JUNE 11--A 24-year-old Massachusetts woman who allegedly masqueraded as a teenage boy is facing federal charges for engaging in illicit sexual conduct with a 15-year-old girl who was unaware that the boyfriend she met online was actually a female, The Smoking Gun has learned. Carissa Hads was arrested two weeks ago on a U.S. District Court complaint accusing her of coercion or enticement of a minor, a felony carrying a maximum of 30 years in prison. On Friday, Hads was ordered held without bond by a federal magistrate judge who ruled she was a flight risk and a danger to the community. Following Hads’s May 24 arrest, agents searched her front pants pocket and located a “fake, flesh-colored penis” that she apparently used during one of two prior sexual encounters with the teenage victim. Hads also kept her chest covered using a back brace.

This story outrages me. Not necessarily because it involves pedophilia, I don’t really care about that so much. But because I’m 23 years old, gainfully employed, with a fully-functioning cock and I can’t get a girl to fuck me. Don’t get me wrong, I guess she shouldn’t be fucking 15 year olds. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s impressive as shit. Meets a girl on Facebook, exchanges a few wall posts, throws out a few pokes, maybe likes a profile pic or two and next thing you know she’s knee-deep in teenage twat. I spend 5 hours and $100 bucks a night begging girls just to touch the tip for a few minutes while this fuckin’ chick with a suit of armor on and a fake dildo dick is smashing pussy in motel rooms. Life ain’t fair.