I don’t think you can ever outgrow sledding. The only difference is that the falls take a bigger toll when you’re older and you start adding alcohol into the mix. But anyone who says that they don’t find sliding down a hill fun at any point in their life is either a liar or a horrifically awful person. So in honor of the blizzard and everlasting immaturity, here are the Barstool sled power rankings.
#5 – Poor Person Plastic Sheet
If you use one of these, you’re poor. It’s a sheet of plastic. You can literally feel the snowflakes on your asshole when you’re going down the mountain. They cost like $0.99 and you see them strewn throughout low income neighborhoods everywhere. If you use one of these, chances are that when you go home it’s just like that old Campbell’s Soup commercial where they pass around one bowl of soup between like twelve people. In a pinch they aren’t bad, but the majority of sledders who have these get welfare checks.
#4 – Saucer
Saucer has a little speed in her, and it’s OK for jumps, but the downside is that it spins you around like an idiot the whole way down the hill. And if you get caught facing up the hill while you’re going down, there’s a good chance to might find a tree or murder a toddler. The big debate is whether you sit on your ass with your knees up, or put your legs underneath you and sit on your feet. Obviously gotta go with knees up for guys, legs underneath for girls. If you’re a guy and sit on you’re feet, you love cock.
#3 – Ice Skate Sled
The good thing about this sled is that it’s built for speed. With the correct weight distribution you can fucking fly. But the bad thing is that it’s also deadly. It has steel blades on it. If the terrain is groomed you’re good. But if you hit some turbulence and things start to go wrong, you could end up with metal edges in bad spots. Fact: 87% of sledding-related stitches are caused by these. I made that up but it’s gotta be true. Still a quality ride though.
#2 – Toboggan
The toboggan is nice because you can get ass to dick with a bunch of people on it. It’s the party sled. Built for comfortable cruising. The best play with a toboggan is to go guy/girl/guy/girl. Basically like an orgy while you’re sliding down the hill. Got a girl with her arms around you, you got your arms around another girl, it’s great. Then at the bottom you pretend you fall and cop a feel over some snow pants. You definitely can’t go wrong with a toboggan and that’s why it’s coming in hot at #2.
#1 – Tube
The tube is the undeniable king of sledding. Some might say it’s technically not a sled, but that doesn’t matter. It’s the best thing to slide down a hill on. It has it all – comfort; speed; ability to hit jumps; that nice buoyancy that can’t be found in any of the other choices. It handles all terrains, all the time, anywhere. Pretty much if your parents loved you as a kid, they bought you a tube. Now like the saucer, there’s somewhat of a debate on whether it’s better to go down on your stomach or on your ass. Look I don’t want to generalize here, but if you go down on your ass then you’re a pussy, straight up. Face-first all day, every day. When you take that sucker off a fat jump, right when you peak in the air and right before your super bouncy landing, you experience the pinnacle of sledding. It doesn’t get any fucking better than the tube.
These things don’t go fast, don’t do jumps, and break almost immediately. Better to sled on your bare ass.
Any Variation Of This Thing:
These sleds are the product of toy companies getting greedy. Probably the worst invention ever. They tip over immediately, they’re slow as fuck…basically they’re for retards who are trying way to hard to look cool. If you use one I hate you and always will.
Most importantly, have fun out there guys!