While Lord knows Theo Epstein hasn’t been perfect the last few offseasons, he’s been pretty damned good.  And the one area in which he’s been above criticism is when it comes to WAGs: players’ wives and girlfriends.   Theo clearly places a premium on guys who are capable of excellence in all aspects of their lives, including the bedroom.  Sox management understands that guys who win on the field are usually the same guys who win off the field, so they’ve assembled a roster of players who’ve pulled the hottest collection of WAGs in all of baseball.  And that excellence extends from the back of the bench all the way to the owners box.  So in honor of Opening Day, presenting the 2009 Red Sox WAGs starting lineup:

Leadoff: Farrah Lester (Mrs. Jon Lester)

Farrah might not be the most naturally gifted athlete in this lineup, but she’s got a look about her that tells me she’d be tenacious.  That she’d be willing to work the count, take a couple of balls, probably even take on for the team and that kind of selfless determination sets the tone for the rest of the order.

2-Hole: Danielle Peck (Josh Beckett’s ex)

The second half of my table-setter combo, Peck has more talent than Farrah but I think every bit of her grit.  I loved how she stepped up in the 2007 ALCS when Cleveland offered her the chance to sing the National Anthem in order to mush Beckett on a night he was scheduled to start and she didn’t back down for a second.  That proved to me she’s got the toughness of Dustin Pedroia in the body of a game show hostess.

3rd Spot: Alyssa Milano (Brad Penny’s ex)

A first ballot Hall of Famer.  The Albert Pujols of this club: a productive, 5-tooler who’s been one of the best players of her generation for years now.  And done it without any performance enhancers.

Cleanup: Erica Ellyson (Clay Buchholz)

A former Penthouse Pet of the Year who still has great years ahead of her.  You could flip Ellyson and Milano in this order and not miss a beat.  But I like her at cleanup on the basis of the power that comes from being willing to get naked at the drop of a hat.  And the thousands of girl-on-girl pictorials she’s done.  And also because of statements like this, from her Penthouse profile: “My favorite sexual experience was in my car, parked on the side of the road after a softball game. And I’m still waiting to fulfill my favorite fantasy, which is two guys at the same time – but that won’t be in a public place.”  And Erica’s gonna touch ‘em all

Batting 5th: Eliza Dushku (another ex of Brad Penny)

Eliza’s been good for a long time, but this has been her breakout year.  From her gratuitous tank top scenes in every episode of “Dollhouse” to her gratuitous tank top scene with the alien tongue thing in the Hulu ads, she’s proven she’s just entering her prime and is just the protection Erica Ellyson needs.
6th:  Heidi Watney (rumored to be dating Jason Varitek even though it hasn’t been confirmed but we all know they are)

Heidi is proof positive of what I’ve been saying about the depth of talent on the Sox WAGs roster.  On every other Major League team, she’d be in the heart of the order, but not here.  Still there’s no shame in batting 6th in this Murderer’s Row, and she’s got a chance to do more damage here than she did to ‘Tek’s marriage.

7-Hole:  Jamie Kotsay (Mark Kotsay’s wife)


Immensely talented, Jamie has yet to reach her full potential.  She’s done a little bit of modeling, but not enough to justify moving her up in the batting order.  Again, on her husband’s previous teams she was the star, but here it’s the bottom third for her.

8th Hitter: Linda Pizzuti (John Henry’s fiancee)

Imagine facing this team, thinking you’ve gotten through the tough part of the order only to see Pizzuti coming to the plate?  A Lynnfield girl who turned a Babson degree, a love of Turtle Safaris and a penchant for ghostly, thin, pale, billionaire venture capitalists in pure love?  That’s no easy out.

9th: Tomoyo Matsuzaka (Mrs. Dice-K)

“Rockets,” as she’s affectionately known in her native country, put up huge numbers in Japan, that have yet to translate into major success here.  But with two years under her belt to adjust, if she can perform to something even approaching what she showed overseas, this lineup will have zero holes.

Pinch Hitter: Enza Sambataro (Kevin Youkilis’ wife)

A measure of how good this team is, is that Enza can’t even crack the starting 9.  No one’s saying she’s an All Star talent, but she’d be starting on every other team in baseball, period.

So I’ll reiterate, man for man, the Red Sox roster has produced more top notch wives, girlfriends and exes than any team in baseball.  Though to be fair I’ll concede that Derek Jeter’s probably done better than this all by himself.  It’s like that time JFK had all the living Nobel Prize winners for dinner and called it “the greatest collection of talents in the White House since Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”  You’ve got to give the devil his due.