We’ve seen stupid studies here on Barstool before. Just mind boggling shit that shows you how out of touch some “smart” people really are. Well I was surfing around the interwebs today and came across a handful of studies that are so retarded and obvious they should completely discredit the scientific community as a whole. Hey science, you’re only as strong as your weakest link. These guys are making you look like real assholes. Here they are:
1. Chicks Don’t Like Small Cocks
JSM- If you are a man who has been cursed with a less than generous handout in the pants department you might want to look away now. New research by the Journal of Sexual Medicine has shown that contrary to popular (wishful?) thinking penis size does matter when it comes to pleasing a woman in bed. The research, printed online in September, has found that women who have frequent vaginal orgasms are more likely than other women to say they climax more easily with men with larger penises.
No shit huh? Chicks really like big dicks instead of little baby dicks? If you say so. Honestly the whole “size doesn’t matter” thing that chicks say is such bullshit. It’s like me telling a girl that the size of her tits don’t matter or I don’t care if she has a super tight or super loose vagina. That shit matters. But I’m laughing thinking about the science geeks who probably conducted this study just to try and validate their own tiny dicks. Tough break fellas.
2. Dads Are Better Drivers Than Moms
DM- It was a close race, but dads are better than mums when it comes to driving ability, according to a survey of children. But it’s not all bad for mothers as they were voted as the most fun in the car by a ratio of almost two to one in the poll of 1,000 children aged between five and seven. The youngsters also revealed their parents’ worst driving habits as listening to terrible music (43 per cent), singing out of key or too loudly (34 per cent) and getting road rage and shouting at other drivers (21 per cent).
You know what my dad doesn’t do when I drive with him? Ask me to put on my seatbelt. You know why? Because dads are confident motherfuckers behind the wheel and got their shit under control. The second I get in the car my mom is all over me to buckle up. That’s because she knows at any second she might roll a stop sign and rear end a minivan or something. Obviously kids want to drive with their dads more. It’s basically a question of who gives you a greater chance to survive the trip.
3. Pre-Gaming Before Going Out Leads To Drinking And Fucking
NBC - Young adults who engage in pre-drinking, also called pre-gaming, are more likely to drink heavily over the course of an evening than those who don’t pre-drink, a new study suggests. Pre-drinking involves drinking alcohol at home or in a public place, such as a park, before going to a party or bar. Drinkers may want to achieve a “buzz” or get drunk before going out, sometimes in an effort to save money by buying less at the bar.The study also found that those who pre-drank were more likely to suffer risky or unfavorable consequences of drinking, such as blackouts, hangovers, unplanned substance abuse or unprotected sex.
How can this study be real? Drinking before going out means you’re going to drink more when you go out? It means you’re going to make bad decisions and fuck someone regrettable? Of course it fucking does. It’s amazing that people are acting like pre-gaming is some new college phenomenon. Pretty sure people drank before stuff since booze was invented. But even if I don’t pre-game I’m going into catch-up mode when I get to the bar sober and probably getting twice as blacked out twice as fast. You know, trying to achieve a “buzz.” Essentially the point of this study is that the more you drink, the drunker you get. Actually a pretty handy article for NBC to have, because it works today, at the turn of the 20th century, and infinity years into the future.
4. Bitches Get Sad After Sex
DM- One in three women suffer from the ‘post-sex blues’, according to scientists. More than 200 young women were quizzed on life between the sheets and 33 per cent reported feeling depressed after sex at some point in their lives. The researchers are now trying to understand why some people experience the phenomenon.
Hey girls, your not the only ones. You ever woken up next to a person who you’d normally cross the street to avoid? You ever heard the words, “You’re done?” said with more condescension than you’ve ever heard anything said? You ever been given the old “my roommates coming home so you have to go” excuse at 4 am? Yeah, I’d probably say 1/3 of my sex has been followed by severe depression too. And researchers are trying to figure out why some people experience this phenomenon? Easy. See studies 1 and 3.