Not unlike Dick Butkus before him, Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor sure finds ways to make money. While he hasn’t starred in Gremlins 2: the New Batch, My Two Dads, Hang Time, worked as XFL Commissioner, or coached the high school team in ESPN’s “Bound for Glory”, he does have quite the resume.

Let’s see …

Wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow in the main event of WrestleMania XI? Check.

Appearing in Any Given Sunday, Shaft and the Waterboy? Check.

Providing voicing for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City? Check.

Providing voicing and context for the equivalent of a Playmakers, the video game, otherwise known as Blitz, the League? Check.

Competing in the newest version of Dancing with the Stars? Check.

Naturally, the dancing connection has given the media the green light to dance all over us with dancing lingo.

Lawrence Taylor used to dance all over opposing QBs. Now he’ll try not to dance on his partner’s toes as he becomes the latest sports star to join “Dancing With the Stars.”

Nice. Almost as great as the dancing explosion that occurred last summer with Jason Taylor. While L.T.’s appearance in the show provides some athlete cross-over for ABC and the sports fans of America, it’s Shawn Johnson whom we’ll be watching with a keen eye. Not because we’re perverts nor because we think she’s the odds on favorite; rather, we’re just real worried that the hand in the cornfield will sabotage her performance and potentially end her athletic career.

If there’s money involved for the creepy hand in the cornfield, our guess is that Dick Butkus is down there. Dude will do anything for money.

Crap that actually came from someone’s mouth

“Ty has got a motor, that’s the thing I like about him.” – Mizzou football coach Cornell Ford on Tigers recruit Ty Phillips

The fact that Ty Phillips happens to be African-American means that Cornell Ford clearly hasn’t taken the sports media’s two-day course entitled “White lineman have motors, black lineman are freakish athletes”. Pathetic if you ask us.

“Daniel Sedin and Henrick Sedin are probably the two most dangerous players on 4-on-4 in the league.  They really have that dynamic fifth sense that they’re able to just kind of know where each other is going to go.” – Bernie Federko, FSN Midwest

Yes, Bernie, that fifth sense is called “sight”

Jay Bilas fed up with the top rope

Especially when they come in fives during the most intense circumstances.

Or when they get taken to the extreme.

Crap that actually came from A-Rod’s mouth

“When I arrived at Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure; I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform and perform at a high level every day.”

Abstaining from quarter billion dollar contracts could help in that regard.

“It was such a loosey-goosey era.”

Seriously, who the hell uses the term “loosey goosey”? I guess a guy with purple lips, frosted tips and designer attire.

“I like it. I like taking it. I’m not a good bragger but I’m a good receiver.”

Gay joke goes here.

“To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.”
“I’m not sure, exactly, you know, what substances I used, but whatever it is, I feel terribly about it.”

One of the greatest athletes in the world with a history of good health ingested substances for which he was unaware. Makes perfect sense.

“I’m not sure exactly of the timing of everything, because it has been a long time — it’s been almost six years — but I do remember thinking, in my bed in Arizona, ‘What am I doing? Wake up. Stop being selfish.’”

A-Rod remembers that one morning in Arizona six years ago, but can’t remember when he started taking illegal substances. Hey, at least he stopped being selfish, though.

“I just think you felt a tremendous need to keep up, and to play well and to play… you know, it was hot in Texas. Every day, it was over 100 degrees. You know, you felt like, without trying to over-investigate what you’re taking, it’s, can it have an edge just to get out and play every day?. And that’s what it came down to.”

Of all the “excuses” to take performance enhancing drugs, 100 degree heat just might take the cake.

“But it feels good coming out and being completely honest and putting it out there and realizing that the more honest we can all be, the quicker we get baseball to where it needs to be.”
“I wasn’t even being truthful with myself. How am I going to be truthful with Katie or CBS? Today I’m here to tell the truth and I feel good about that. I think my fans deserve that, and I’m ready to put everything behind me and go play baseball.”

He’s such a child of God, people.

“When you take this gorilla and this monkey off your back, you realize that honesty is the only way. I’m finally beginning to grow up. I’m pretty tired of being stupid and selfish and about myself. The truth needed to come out a long time ago; I’m glad it’s coming out today.”
“You know, one thing I’m learning as I get older and hopefully a little wiser is — honesty — that the truth shall set you free. I’m just proud that I’m here sharing my story.”

Such a wonderful service Alex Rodriguez is doing for society. As a matter of fact, he was going to admit the steroid thing this season just to share his story, it was a coincidence that the SI story beat him to it.

“I have such appreciation and, even on a day like today, I feel very grateful for what God’s been able to do for me.”

So do we, Alex. We’re very grateful to hear that you’re grateful. It’s just a great heaping of graciousness – great for all involved.

“But to really judge me on, you know, prior-Texas and post-Texas. That’s all I want. And also, I also have nine years remaining in my career where I can still do some pretty special things, I think.”

Translation: “I lied on 60 Minutes, but I’m telling the truth now. I used illegal drugs for three years, but every season before and after I’ve been clean as a whistle. You know that, though, because I’m Alex Rodriguez and I’d never tell a lie.”

All Hope is Not Lost, MLB Fans

As much as the MLB fans of America may be down in the dumps right now, thinking that nothing in their sport is pure and trustworthy in light of the news that yet another superstar has been linked to steroids, we promise you, there is one person that we can all pin our hopes on.

Amidst the darkest of nights, there remains a beacon of light, shining over America from the East Coast, ensuring that the nation’s youth has a true icon to look up to as a symbol for all that is right in baseball…and in life.

Don’t take our word for it, let The Bergen Record’s Bob Klapisch inspire you…

“Baseball is at the outer limits now, a dark universe where everyone cheats and lies. Let us join hands and admit we’re down to the last player we can trust — Derek Jeter.  Pity this sport if the Yankee captain falls into the abyss, too. With Alex Rodriguez now exposed as a steroid fraud, baseball turns to Jeter as the last outpost of honesty. Someone has to be beyond suspicion; someone has to care enough to say “no” to the syringe.

It’s Jeter, it has to be.

Woozy with bad news, baseball only has one place left to turn. Fingers crossed, prayers said fast and furious, the sport embraces its last remaining icon. Jeter better not fail, too.”

Don’t you let us down, Jeter.  Klapisch may never recover if you do.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

You know that a snappy line just doesn’t have that “it” factor when the announcer who drops it is ridiculed by his own co-hosts live on the air.  Bob doesn’t appreciate the type of snapper that doesn’t slyly fly under the radar.  What we’re saying is, Jay Bilas, your line about Oklahoma basketball player Tony Crocker need some practice…

“Some days Tony Crocker, some days Betty Crocker”

Some days you get two thumbs down.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig, the cofounders of JoeSportsFan.  They swear this stuff is real.  E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com