Fox News – Nine out of 10 American adults consume too much salt and the leading culprit is not potato chips or popcorn but slices of bread and dinner rolls, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Tuesday. Forty-four percent of salt consumed can be linked to 10 types of foods, CDC said. Bread and rolls lead the list followed by cold cuts and cured meat, pizza, poultry, soups, sandwiches, cheese, pasta dishes, meat dishes and snacks such as pretzels and potato chips. Bread may not have much salt in a single serving, but when eaten several times a day can raise daily salt intake. A single slice of white bread could contain as many as 230 milligrams of salt, according to the CDC. High salt intake can raise blood pressure, which can lead to heart disease and stroke, the CDC said.

Whoa, there CDC.  Slow your roll (pun intended).  I see where you’re going with this and you can back the fuck up right now.  I know how the Fun Police and the Health Gestapo operate.  It starts with little helpful press releases like this to “raise awareness” about some “concern.”  Then it leads to warning labels and banning it in schools and excise taxes on it.  The next thing you know you can’t have it in restaurants or within 50 feet of a public building.  When the came for the smokers, I said nothing.  When they came for alcohol, I said nothing.  Then they came for butter and again I said nothing.  By the time they came for my bread, there was no one left to speak up.

I’m onto you, Center for Disease Control.  You were useless during the zombie apocalypse in “The Walking Dead,” well you’re not going to save me from bread and rolls.  You’ll have to pry my Olive Garden bread sticks from between my cold, dead fingers.  I’ll defend my Bertucci’s pizza chewy rolls and Panera focaccia to the last man.  During the great Atkins Diet Scare of the late ’90s, my svelte Irish Rose tried selling me on the idea once and I told her a life without bread is a life not worth living.  I might write for Jews but I’m as gentile as they come.  Still the day never goes by that I don’t start off with a bagel.  And I’m warning you, bureaucrats, you’re not taking that away from me.  And don’t give me that “low sodium” bread crap.  Have you ever had unsalted bread?  Believe me, you’d remember if you had.  It’s worse than non-alcoholic beer.  So back off, now.  No bread, no justice, no peace.  @JerryThornton1