(HuffPo) — A woman from Immokalee, Fla., allegedly threw an 8-inch-long kitchen knife at her boyfriend after he farted in her face. Deborah Ann Burns, 37, told Collier County detectives that an argument ensued Tuesday night, while the two were watching TV, Naples Daily News reported. Burns says that her boyfriend purposely passed gas while walking by her on his way to the kitchen. When officers responded to a report of a possible stabbing, they found Burns’ boyfriend in front of his house, with cuts on his abdomen and left arm, according to a Collier County Sheriff’s Office arrest report sent to The Huffington Post. The victim told authorities that his stomach wound came when Burns and he were arguing in the kitchen over money. He said she threw the knife at him, left the house, but came back, and struck him in the arm with a stick. According to the report, the victim makes no mention of the alleged flatulence, but “continually stated if [Burns] returned he would kick her ass.” When detectives interviewed Burns, she allegedly asserted that her boyfriend became agitated and began yelling only after she confronted him about his fart.
Recently I’ve noticed myself getting older. For the first time in my life. It’s not huge things, just little stuff here and there. I’ve always thought that “maturing” was just becoming ashamed of your alcoholism and now along with a regular hangover, I get a moral hangover. I’ve learned that hair actually grows on the shaft of my penis too, and not just the bush area (who knew?). Whereas I used to stay up until 3 AM regularly, I’m asleep on the couch by midnight every night.
Like I said, nothing major, but I’ve noticed it. And nothing makes me realize my growing up like this story does. Because farts used to be fucking funny. Even if it was me getting cropdusted I’d laugh and be like, “c’mon dude!” then go about my day. But now? I’m with Deborah Ann Burns. When someone lets out a nasty fart in the same room as me I’ll still think, “c’mon dude!” but it’s in a very different tune. If you let a wet one slip directly in my face? You better hope there’s not a knife around because I’ll eviscerate you faster than you can say “holy shit this chick looks just like Buckwheat!“