So I saw that girl from the Blackhawks shootout game that Big Cat is dating now. It reminded me of an old story that I’m sure people don’t care about, but I’m gonna tell anyway. About 10 years ago I got picked to do the Bruins shootout in-between periods. My buddy actually worked for the B’s at the time and rigged it so I’d get picked.

In case you’ve never seen this contest two people line up on opposite blue lines and whoever gets the most pucks in the net in 30 second gets tickets to a future game and moves on to the next round. The grand prize was to fly with the Bruins to see them play in Montreal. Naturally I fucking dominated. I set the record for most goals in my first round victory. After I won I started machine gunning the crowd with my stick and fell down on the ice and broke my finger. They had to take me into the B’s locker room to get it all fixed up and shit. Made me sign something that said I wouldn’t sue too. From that day forward they always put the carpet on the ice so people wouldn’t fall. Anyway I won like 5 matchups after that and made it to the finals.

Fast forward to the Finals.  Everybody in the locker room basically conceded the title to me because I was that dominant in the prelims. I went last because I obviously had the highest score.  Now for some reason in the finals the Bruins did away with having people shoot on opposite ends of the rink. All five finalists were on one end. Unfortunately they lined the pucks up to the right side of the carpet for a righty shooter. I’m a lefty. So when my turn came up I was trying to rearrange the pucks to the other side. The crowd started lustily booing me and next thing I know they started the clock on my ass. Long story short I just had a clump of pucks sitting on the wrong side. Despite the booing and the clumped pucks I still put on a performance that can only be described as heroric losing by only 2 goals. And from that day forward in hushed corners of the TD Garden whenever people talk about greatest screwjob the building has ever seen they all say it was the day Davey Pageviews had clumped pucks. True story.

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