(TSG) — On Monday morning, a Michigan cop reported to a park in response to a 911 call about “a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo.” Upon investigation, Sergeant Steve Allen with the Trenton Police Department located a Ford Fusion being driven by a 67-year-old man whose name has been redacted from an incident report. Peering into the vehicle, Allen “saw a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat.” During questioning, the man admitted that he was “sucking on a dildo.” He added, “I’m sorry.” As seen in the report, those quotes are rendered for some reason in capital letters. The pensioner “admitted to having a problem with sex toys,” added Allen. The dildo aficionado was arrested for disorderly conduct in a public park and booked into the Trenton jail on the misdemeanor charge. He has 10 days left to appear for arraignment in District Court.

Typically I’m on the side of the accused in these stories. Like when dudes get caught tugging it in their car? I’ll defend his right to do so to the death. Your car is your home. What you do inside of it is no one else’s business. But this is where I draw the line. Sucking on rubber dicks. Not even dicks. Rubber dicks. If this guy wanted to blow his boyfriend in the car then he certainly should be able to. But not a rubber dick. That’s always infuriated me in porn. When chicks are sucking strap ons or whatever? WHY are you doing that?! No one is getting any pleasure from that whatsoever. Makes me so angry that a nice little masturbation session turns into a hate fuck starring just myself. So sorry dude but I can’t be on your side for this one. I don’t hate a lot of things in this life but people blowing rubber peckers is definitely one of them.

PS – Notice how the article says the guy admitted to “sucking on a dildo” but the police report claims he said he was “SUCKING ON A DILDO”? I’d like clarification as to how he said it. I know it shouldn’t matter but it really does.