Yarmouth - Matthew Tesson, a 46-year-old Wellfleet man was jailed Tuesday after he allegedly drove to a police station and demanded to be arrested because he was drunk. According to the Yarmouth Police Department, Tesson reportedly drove to the station while under the influence of alcohol and with a suspended license. He then asked police to apprehend him. Investigators say officers obliged, and Tesson was arrested. When police searched his vehicle, they found 10 different prescription pills.

Isn’t taking responsibility for your actions like the second thing DARE teaches you? Like rule 1 is don’t do drugs and get fucked up beyond belief. Rule 2 is once you inevitably do them, admit it? That’s exactly what Matthew Tesson did. So he got hammered drunk, popped behind the wheel, and took 10 different prescription pills. At least he was honest. I totally feel for him. Pretty much every Monday I have that “I’m a total piece of shit and should drive myself to the police station and demand to be arrested because I’m a total piece of shit” feeling. Matthew and I both live by the same rule: don’t let Monday ruin your Sunday. I have a few beers, he chases Whiskey with Xanax, drives to the police station, and calls everyone a pussy for not arresting him. Potato, potahto.

PS – does “Matthew” strike anyone else as a weird name for a 46 year old? It’s kind of like Zach or Timmy. Only preschoolers have those names, bro. Grow up.