(Source)Don’t you hate it when you’re planning to spend $47,000 for a four-night hotel stay in Washington, D.C., but you’re afraid you’ll be so busy with luxury that you’ll forget to live-tweet the experience? Finally, the Madison Hotel has you covered. To honor, somehow, the luxurious experience of being one of the roughly 750,000 people who’ll watch President Obama get sworn in for his second term, the hotel now offers a “Inaugural Town and Country” package. That includes, in addition to a $5,000 gift certificate for clothes and a night in a different hotel, the exclusive services of a dedicated “social media butler.” According to a Madison press release, digital marketer Victoria Devine will “chronicle your Inaugural experience so your friends and family can follow your adventures on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest.” It adds that she will “post on all of your accounts so you don’t have to fumble for your phone to catch that perfect Facebook profile picture!”

This whole thing has an offensive number of flaws in it. First of all I just have to give this chick my phone all weekend? Don’t think so sweetheart. Hate when other people have my phone. I have my deepest, darkest, drunkest secrets buried in those text messages. Some pictures I’m really not proud of in a few folders. And I’m just supposed to hand over the keys to my demise to this social media guru all weekend?

Second, how is a chick going to be funny on my Twitter? That’s the only media network anyone cares about and no one wants you to be serious on it. Facebook is for people from your hometown who never went to college, Instagram is exclusively for looking at celebrities like they’re in a View Master and I didn’t even know Pinterest was still around, so I guess that’s just for sluts who like to make dream boards. Twitter is the only one that matters. So why on earth would I give that power to a chick? At the swearing in! Michelle’s arms look great and the kids are #adorbz. OMG beyonce is there! Great prez pick america. No thanks.

And finally, the biggest flaw in the plan: this chick sucks at social media. Like, she SUCKS. I’m not even saying that in the sense that women are bad at being funny, the chick is just awful.

Two annoying statements then asking for help: being a girl 101. If you want to give me a social media butler she better have a helluvafuck more than 561 followers. $45,000 to give my social media to a chick with 561 followers is just absurd. For that money I need a Katherine Webb type uptick over the weekend. I want 100,000 new followers by the time I get my phone back. Not getting that if I just have this chick RTing me to her sorority sisters.