I don’t watch much regular season hockey but I flipped on the Bruins game last night for a couple minutes and couldn’t help but notice there were like 28 people in the crowd total.  And that may be exageratting.  Seriously it felt like I was watching a god damn BC bowl game or something.   Did the NHL fold and nobody told me?    Because this was as depressing as it gets.

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Vs.

LATimes - Marv Albert, the veteran NBA announcer for TNT, was in town for the Lakers-Chicago Bulls game Thursday night. On Wednesday, Albert was a guest on the “Jimmy Kimmel Live” show. The musical star was rapper 50 Cent. As Albert arrived, with an entourage of one, TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy, there was a sudden scuffle when a multitude of 50 Cent protectors seemed unfamiliar with Albert. There was shouting (”It’s Marv Albert,” yelled a Kimmel show guard, a pronouncement that seemed to have no effect on the 50 Cent phalanx.) There were obscenities. A fist or two flying. A “Don’t you put your hands on me” pronouncement. And finally Albert made it to his waiting room, relatively unruffled but slightly puzzled. “Did you see that?” Albert said. “I thought they were kidding, but then I realized they weren’t.”

This may be the funniest story of the week. I just can’t get that image of  the Jimmy Kimmel guard screaming “He’s Marv Albert! He’s Marv Albert” as 50 cent’s people tried to rough him up out of my head. And the crazy thing is I’m not sure who I’d take in a fight here. Like sure 50 has the guns, the entourage and acts all tough and shit. But on the flip slide Marv dresses in lingrie and does some freaky mothefucking shit behind closed doors. I’ll fight the crazy I know over the crazy I don’t know any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

If you think I’m going to sit here and trash this citizen superhero you’re nuts. Because in many respects I’m not too dissimilar from him. We both provide an invaluable service to the community that people couldn’t live without. Serioulsy think about it for a second. Where would Boston be without me? No smokeshows, no profanity, no guess that ass and chicks thinking they have equal rights to men. In other words it would be complete and utter chaos. Hmm the more I think about it, maybe I should start wearing a mask or at the very least a cape when I blog? I got to put one of my imaginary interns on creating my costume ASAP. Wherever there is a chick with a hot ass El Presidente will be there! Wherever there is an idiotic tatttoo El Presidente will be there! Whenever there is an Adam Lambert concert El Presidente will be there!

Australia – A FORMER Ballarat teacher who had sexual liaisons with two high school students sent more than 1300 text messages to the boys, including naked photos of herself, a court heard yesterday. Michelle Lynn Dennis, 33, is facing jail over the child sex offences committed in 2007 against two students, aged 14 and 17, outside the school’s grounds. She pleaded guilty. The County Court in Ballarat was told during a plea hearing that Dennis was teaching at Ballarat High School when she started sending sexual text messages to one of the boys in 2005. By the time of her arrest in October 2008, she had sent more than 1000 messages, some containing naked photographs of herself, to the boy, and more than 300 to the other boy. A friend of one of the victims also received a text message from Dennis suggesting a threesome. The court was told the music teacher had sex with one of the boys twice, and she had oral sex with the other boy. Crown prosecutor Brendan Kissane said Dennis collected one of the victims from near his home one night and drove him to a park where they had sex. Afterwards, she sent texts telling him how good it was. He said that at another time, Dennis offered to drive him home but instead took him to her house for sex. The court was told Dennis drove the other boy to her house to watch television and she gave him alcohol before engaging in oral sex. Both boys told their friends about the sexual liaisons. One boy said in his victim impact statement that the incidents caused him to perform badly at exam time. He said he felt dirty, embarrassed and ashamed.

Boy, you know what, this whole Sex Scandal Teacher pandemic doesn’t quite seem so amusing when you hear what it does to these kids.  I mean, you hear a victim impact statement like that and it pulls at your heart strings.  It’s all fun and games until someone’s test scores start suffering.  Imagine being a 14 year old kid, dealing with the trauma of having an attractive 33 year old sending you naked pictures, giving you head on her couch, suggesting 3-ways, banging you in her car then texting you later to say how good your were.  It’s no wonder the dirtiness, embarrassment and shame hurt him in those exams.  And the massive, raging boner, ear to ear grin and hero worship from all your classmates aren’t going to help you focus either.

The Grades:
Looks: A poor man’s Lauren Graham.  Grade: A.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: Where do you begin?  Usually I’ve got to edit these stories down to just the most salacious facts.  But which part of this belongs on the editing room floor?  It’s got everything.  Nude photos, sex, group sex, oral, a MILF.  It’s like the Redtube “Categories” page come to life.  She even has a pornish name.  Grade: A.
Intangibles: There’s one word that comes to mind when I hear about Michelle Lynn Dennis: “dedication.”  You know what 1300 texts cost?  Even unlimited text plans have a limit eventually. You have got to really want to spread teenage horniness to put your money, and your reputation, on the line like that.  But we’ve come to expect nothing less from music teachers with the middle name “Lynn.” And extra credit for being from Down Under.  Grade: A.
Overall: Definitely pushing for a spot on our year end all star lineup.  This caliber of utter recklessness cannot go unrewarded.  Bravo, maestro.  Grade: A.

(Thanks to Chris P.)

Have information about a hot female teacher having sex with her students?  Preferably with pictures? Help your fellow man by sending it to jerry@barstoolsports.com.

This had a little bit of everything huh? This was my thought process watching this;

“Yeah keep bashing Shawne Merriman. Keep telling me how he drugs little girls and then fucks them. Keep telling me how he hates black girls. Keep bashing him. Hey wait…yeah get naked.   Get naked.  Spread your ass cheeks.  I like that. Keep sticking your ass in the camera. Forget Shawne Merriman.   He’s an asshole.   Keep dancing.   Hahaahah.  Did you just fall of the chair.?  What a cuntbag you are!   Nice job cuntbag.    Wait get naked again!”

Dude what's with the Mexicans? Here's Sugey Abrego and she's some weathergirl/host of what appears to be the Today Show in Mexico. Every five seconds they just start dancing. They got Sugey in a tight ass dress (normally with her tits hanging out) and they just keep having her shake that ass. That's no way to run a news program. You need a crusty old fart like Lou Dobbs or a frigid uptight bitch like Katie Couric to man the ship. Imagine if they just started shaking their ass in the middle of an interview...It would be chaos. Then again, maybe everything is wonderful in Mexico and there's no real news to report. But who the fuck would know because this whole show is in Spanish. The only Spanish UB ever got out of High School was how to ask to go to the bathroom or tell people I was riding on an autobus. 

ANNOUNCEMENT: It’s almost time for the 2009 Barstool Sports Advent Calendar, which will be running every day in December up to Christmas. So UB needs the help from the Stoolies. Send the best shots you go (celebs, your girlfriends, whatever) of chicks dressed up for Christmas to Ub@barstoolsports.com. The highest rated picture of the month wins a Barstool shirt of their choice. So get those pictures over to UB, cause only the top 25 will make the cut!!!

More on the NYC Stool…

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com

(133 votes, average: 8.37 out of 10)

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Introducing Janet from Tyngsboro.   If the Stoolies know one thing about me it should be that I love Asians.  So I’m not exageratting when I say this may be my favorite Smokeshow of all time.    Just devasting.  This is why we lift all them weights.    Great way to end the Smokeshow week.   Actually no, perfect way to end the smokeshow week.

Let’s keep the mojo going for next week. Send all nominations to tips@barstoolsports.com