CBSDFW.COM – She’s got the drive, the figure and the discipline of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. But does Sharon Simmons have what it takes to dance alongside some of the most visible women in the world? She’ll soon find out when the Carrollton resident auditions to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. She’s also a grandmother of two. “I’m 55. And in May, around the competition, I’ll be 56,” explained Simmons. “On stage, I blend right in with women in their 20s, 30s and up.” Simmons was asked if she believes that there is a physical difference between her body and those of the 19-year-olds trying out? “Absolutely no difference,” she declared. Simmons is an author and national fitness competitor who embraces what she calls “defining moments.” She had one last December, when she used the Cowboys cheerleader uniform as inspiration for a fitness costume. “I thought, that’s something I never tried,” Simmons said. “I always wanted to try out. I got real close in my early 20s, but got busy raising my daughter. And I thought, why not now?”

Why not now, Sharon? Since you asked, allow me to answer.  Not now because it’s not 1978, that’s why.  I’m sure your husband tells you you’re hot and all the rapidly aging divorcees in you Zumba class tell you how great you look.  But there’s an implied-but-unspoken suffixes to those sentences.  They won’t tell you what they are but I will.  The words “for your age.”  You’re not bad “for your age.”  There’s a hell of a big distinction between putting on an iParty Cowboys Cheerleader Halloween costume for the Senior Division of some fitness pageant and being part of the real thing.  Hell, I once did outdoor paintball for a bachelor party, but it didn’t make me think I belong on Seal Team 6.  Look, I’m sure it would do wonders for your dwindling self esteem to think you’re hot enough to be a Cowgirl.  But you remind me of that fat chick a bunch of years ago who sued to get into the Citadel and when she did she could barely get out of bed in the morning much less complete the fitness test.  There are certain American institutions that are way too important to leave to social experiments or Affirmative Action.  One of them is the military. Another is the Dallas Cowboys frigging Cheerleaders.  The only criteria for being a Cowgirl should be that men (and women) in the crowd want to have sex with you.  Period.  And I’m sorry but no one but your husband and those few guys with turkey neck/ spray tan/ HGH-injection/ frosted-hair fetishes are interested in you.  And the sight of you trying to make the squad is going to cost thousands of men millions of future erections.  So save your costume for a little sexual role playing at home behind closed doors but spare the rest of us.  I’m not trying to be mean, just honest with you.  Let this be your defining moment. @JerryThornton1