MSN – According to the poll by Austin Reed, the perfect man earns about $77K a year, drinks beer and drives an Audi. Women also want men to have stylish clothes, a good body and a clean-shaven face. In fact, in the survey of 2,000 women, they list those qualities as a “must.” The hipster beards just aren’t cutting it anymore.

Here’s a full list of qualities the perfect man apparently possesses:

1. 6 feet tall (Maybe my biggest weakness)

2. Toned and athletic (check)

3. Brown eyes (bullshit. Everybody knows Caribbean blue is the best and that’s what I got)

4. Short dark hair (surfer hair trumps short dark hair everyday of the week and twice on Sunday)

5. Smart dress sense (Would I have a Milton’s sponsorship if I didn’t? check)

6. Beer drinker (check)

7. Non-smoker (check)

8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper (Had to quit wearing vnecks because I have a hunchback neck.  Otherwise check)

9. Gets ready in 17 minutes (don’t even get this one)

10. Stylish ( Again Miltons Sponsorship Don’t Lie check)

11. Wants a family (families are for suckers)

12. Earns £48,000 ($77,000) a year (ashtray money bro)

13. Loves shopping (I like shopping for myself kind of)

14. Eats meat (like you read about. Check)

15. Clean shaven (sometimes)

16. Smooth chest (bullshit. Real men have chest hair)

17. Watches soaps (Does Revenge count?)

18. Enjoys watching football (check)

19. Drives an Audi (check)

20. Educated to degree level (check)

21. Earns more than his other half (Why do you think the First Lady can’t go anywhere? Check)

22. Jokes around and has a laugh (Rape jokes like you read about.  Check)

23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset  (check)

24. Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it (or when I want pussy. Check)

25. Admits it when he looks at other women (And proud of it. Check)

26. Has a driver’s license (All day everyday off camera every way. Check)

27. Can swim (Doggie Paddle for days check)

28. Can ride a bike (Can you say bike tricks?  Check)

29. Can change a tire (I pay AAA for a reason.  Check)

30. Calls mom regularly (Don’t have to. She calls me 10 times a day)


Nuts and bolts.  I’m the perfect man.  And I love animals.  Check mate.