Bank Robber Arrested After He Was Caught Jerking Off In Public Nearby
(HuffPo) — A man suspected of robbing a bank was caught the next day when he appeared to be publicly masturbating, according to a release from the Seattle Police Department.On New Year’s Eve at around 5 p.m., a man walked into a Seattle bank and handed the teller a note demanding money and stating he had a bomb. The teller gave him money and the robber fled. At about 12:30 p.m. New Year’s Day, police got a complaint that a gentleman was “having a good time with himself” while lying near the entrance of a car dealership. In what the news release calls a “stroke of luck,” the responding officers noticed the purported masturbator looked suspiciously similar to the bank robbery suspect. The man, whose name has not been released, reportedly told officials he had not been “playing with himself,” but had merely been trying to hide money in his pants. His story matched up with the money that officers found hidden in his pockets and shoes.
News outlets are having a field day with this story. Everyone with a headline making it seem that the guy wouldn’t go a block with his sack of cash before he had to tug his prick. Like the cops rolled up to the scene of the crime and he was jerking off in the bank vault with a roll of nickels shoved up his ass. All kinds of stuff like “Handsy Bandit Caught Masturbating After Robbing Bank” and “Thief Caught With Cash In Shoes, Manhood In Hand.” Reporters who never get to crack jokes practically cumming themselves making these headlines. Hey folks, the guy got caught practically a day later! Everyone is acting as if “laying low after a heist” means you’re not allowed to jerkoff. I don’t care what I did or how many people are after me, I’ll jerkoff in a 24 hour window every time. I’d probably try not to do it on the showcase floor of a car dealership but hey sometimes when the mood strikes the mood strikes. Guy had his cash in his shoes and was clearly about to buy a brand new car. Who wouldn’t get a little turned on thinking about that?
PS – give me a story about someone jerking off in an inappropriate place and you’re getting a story about the time Joe McGrath coached a terrible masturbator 11 times out of 10.
jesus you cant celebrate anything anymore
Are all the employees at Barstool wannabe Valley Girls??? I have never heard or seen the word “like” used so much since 1985. I hope none of you try to get real jobs and show any of your “blogs” as work, because you all come off as unemployable, uneducated idiots. If misspelling, bad punctuation, regurgitation of stories and pics and lack of humor are the point of this site, then, “Bravo! Job well done!” Try cleaning this shit up. The comments are the only thing that keep me coming back. Usually the funniest stuff on here.
And now the Stoolies can commence the anal ripping…
You suck Feitelberg. Is it impossible for you to write a funny blog?? Two shitty posts from you in a row. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why Prez keeps you around. You must give one hell of a blowjob.
We don’t want to watch your porn Fecalberg
@rubberballs. I’m not gonna disagree with the misspellings and all that stuff although I think they do it on purpose but I do disagree with your critique of their use of the word “like”. None of them use it they way teenage girls do. You know the “I’m so like fucking sick of this.” That’s type of like. They use it mostly and by mostly I mean once a blog, if that, to set up a metaphorical situation. It would be the same thing as saying “as if” or “could you imagine”. People just look for reasons to shit on every blog from as many angles as possible. Maybe I’m wrong in saying this but you give the impression that come here to be entertained by the comments and are just looking for any excuse you can to bash the writers. I don’t have a problem with the misspellings or anything because regardless of whether or not someone says “whether” or “weather”, it doesn’t change what they are saying. Barstool is a smut empire (I say empire for lack of a better word) and part of that is being imperfect. The top of the website says it, “By the common man for the common man”. If you are expecting perfection and just come here to shit on people when it doesn’t happen then stop coming here, stop being a pompous douche and go rea the Washington Post or some shit.
NEVER defend the word “like”. It has been misused by an entire decade worth of shitty high schools shitting their shittier than shittiness (sp?) end product onto the job market (for “some”). These mental midgets use the word to fill the aural vacuum, they are so tuned into nonstop noise they literally cannot shut up. Next to people that use quotes too much, these fucking retards are the worst. They are going to end up eliminating the word itself from the English language. Now, I don’t particularly “like” the word “like”, but what happens when the Gestapo comes for “twat”, or “assplosion”, or “drilldo”.
What then?
P.S. Filling oral vacuums is my specialty.