Happy Anniversary, Montreal. After eight months of pomp and nostalgia celebrating their 100 years as the NHL’s marquee franchise and being dubbed a Cup contender by so-called experts, the 2008-2009 Montreal Canadiens turned out to be a bigger dud than “Caddyshack 2″.

Much like what an actual bear would do to an actual Frenchman, the Bruins simply eviscerated and devoured the Habs in embarrassing fashion, capping their first series win in 10 years with last night’s 4-1 defeat in a game that was over before the 3rd. The only suspense in the final frame was whether the Habs would go meekly or resort to goon tactics (a lot of the former and a little of the latter when Mike Komisarek got the gate/his wish when he facially cross-checked Milan Lucic, who previously beat the bag out of the fraud with a two-punch TKO in the 2nd. Wonder if Colin Campbell will find the hit to be “a reckless and forceful” blow to the head).

Despite going down 1-0 early on a Kostitsyn brother goal (I can’t remember if it was Sonny or Fredo), Tim Thomas once again held off Montreal’s early surge, their 1st period wad-shooting being their only real pressure of the night. Mike Ryder then continued his payback tour (4-3–7 in four games) when he rifled a David Krejci-induced turnover in the slot past Fried Price. Two minutes later, he fed Krecji after a sweet move for what Mad Jack correctly called a “slam dunk” to give the Bs the lead for good.

 

Just after halfway through the 2nd, the Bs did catch a bit of a break. Patty Bergeron made a long pass to Phil Kessel, who just stepped out of the penalty box, to send him in alone to beat his bitch Price yet again. Though Kess was about a foot offsides, the linesman a few feet away failed to catch it and the Bruins padded their lead. Not that it was going to matter. Less than a minute later, Ryder’s 2nd off a Krejci feed effectively put the final nail in the Canadiens’ 1st century coffin.

It also led to Habs fans devouring their own yet again when they mock cheered Price’s stop of a dump-in, which led to Price throwing his arms up to the crowd as if to say either “What the fuck?” or “Fuck you!”. Either way, Bruins fans were eating it up. Especially those of us weaned on WSBK and still bear the childhood scars of eight seasons ending at Hab hands before we got behind the wheel of a car.

Other than Komisarek coming off as a big pussy for a cross-check he had to know would get him the gate (read: off the ice and bench, allowing him to duck the traditional handshake), the 3rd was merely a 20 minute requiem for 100 years of hockey.

The Bruins winning the series wasn’t a surprise. But the stunning swiftness with which they took down their rivals might have been. It was simple domination and thorough punishment. The Bruins outscored the Habs 17-6 in the series and held them scoreless on their power plays (0 for 8). Eight different players found the back of the net. Just three players didn’t tally a point (the stay-at-home Aaron Ward, the rather quiet Blake Wheeler, and the one-and-done Matt Hunwick). Thomas (1.50, .946) outplayed Price by a vast margin. They didn’t come close to panicking once. And when they won, they had the same businesslike demeanor they’ve shown after nailing down key games (i.e. there’s still a lot of work to be done).

All in all, good stuff. But they’re only a quarter the way there. The only thing that winning in the first round gets you is a tougher opponent in the second round. Right now, it’s looking like the Rangers, though that’s far from set in stone against the explosive D.C. Caps. For now, the Bs can just relax, heal/rest what ails them, and let their future opponents continue to beat the shit out of each other. Four down, 12 to go.

A few more buds for your ’1st series win in 10 years’ celebratory bowl…

*Just want to see if I got this straight: You stick check a guy and his or your composite stick breaks, it’s a penalty. But if nothing breaks, there’s no penalty. Makes perfect sense.

* “Reach for the light switch! It’s time to start saving electricity on Earth Day!!!” Mad Jack the Calendar Man just gets better as they playoffs move along. It seems like people either love him or hate him but count me in on this pseudo-holiday kick he’s on. But personally, last night I was pulling for an “Administrative Professionals’ Day” reference—”Mabel, cancel my 7 o’clock on Saturday and take this down: The Habs are done!!!”. (The day was formerly known as Secretaries Day—but we can’t be calling people what they actually are anymore, y’know?). I just hope we get a Flag Day edition.

*From yesterday’s renowned Boston Globe Sports section and Bruins beat writer Fluto Shinzawa: “Montreal’s lack of depth has compounded its injuries. While 20-year-old defenseman Yannick Weber recorded a goal and an assist in Game 3, general manager/coach Bob Gainey doesn’t have the reinforcements required to plug holes. Forward Gregory Stewart, who spent most of the season in the AHL, was on the ice for two Boston goals Monday. Forward Matt D’Agostini (zero big-league games this season) was also on the ice for a pair.”

Yo, Fluto, D’Agostini played 53 games this year. Scored two goals in the game that got his team into the playoffs. Against the Bruins. The team you cover for a living (and one your editor presumably keeps tabs on. Or not.). Not sure how the hell you or your boss miss that one. One more thing, most of your readers don’t understand French. So if you’re going to share your foo-foo diet from high-end restaurants with us while we seek team info on your blog, can you at least put in it English? Just because we’re reading the Globe doesn’t mean we’re multilingual, Rolls Royce-shopping world travelers. You don’t write for them anymore.

*The Bruins covered the -1.5 puck line in all four games. If you invested $100 in the first game and doubled down each subsequent game, you would have won more than $2400 by series end.

*Still hard to believe that Bob Gainey didn’t come back with Jaroslav Halak after he relieved a shitty Price in Game 2 and looked sharp, even while facing only five shots. Or even after Price’s lackluster Game 3, when it was clear he didn’t have it. Additionally, he did his offense zero favors by insisting on dressing Georges Laracque every game. And this was all after the fired the coach. Expect him to be shown the door by May Day.