Capecodonline – A Marstons Mills man was arrested and charged last week with an alleged assault involving an expensive pair of jeans and wasabi sauce. John McGuinness, 22, was arraigned in Barnstable District Court Friday on domestic assault and battery, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and intimidation of a witness charges after he allegedly attacked his girlfriend earlier in the day. Earlier in the night, the victim and McGuinness had been at the Fox Hole Bar in Osterville to watch the Boston Celtics game. On the way home, the victim received a text message from a male friend. This angered McGuinness and the couple argued until the victim dropped him off at his home, according to the report. While she was driving home, the victim received a text message from McGuinness, who said he was throwing a $200 pair of her jeans outside. The victim drove back to find McGuinness outside with her pants, which he had apparently covered in wasabi sauce, according to the police report. From there, McGuinness forced the window of the victim’s car down and took her cell phone, which spurred her to get out of the vehicle, according to the report. Once out, McGuinness hit the victim in the face with the jeans, getting wasabi sauce in her eyes. He then poured more sauce in her car, while the victim cleaned her eyes and fled.

It’s very rare that I laugh out loud reading a story, but I did with this one. For some reason I just picture the wasabi jeans stuck to this chick’s face like a Klingon in star trek. The more she struggles the more the wasabi sauce gets in her eyes. Just made me laugh. Anyway let me state this loud and clear. I have absolutely no problem with anything this guy did at any point in this story. Like since when is assault with wasabi sauce considered a dangerous weapon? What else was this guy supposed to do? Just sit there and get cuckholed like some damn fool? I mean if some dude texts The First Lady late night you better believe I’m pouring wasabi sauce all over her Louis Vuitton bag even though I bought it. (I roll deep) Sure you can’t physically hit a woman, but you can certainly hit them where it hurts. Sometimes you got to fight fire with fire. Late night booty calls? Not on my watch. Automatic wasabi sauce to the prized possessions. Automatic.