Handicapping American Idol 2010

It’s mid February. College hoops is starting to heat up. People are starting to look forward to spring training and oh yeah it’s American Idol season which means only one thing. Yup it’s time once again for El Prez to handicap the 9th season of American Idol. Now for those people living in a cave let me catch you up real quick. American Idol is not only my passion, but it is my calling. One day God decided to create the perfect American Idol prognosticator and out popped me. Because as impossible as it may seem, I have successfully picked the winner 7 out of 8 seasons before the first elimination show aired. Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Fantasia Brown, Taylor Hix, David Cook, Adam Lambert. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. The only person I’ve missed on so far has been Jordan Sparks. (I picked the Beat Box kid to come in 2nd that year which he did if that matters) There is simply nothing else like the El Pres American Idol phenomena on the face of this earth.

Now I know what the critics are thinking. Hey Prez, didn’t Adam Lambert lose last year? And didn’t you say you’d retire if you were wrong? Well here is the thing. Last year the finals were rigged. Everybody who follows Idol knows that. AT@T gave out cell phones to Kris Allen fans that allowed them to place 1 million votes per second because America wasn’t ready for a proud gay man to win Idol. It was like Shoeless Joe Jackson and Black Sox scandal all over again. So in my book Kris Allen was disqualified and Lambert was the real winner keeping my streak alive. Plus does it really matter who came in first anyway? One guy is an absolute nobody and one guy was on the cover of Rolling Stone and is still the most talked about singer on the planet. So you tell me. Who really won Idol last year despite the cheating? And on that note here it is. My 2010 American Idol Predictions….

Aaron Kelly 1,000 – 1

Every year we get guys like Aaron Kelly. I mean look at this kid! How the hell can he be an American Idol. He goes to fucking cyber school for Christ Sakes! Not even joking. Kid goes to Internet High School. Hey bro that’s not something you admit. Yet we’re supposed to believe he can win American Idol? Get the fuck out of here. Somewhere Thaddeus Brown is shaking his head in amazement. Seriously in all my years of watching Idol the fact that Thaddeus Brown didn’t make it to the top 24 is one of the stranger decisions I’ve ever seen. There had to be something we didn’t know to explain how a kid like Aaron Kelly makes it over him. Just has no business being in this competition.

Alex Lambert 99 – 1

Ah, the oldest trick in the book. Trying to confuse all the old grandparents in Florida to vote for you by using Adam Lambert’s name on the ballet. Nice try kid. That may work for a few weeks but unfortunately the last name is where the similarities end. Because while Adam Lambert is a bonafide international superstar, Alex Lambert has the charisma of a bag of dirt. Also got to love his pregame interview where he said “he gets very nervous performing in front of people”  That bolds well.

Joe Munoz 90-1

I feel like the only reason the American Idol producers put this kid through just to screw with me. Like “hey we know how much El Pres despised David Archuleta so lets just find a Mexican looking version of him with a porn stache and drive him insane.”   Well job well done. I’m just hoping and praying that the chicks who can’t tell gay dudes from straight dudes yet don’t fall in love with him and keep him around because I may have to kill myself if that happens.

Tim Urban 88-1

Dude who are you?

 John Park 42-1

A smart Asian kid huh? Interesting. I guess theortically if all the smart Asian kids in the world band together and voted for this guy he could make a serious run. But I just don’t see that happening especially with Idol being on a school night and all.

Janell Wheeler – 34-1

If this was a “who do you want to make babies with competition”, Janell Wheeler wins hands down.  I mean after watching Hollywood Week I couldn’t help but just want to impregnate the shit out of her. Unfortunately this is a singing competition and that’s where the trouble begins for Janell. Because even though she makes my dick move, she just isn’t that good of performer. Worse yet it doesn’t look like she can’t control her nerves. So while I love everything about her, some girls are just cut out to be housewives, drive SUV’s and sing in the shower as opposed to being superstars. Janell Wheeler is one of those girls.

Lee DeWyze 32 – 1

A poor man’s David Cook/ Chris Daughtry. A real poor man’s version. I generally have a great eye for this type of singer and DeWyze just doesn’t do it for me. If you’re to make it far with his type of rock/grunge style in American Idol you need to be dominant and despite what DeWyze will tell you and how highly he thinks of himself he ain’t even close. Stick with the frat gigs bro and leave AI to the big boys.

Paige Miles 31- 1

I’m getting a deja vu feeling with this girl. I swear it’s Melissa Dolittle all over again. Because just like with Dolittle, I literally never even saw this broad until Simon told her she made it and said was a really, really good singer. Well if she’s so good why didn’t they show her once? This is exactly what they did with Dolittle who still has the title of the best ugly singer never to win a major. My gut tells me we could be looking at a repeat performance here with Paige Miles.

Ashley Rodriguez 30 -1

Hailing from the great state of Chelsea Ma. Obviously I’d love to get behind this chick (no pun intended) because she’s cute and a local product. But frankly I was bored to tears every time she sang. In fact if she wasn’t from around here I’m not even sure I’d know who she was.

Kateylyn Epperly 29 – 1

Okay the first thing I do when handicapping American Idol is I look at all the contestants and rule out the ones that I can’t remember from Hollywood week or the auditions. There is nothing worse in American Idol than being forgettable and Kateylyn Epperly is forgettable. She is the classic midmajor. I have no idea whether she can sing or not and frankly it doesn’t really matter, does it?

Todrick Hall 26 -1

This kid was a dancer for Fantasia Brown on tour and apparently Fantasia told him he should try out for Idol so he did. Kid never even sang before. Well to quote Lee Corso…Not so fast my friends. This isn’t a flipping/dancing/circus competition. This is a signing competition. Sure all that fancy stuff may fly for a little while, but you’re not fooling me. If I wanted people gyrating all over the place I’d watch So You Think You Can Dance or buy a ticket to Cirque du Soleil.

Lacey Brown 25 – 1

I like Lacey Brown. Seems like a nice enough person. But here is the thing. She got cut from last year after Hollywood Week. How am I supposed to believe somebody who couldn’t make the top 32 last year is suddenly a threat this year? I don’t care how hard she hit the weight room your voice can’t improve that much.

Haeley Vaughn 20 – 1

I like Haeley Vaughn, but she’s just way too inconsistent to do any real damage. And it’s tough to get past her lips and concentrate on her singing. I’m not sure if that makes me racist or not, but it is what it is. She has huge lips. I don’t care whether she is black, white, green or yellow. The First Lady said I shouldn’t mention it, but you can’t help but get mesmerized by those things.

Jermaine Sellers 19 – 1

I’m kind of stunned this kid made it to the Top 24. I mean during Hollywood week after one of his performances he turned around and blamed the band for playing poorly. Yikes bro! If you can’t keep your ego in check during Hollywood week how you going to survive the real thing? I don’t care if you’re a prick in real life or not you got to be able to fake like you’re a good person. Jermaine can’t even do that. America doesn’t vote for assholes.

Tyler Grady 18-1

I always tip my cap to unique contestants on American Idol. People who don’t remind me of anybody else I’ve ever seen. Well this Tyler Grady cat is straight from the moon. Or at the very least the 70’s. He sings like Robert Plant. He has the Robert Plant vibe. All his moves are from watching old Led Zepplin videos. It’s nuts. I’m not sure what America is going to think of this crack pot, but I like him. You need guys like this to keep it interesting so I hope he makes it to the top 10. Not sure if he will but that’s the beauty of American Idol. The people will decide. It doesn’t get any more American than that.

Michelle Delamor 17-1

Will this be the year that the attractive black chick finally breaks through? I don’t know because I can’t remember anything from this chick during Hollywood week. I’m not even sure she really exists. This could just be Idol rolling out same robot clone they roll out everywhere which is an automatic 9th place finish.

Michael Lynche 15-1

Big Mike. Idol decided to switch it up this year and traded the huge black chick for the huge black dude. He got a shitload of facetime during Hollywood Week too. He even skipped the birth of his first kid to compete which was a great publicity stunt on his part. Nothing like renting a pregnant wife to put asses in the seats. It’s hard not to like Big Mike, but he’s just so boring. Like if you close your eyes and listen to him sing you’ll be asleep within 9 seconds. Not good. I’ve already decided he’ll be my designated Bathroom Break guy.

Didi Benami 14 -1

Somebody please tell Brooke White you can’t enter twice. You came in 5th Brooke. Deal with it.

Crystal Bowersox 12 – 1

Nothing not to like about this chick. I don’t even care that she’s ugly. It just kind of works with her whole vibe. She can sing. She’s unique. She’s down to earth. The problem is she’s going to get American Idoled out. It happens to all chicks like this. Like she’s going to be forced into dancing and picking songs that she has no business singing and she’s going to get frustrated and fed up with the whole process. Sure she may be the best musician in the competition but singing in coffee shops for a living and doing poetry jams don’t always translate to the big stage.

Lily Scott 11-1

Ugh!  What is up with that hair? Is that a wig? It’s got to be right? I mean nobody has hair like that. It’s too bad because she can sing, but where is she going to get her votes from? Little girls won’t like her. Guys can’t beat off to her. So who votes for her? Just the American Idol purists like myself who can look past the hair? Is that enough to win the whole thing? No way, but it may be enough to get her into the top 12.

Katie Stevens 8-1

Maybe the most consistent performer the entire week of Hollywood. You just know you’re going to get an honest performance from this chick every time she steps on stage. Without a shadow of a doubt at some point Simon or Randy will say she could surprise everybody and win it all. She’ll breeze her way into the top 10, but she just doesn’t have the intangibles to take home the crown. It’s like when GW made a run to the Final Four. It was exciting when it happened but deep down you know knew they never had a chance to cut down the nets.

Casey James 7 -1

 
A real interesting dude. Obviously his look is a major factor. I mean Kara DioGuardi practically fingers herself every time Casey sings. Relax Kara. You’re asexual and nobody likes you. Deal with it.  Anyway the big question here is whether little girls are going to vote for this guy or whether only older chicks will break out the stinky dial for him.  Unfortunately for Casey I feel like prepubescent girls generally fall for the dorky 16 year old’s rather than guys that look like him. It’s too bad because this guy can sing and he looks like a star. Granted when I casually mentioned that I thought he looked like Smith Jarrod from the Sex and the City the First Lady tried to stab me in the neck with a pencil.   Still he’s a good looking dude.    In fact I even gave serious thought about picking him as the winner, but like I said I just don’t think he’s going to connect with the 10 year old voting block which he’ll need to do real damage.

Andrew Garcia 3-1

I haven’t seen the official odds yet but I’m sure this will be everybody’s favorite to win American Idol.   He pretty much killed it in every audition and has a ton working for him. He has a hot little Asian wife with a wacky haircut that America will fall in love with. Has a good back story with avoiding gang life. He has a little baby boy that he can dedicate every song too. It’s almost like Danny Gokey turned Asian and got a new pair of shades. He’s an absolute no brainer to make it to the Final 4 and will be many people’s pick to win it all. But despite all this I just never got the wow factor from him. I don’t care how much Cara wiggles around and does her annoying dance when he sings.    Winning American Idol isn’t about being good. It’s about being transcendent.

Siobhan Magnus 2-1

And this my friends is how reputations are won and lost. Because I guarantee that I’m the only person in America who is picking Siobhan Magnus to win American Idol right now. I mean even American Idol isn’t giving her the time of day as they have her listed from from Marnstable instead of Barnstable on their main page. Well after this is over everybody will know who she is. It’s a pick so outrageous, so unprecedented that only a man of true vision would even have the balls to attempt it. But if I’ve lived my life by one credo it’s always been that American Idol is above all else a singing competition. And throughout all of Hollywood week Siobhan was the only person who made me have an “oh my” moment. A stop my DVR and rewind instantly moment. I replayed that note all weekend long. I’d wake up in the middle of the night just to listen to it again. I studied her every move. The way she dressed. The way she talked. I dissected her interview after she made it. I searched youtube for Barstable High Glee Club footage. And in the end I decided this chick has the right mix of everything. Is she hot no? But it doesn’t matter. She knows exactly who she is. Just a perfect blend of alternative, dorky, hippy loser. She couldn’t be any more relevant if she tried. I’m telling you Siobhan is going to be an inspiration to every not popular kid in the world. She’s going to win the Disney crowd and she’s going to win the vocal crowd. And when it’s all said and done, when I walk down the street people are going to look at me and say “there goes Dave Portnoy. The greatest American Idol Handicapper there ever was.