So this is becoming an annual tradition here at Barstool.  Handicapping this bizarre little contest called Miss Boston.   I have no idea why Boston.com covers it, but they do.  And regardless of the fact nobody really knows what it is people always ask me to handicap it.   Well who am I to deny what the people want?

 

All pictures and bios from Boston.com

 

 

 

Kelsey Beck (Only Entered for Miss Cambridge…Wait What?)

BIO – Kelsey is Miss Boston 2012 and will be competing only for Miss Cambridge 2013 for another chance to compete in this year’s Miss Massachusetts pageant. Kelsey is currently a junior at Harvard College.

This was last year’s champion. Now I got to admit I’m totally confused by what’s happening here.  The reining Miss Boston is now competing for Miss Cambridge?  That’s like the Celtics deciding they are going to compete in the NCAA tournament.  Totally illegal.  And frankly I don’t even know why we’re talking about her if she’s not even in the real completion anyway.  Where is she going to go next year?  Miss Mattapan?

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Cara Lemire 2-1

BioA resident of Andover, Cara is currently a senior at Brown University working toward her bachelor of arts in literary arts and plans to pursue a graduate degree in psychology. She hopes to aid her academic work through additional work with art and canine therapy and always plans to act and write. Cara is a zealous yogi which had allowed her to continue her gymnast skills will be will perform an acrobatic dance.

Loves dogs?  Check.  Yoga?  Check.  Gymnast? Check.  Hot? Check.  Aerobic dance in spandex as her routine?  Check mate!

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Melanie Lilly 3-1

Bi0Melanie is currently a student at Bentley University working towards her bachelor of science in information design and corporate communication and hopes to obtain a job with a public relations firm in Boston after graduation. Melanie also is a sprinter and horizontal jumper on the track and field team at Bentley. She will perform a lyrical dance during the talent portion of the competition and will use her platform to raise awareness of bullying in schools.

If there is anybody who can stop Cara Lemire’s inevitable romp to the title it’s Melanie.  Having a track and field ass is worthy competition for anybody.    I don’t know what lyrical dance means, but if I were Cara Lemire  it would make me very nervous.

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Biliana Mihaylova 5-1

BioBiliana, a resident of Somerville, is currently working at Ocean Spray Cranberries where she hopes to develop the management skills to own a business. She received a graduate degree from Northeastern University where she graduated in three years with honors. Biliana is also very enthusiastic about all types of dance and will perform a modern hip-hop dance.

Do not sleep on Biliana.  An absolute x factor in my mind.   Northeastern chicks will get dirty on you fast.   And I love the fact that she’s doing a modern hip hop dance for her routine.  I’m pretty sure that means it’s going to be overtly sexual.  She may not win, but she’s gonna be the one people are talking about leave the building.

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Julia Reich 6-1

BioJulia, a resident of Waltham, is currently a student at Lasell College in Boston where she is working on her bachelor of science in exercise science and hopes to practice chiropractic for both humans and animals upon completion of her degree. Julia will perform a Broadway vocal for the talent portion of the competition.

Julia could have been a real threat for the crown if it weren’t for the fact her talent is broadway vocals.   This ain’t American Idol toots.  We want to see you shake that ass.   Poise counts.

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Caroline Schar 8-1

BioCaroline, a resident of Falmouth, is currently a graduate student at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston where she is working on her master’s in music. She also received her undergraduate degree from the New England Conservatory and hopes to perform with a major symphony orchestra upon completion of her degree. Caroline is a faculty member at the Cape Cod Conservatory where she teaches oboe. She performs regularly with many orchestras in the Greater Boston area. She will perform “Gabriel’s Oboe” from the 1986 film “The Mission,” by the Italian composer Ennio Morricone.

This is shaping up to be the most boring Miss Boston pageant ever.   If I wanted to go see the opera I’d go to the opera.   These musicians and their free gigs.  I mean look at Caroline’s profile picture?  She’s literally dressed like she’s in Antarctica.   Honey skin wins.  SKIN not vocals.

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Courtney Stern 10-1

Bio -A graduate of Coyle and Cassidy High School, Courtney Stern is a student at Emmanuel College in Boston and working towards her bachelor of science in biology. When Courtney was 17, she was diagnosed with her first chronic illness and since then has been diagnosed with many others. As a result, her platform issue at the pageant is “Empowering Teens and Young Adults with Chronic Illnesses.” Courtney is pursuing a career in pediatric medicine.

 

Got to respect Courtney going for the pity vote here and using her yearbook photo.   Really laying it on thick.  I mean I don’t know what chronic illness is but it sounds horrible.  You may want to include her in your exotics just in case she breaks down and goes waterworks on people’s asses.  Never underestimate the pity vote.

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Morgan Berg  12-1

Bio: A nursing major at University of Massachusetts Boston, Morgan hopes to fulfill a lifelong dream of participating in the Miss America pageant.

A repeat contestant from last year.  I’m not a fan of this repeat shit.  I had her at 5-1 last time around, but she took her best shot and lost.  Hard to see why anything would change this year even with the year of experience under her belt.

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Victoria DeKoatz – 13 -1

BioVictoria, a student at The Boston Conservatory, will perform “Der Holle Rache” from the opera “The Magic Flute,” by Mozart.

Hey a gig is a gig is a gig right?   Like let’s not kid ourselves. Victoria has no desire to be Miss Boston.  She just knows she has a captive audience and can rock a little Der Holle Rache in people’s faces.  That’s good enough for her.

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Kira Kopacz 14-1

Bio - A graduate of Chatham High School, Kira is a student at Massachusetts Institute of Technology working toward her bachelor of science in brain and cognitive sciences. Her talent is a classical vocal performance.

 

Kira’s talent is classical vocal performance?  Yeah right.   One word.  Tits.  I respect the hell out of her for it too. She’s just going to come out tits blazing and see how far it can take her. It’s like a speed horse .   Just zoom to the front and hope you can hold on.

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Jacqueline Durazo – 15-1

BioShe hopes to use her doctorate to become a professor. Jacqueline has a personal experience and will address the issue of “sexual assault awareness.”

Uh oh.  KO Barstool trying to take down the beauty pageant system from within.    I love how Jacqueline couldn’t even muster a smile for the photo shoot.  All business.   I wouldn’t want to be a pretty girl caught putting on lipstick backstage.  Shit could get ugly.

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Andrea 16-1

Bi0Andrea is a recent graduate from the University of Central Florida with a bachelor’s degree in event management. Andrea has been classically trained on the trumpet since she was 13 years old and will perform “Moon River” during the talent portion of the competition.

 

I don’t get it?  How can a recent grad of UCF be crowned Miss Boston?   Plus if you are coming in from Florida shouldn’t you be a ringer?   And moon river?   This isn’t an retirement home party?  This is Miss Boston for christ sakes…

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Melody Fowler- 17-1

Bio - Pursuing a graduate degree in public policy at Wellesley College, Melody is working towards her bachelors of arts in economics. She hopes to raise awareness for necessary resources in the classroom for math, science, and technology classes if crowned Miss Boston or Miss Cambridge. Melody will be performing a monologue from “Curse of the Pharaoh’s Kiss.”

What’s up with all these feminist colleges entering Miss Boston?  I thought they hated shit like this?  And she’s doing  a monologue?   Seriously?   Honey you don’t win beauty pageants with monologues.   I can promise you that.  BORINNNGGGG.

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Carrie Sunde 18-1

Bio - A current resident of Charlestown and a student at Syracuse University working toward her bachelor of science in public relations, Carrie was born in China and was adopted at the age of 1½. Carrie will be preforming a contemporary dance piece that portrays the emotions of being free, moving on, and letting go.

If you want to write off the Asian feel free, but I won’t.  Not with their asses and my infatuation I have with them.

 

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Natasha Kumar 38-1

BioNatasha is a student at the University of Massachusetts Lowell working towards her bachelor of science in biochemistry and hopes to one day become a medical researcher. Natasha has a true passion for dance, and has been dancing since she was 6 years old. She will also perform a Bollywood classical dance during the pageant.

I’m assuming Natasha is in the Miss Cambridge part of the competition.