Jennifer McCullum
Jennifer is cute, married, has kids of her own and swore an oath before God and Mississippi that she did in fact have sex with a 17 year old student. But this year is just too solid for her to crack the lineup. This is what Larry Lucchino means when he talks about “deep depth.”
PLATOON - Erin Sayar and Marisa Anton
It might not be fair to either of these great two solid performers that I lump them in together. But their stories both came out in the same area on the same glorious day last summer and they will forever be linked in my heart. Erin taught at NYC’s infamous “Horndog High,” the Ground Zero of Sex Scandals, and exchanged Facebook messages with an 11th grader as well as over 3,800 texts in the span of 2 ½ weeks. She wouldn’t have gotten caught either if the kid’s girlfriend didn’t smell a rat, hack into his account and find the damning proof. Marissa was the librarian at a school in New Rochelle who tried to set up a rendezvouse with a kid but got the Dateline: NBC treatment and was arrested before she got to close the deal. Sad for both of them, but we’ll always have last May 31st.
MANAGER – Julie Warning
Warning has not only the best name any pedophile has had since Chester the Molester comics, she made the front page of the NY Post making out with a student on a park bench. Apparently the guy (he was 18, I can’t call him a “kid”) made a bet with his classmates he could bed the teacher and won it in spectacular fashion. She’s the one I want as the face of my franchise. She was also busted on May 31st, which I will declare to be Sex Scandal Teacher Appreciation Day when I’m ruler of these lands in a few years.
BENCH COACH – Kelly McKenzy Watson
2012 was a great year for Special Ed teachers and KMW was the best of the lot. I want her insane voice of unwisdom counseling my manager in the dugout.
TOUGHEST OMISSION – Erica DePalo
This former Teacher of the Year is everything I like in a prospect: Cute, accomplished and best of all, depraved. The problem is her story was just too scant on details. All we know is she was accused and arrested for allegedly boinking a teenaged student. Sorry, that’s not going to get you off the bench.
2ND TOUGHEST OMISSION – Rhonda Eisenberg
Ms. Eisenberg is the epitome of the kid who wants it more than anyone else but just lacks the physical tools necessary. She’s yet another Spanish teacher who, oddly enough, was teaching Spanish to a Mexican kid in Southern Cal and had his baby. That’s the kind of commitment I love, but it’s not good enough. Unfortunately for Rhonda you can’t teach looks. Rudy, I wish I could put your heart into some of these other teachers bodies.
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT – Janet Brown
Janet Brown is a total wheelhouse girl for me. The brunette MILFy hair. The crazy, smoldering eyes. And I love that she was teaching at a DYS juvenile detention facility where she used to do a kid right on the grounds. But that’s all I got. There’s nothing more to her story. As C’s dad keeps telling him in “A Bronx Tale,” the saddest thing is life is wasted talent.
And there you have it. Another great year of hot, insane female teacher/ student fornication is in the history books. I think we’re all sad to see it go but we’ll remember it fondly and we have every reason to hope for more great things in 2013. The day may yet come when these women wise up. When sound judgment outweighs their incredible lust. When they start forsaking the desire to drag a kid into the classroom closet to bone him in favor of their careers. When they decide it is better to have a good job than to climb on top of a 16 year old in the back seat of an SUV. When they stop throwing away their lives, marriages, salaries and pensions just for 20 seconds of clumsy, ungratifying sex. But it is not this day. On this day, Teacher Sex Scandals carry on! Ladies, get out there and make it happen!