BrazilA two-year-old boy sat up in his coffin and asked for water before laying back down again lifeless, according to a Brazilian news website. In a case that seems almost too incredible to be true, ORM claimed that Kelvin Santos stopped breathing during treatment for pneumonia at a hospital in Belem, northern Brazil. He was declared dead at 7.40pm on Friday and his body was handed over to his family in a plastic bag.  The child’s devastated family took him home where grieving relatives held a wake throughout the night, with the boy’s body laid in an open coffin. But an hour before his funeral was due to take place on Saturday the boy apparently sat up in his coffin and said: ‘Daddy, can I have some water?’. The boy’s father, Antonio Santos, said: ‘Everybody started to scream, we couldn’t believe our eyes. Then we thought a miracle had taken place and our boy had come back to life. ‘Then Kelvin just laid back down, the way he was. We couldn’t wake him. He was dead again.

OK, this settles it.  They didn’t believe me when the naked guy in Miami ate the other naked guy’s face.  They laughed at me when the guy in Maryland ate his roommate’s heart and brains.  Scoffed when the New Jersey guy cut out his own intestines and threw them at the cops.  Mocked me when the Canadian porn actor ate human flesh and started mailing body parts around.  Well who’s laughing now, wiseguys huh?  Once you get dead toddlers rising up out of the grave and asking for water, we’ve pretty much proven what I’ve been saying all along: The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. In fact, I’ll bet you anything what Kelvin asked for sounded like “water” but was like the Brazilian word for “brains” or something.  The government can talk bath salts or some strain of drugs or sell us any other bullshit story they want, but this is the early stages of the Solanum virus spreading, and Naked Miami Man was only Patient Zero.  The government is just making up lies to keep us from panicking.  Well I for one think this is the perfect time to panic.  Which is why I’ve been hoarding canned goods and learning to be handy with a crossbow,.  So laugh all you want, but the joke will be on you when Tim Thomas and I are the last humans left on Earth.