HuffpoWhen it comes to sperm donation, these scientists are trying to give you a hand. Researchers at Zhengzhou Central Hospital in China have created a device that helps men retrieve semen without lifting a finger. The hands-free sperm donation machine, called a “sperm extractor,” has an adaptable massager that adjusts to the height of the donor’s pelvis and allows the user to manipulate the temperature, amplitude, frequency and speed, the Times Of India reported. The machine also has a display screen and a surround sound system, presumably to help the man focus on his job without distraction.

 

I need one of these Sperm extractors and I needed one yesterday! Seriously sometimes I feel like a little Chinese man crawls into my brain at night and steals all my awesome ideas.  I’m always trying to come up with ways to improve the jerking off experience and this is it. I mean this is like the Rolls Royce of sex toys. Just stick your dick in this thing and let the machine do the rest. Perfect amplitude, frequency, speed etc.  Maybe put a big old flat screen behind it, slap a wig on this bitch and off you go. First Lady who? Extract that sperms slut! Extract that sperm!