(ArlNow) — A D.C. man is in jail after police say he sexually assaulted a woman in the Clarendon Whole Foods and masturbated in a police interview room. The alleged crime took place inside the store, on the 2700 block of Wilson Boulevard, at 1:50 p.m. on Sunday. According to the police report, a female shopper had bent down to retrieve a bottle of wine when the man — 24-year-old Frank Alex Bouknight — came up behind her and placed his hand between her legs and on her genitalia. Bouknight then laughed and walked away, police say. Bouknight was located four hours later, sleeping on a public bench in front of the nearby Barnes and Noble store, according to Arlington County Police spokesman Dustin Sternbeck. Police found “hardcore pornography” magazines inside Bouknight’s backpack, Sternbeck said. Bouknight’s alleged sexual misconduct continued when he was brought back to police headquarters. “Once in the police interview room, the subject repeatedly masturbated,” according to the crime report

First of all, Whole Foods needs to employ a strip club-esque “you can look but can’t touch” rule. Not exactly fair to have a gaggle of smoking hot MILFs running around in yoga pants bending all over the place and not expect instinct to take over occasionally. Sure, frown upon the drive-by fingering. But punishing it to the fullest extent of the law is a bit harsh. Just kick the guy out and let him go pay $8.50 for a small carton of organic gluten free Tri-blend Rotilini elsewhere. Second of all, when you get caught fingering some chick in yoga pants buying wine in Whole Foods jerking off in a police station is really the next logical step. Not gonna sit there answering a policeman’s questions with a rock hard dick like some kind of gay pervert. Just let the guy pull his prick back into flacidness so you can both get on with your day. Sending a guy to jail with blue balls is cruel and unusual punishment.

PS – blue balls aren’t real, right? It’s just something men made up so girls feel bad if they don’t finish us off? Never once have I failed to cum then walked around the rest of the day with sore testicles or whatever blue balls are supposed to be.

PPS – “Frank Bouknight” sounds like a real classy name to me. Just has a certain ring to it. Dude should be a vineyard owner or horse breeder, not some guy sneaky fingering chicks in Whole Foods with a backpack full of porn magazines.