Time to reload the Miltons machine. Send all sob stories to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com and help us help you. And you need to send pictures! If you sent an email without a picture resend with one to be considered.
This Month’s Winner
Remember That Super Gay Dude Who Screamed “I DON’T LIKE MENS NO MORE!” In Front Of A Congregation? Turns Out He’s Still Pretty Gay
(Source) – Andrew Caldwell became famous last year after a video of him declaring at the Church of God in Christ conference in St. Louis that “I’m not gay no more.” Since then, Caldwell and his video have become the subject of songs, spoofs and cartoons galore, but now it seems that Caldwell’s hit phrases are ringing a little hollow because he recently explained that he’s still attracted to men.
Well I’ll be. Turns out my gaydar needs a recalibration. I thought for sure Andrew Caldwell had been cured of his homosexuality. He had the booming barritone in his voice, the paisley suit with a yellow bow tie, a total lack of flamboyance. Everything about him was straight as an arrow. That man in that video could have dropped the mic then gone to chop down a tree while his homemade beef jerky dried out and he hummed some Metallica and I wouldn’t have batted an eye. Just a clearly heterosexual male doing heterosexual male things. But I guess you can never really tell anymore. Just hope Andrew can get back to that megachurch, totally not a cult, ASAP so everyone can pray that gay away because that’s a very real thing that you can do.
PS – Still one of the funniest Vines of the year. Don’t care.
Every year when I go to Pete’s Plunge a group of guys asks me whether I found out what happened to Phillip yet. We originally posted this video in 2009. It’s an all time classic. I’ve still never gotten one tip about who he is or where he lives. Legend has it he’s a back up QB in the CFL or Arena League. That nobody who can just flick their wrist and throw a 60 yard dart without playing professional football somewhere. But I simply can’t confirm it. I’ve never had one person say they know who Phillip is. So I’m reposting this looking for clues. It’s time to end the mystery. Does anybody know who Phillip or what happened to him?
In The Least Surprising News of the Century…Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights Was Based On Bill Belichick
Umm duh. Obviously the inspiration for Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights was from my friend Bill (Belichick) You don’t become Texas coach of the year at two different schools by not emulating the master. You don’t learn about compassion, fairness, winning from anybody but Belichick. You don’t figure out how to win when your star QB Jason Street gets crippled unless you study Belichick. You don’t figure out how to motivate Riggins. You don’t figure out how to manage Smash Williams ego. You don’t figure out how to deal with Buddy Garrity. None of that happens without Belichick. It was obvious from the first time I watched the show. Seriously name one winner at anything in life who hasn’t modeled their careers after Belichick and I’ll show you a liar. Tami Taylor was probably based on Linda Holliday too.
“I have a dream that my dresses will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their color but by the content of their character. And guess what? No matter what color this dress is it’s basic and trash. Ugliest mothafuckin dress I’ve ever seen.”
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
PS – This is always my favorite part of internet trends. When they’ve been dead for 24 hours and companies/groups just get wind of it and try to jump on board but end up looking like complete assholes.
MEMPHIS, Tenn. (FOX13) – – A 28-year old man is behind bars after police say he choked a 92-year old woman Tuesday night. Memphis Police arrested Thomas Standley and charged him with Domestic Assault Causing Bodily Harm and Assault.
Here’s my burning question: what the hell could a 92 year old girlfriend do to get you so mad that you choke her? As far as I’m concerned fights start over two things: 1. fears of infidelity and 2. she wants you to do shit that you don’t want to do. Be it hanging out with her friends, going to dinner with her parents, going to a shitty movie, really anything that entails getting off the couch. Well both of those problems don’t exist when you’re banging a 92 year old. You’re not concerned about her banging some other dude because you’re literally the only person on the planet who has both the desire and physical ability to fuck her. You don’t have to do anything because she’s 92 and physically can’t. Her whole family is dead, her friends are dead, she can’t actually see a movie screen… she’s pretty much as couch ridden as you. Tbh kind of sounds like the perfect relationship if her vagina wasn’t indistinguishable to Ty Cobb’s mitt in both look and feel. I guess maybe they fought about the lack of sex but that’s kind of like when your girlfriend says she’s not in the mood when you know she hasn’t shaved and has been eating Mexican all night, it’s more of a blessing than a curse.
Top 10 Biggest Regrets Of My Life: Not Being Able To Shred The Gnar On These Slurpee Waves In Nantucket
FUCK ME. I can’t believe I missed this slurpee Surf in Nantucket. Imagine getting pitted in that tunnel? Look at it! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, man! Ugh. I’m so fucking sad. For a guy who lives to get radical this is a day killer.
Hey Ocean you want no part of this son!