LOUISVILLE, KY (WAVE) - Louisville Metro Police were called to a gas station on a type of bathroom emergency. According to a police report, police responded to the Speedway convenience store in the 2300 block of Brownsboro Road after reports of a man lighting a toilet seat on fire. Upon arrival police arrested James Crittenden, 46, who had been confronted by store personnel in the restroom. According to the written citation, Crittenden told store workers he lit the fire for religious reasons. Crittenden was also arrested July 25, 2012 after police said he was huffing cans of a whipped cream product in the ValuMarket at Mid City Mall around 5:15 p.m. Crittenden, 36, who had been banned from the store in the past for disorderly conduct and theft, opened 10 cans of the product, which totaled $23.90. Crittenden told store personnel that he would pay for the opened cans, but only had $7.00 in his pocket. The arrest report states Crittenden said he was huffing the cans to wake up and that the U.S. Constitution allowed him the authority to huff Redi Whip.

James Crittenden says that the US Constitution allows him the authority to huff Redi Whip. Is he wrong? Who can sit here and definitively say that nowhere in the United States Constitution does it say it’s a God given right to sit in a ValuMarket and suck down nitrous oxide until you’re giggling like David after Dentist? The Constitution is like the Terms and Conditions page on iTunes. Sure we all get the gist of it. We have a pretty good idea what it says. But on page 7 it could say “for every Pitbull song you download you have to fuck yourself with a hammer” and we’d all be none the wiser. Constitution is the same way. Everyone has heard second hand what’s actually in it. We’ve gotten the Cliff Notes. I don’t think anyone has actually sat down and read the thing in about 200 years. So laugh at Critter if you want. But if you put a gun to Obama’s head and said “Do you bet your life that nowhere in the Consitution does it mention man’s freedom to get stupid dizzy?” I guarantee you he says “Well maybe I should double check.”

PS – all the “classics” are the same way. I’ll tell you I read Pascal and Dante and St. Augustine and Henry James and all that bullshit. But if you ask me specifics I’ll be completely lost. No one has actually read them, you just know enough to pretend you read them.