(TimesNews) — Heather Hayes, 24, of 304 W. Bertsch St., Lansford, faces charges from an incident which took place on Feb. 26 at Turkey Hill. Charges of indecent exposure, simple assault, open lewdness, and harassment. were filed by Officer Jeffrey Ohl. According to an affidavit of probable cause, here’s what happened: Ohl received a dispatch at 2:42 a.m. about a female assaulting a male at the convenience mart. Upon arrival, he saw a female standing by the trash container, nude from the waist down. Ohl quickly placed her in the back seat of the cruiser, and identified her as Hayes. Hayes told Ohl that she had gotten into an argument with her boyfriend, Eric Zuber, after he refused to have sex with her. Ohl spoke with Zuber, who said that the two were at his house and that Hayes became argumentative when he refused to have sex with her. He said the argument escalated, and that Hayes began to slap and punch him about the head and back. She bit him on the left forearm, and grabbed his testicles and began to twist them. Hayes was taken to the police station and read her Miranda rights, which she waived, and agreed to talk with Ohl. She said that for the past two days, Zuber had been playing Xbox with his friends, and not paying attention to her. Hayes said this upset her, and that Zuber wouldn’t go to bed with her and have sex. Hayes said they argued, and that she smashed things in the house, but didn’t remember assaulting Zuber.

 

Look, I’ll admit that maybe Heather Hayes isn’t Grade A beef. Might be a little too fatty along the edges for my taste. But this is who you chose to date. You made your bed, Eric. Now fuck in it. If the shoe was on the other foot here what would we be saying about a girlfriend who wouldn’t fuck her boyfriend? We’d be calling her a prude, stuck up, a cunt. A typical girlfriend who won’t blow you or fuck you and just wants diamonds and dinners. So I’m gonna be fair here and pop the blame on Eric. Everyone wants a girlfriend who runs around with her pants off shoving her pussy in your face and demanding you fuck it. Hit pause on your videogames and smash this Kirby looking chick already.

PS – Jews love anal. Something to think about next time before you give your “one more level! Just one more level!” schpeel.