(DM) — Chinese hospitals are introducing a new machine which can extract sperm for donors. According to China’s Weibo social platform the automatic sperm extractors are being introduced in a Nanjing hospital, capital of Jiangsu province. The pink, grey and white machine has a massage pipe at the front which apparently can be adjusted according to the height of its user. Speed, frequency, amplitude and temperature are also controllable. It has a small screen on the top which plays films for the user to help them with the extraction process.

I’ve always been weary about the robotic jerk off machines. I just don’t really trust technology. Right now my computer is all kinds of fucked up. Keeps shutting off by itself and all kinds of shit. I was on the phone with Comcast two nights ago at 2 AM because my router broke. I’ve seen iRobot and apparently not all machines are pro-human. Just a lot to handle before I put my dick in a robot’s hand. But you know what I hate more than the idea of a machine malfunctioning and ripping my dick off? Working the trackpad and keyboard with one hand on my dick. It’s like a fucking Cirque du Soleil act. Plus clean up sucks too. Just feel like an absolute piece of trash. Well the Chinese Sperm Extractor eliminates both of those things. Makes self-completion a totally enjoyable experience. Both hands free to search pornhub and I’m pretty sure it can’t get pregnant so you don’t need to worry about pulling out. It’s perfect. Thank God the Chinese spend their entire lives trying to make women unnecessary and not world domination or we’d really have a problem on our hands.