CLINTON — He suspected his live-in girlfriend of planning an affair, and when he saw a picture of a man he didn’t recognize on her Facebook page, it set him off, according to reports. Lowell Turpin “angrily demanded to know who the male was,” an Anderson County Sheriff’s Department incident report states. The answer, his girlfriend told him: presidential contender Mitt Romney. Upset at the woman’s “attempting to communicate with friends through her Facebook account,” Turpin jerked her laptop computer from her grasp, smashed the machine into a wall, and then hit her in the face with his fist, according to reports.

I know we say a lot that you should never hit a woman and all that. And for the most part, I totally agree with it. But when your girl is planning on fucking Mitt Romney right under your nose all common tactics fly out the window. Like of all the people you wouldn’t want your ex running to, Mitt has to be at the top of the list. He’s handsome, he’s rich, he’s powerful, he’s a dick. There’s just no way Lowell Turpin can compete with that. When you end a relationship you obviously want to win the break-up. People can talk until they’re blue in the face about “remaining friends” and “just want what’s best for her” but the fact of the matter is you want your ex to fall for some ugly, poor, fat guy with a little dick. Log into facebook and you see that your girlfriend is fingering herself to a loaded presidential candidate and I’d probably fly off the handle too.

PS – I’ve never seen a face like this guy. It’s like his jawline is carved out of granite but he’s still got 10 pounds of fat hanging off it. Does he just have a horseshoe in?