Hey Evan Longoria; Stop Sending Me Pictures of Your Cock…Sincerely Jenna

schlongoria

So any hot girl with a facebook account would know exactly what I’m going to talk about right now. Creepy ass fucking psychos emailing you pictures of their cock and telling you how much they want you to sit on their face and gargle their balls. Seriously, I must have a hundred dick pictures in my email. It’s like guys think looking at a cock makes me want to rip my fucking pants off and play DJ on myself. Listen asshole, that shit doesn’t do it for me. Or any girl for that matter. If I wanted to see gross ass dicks I would spend my entire fucking day on Chat Roulette.

Anyways, few years back, Evan Longoria was just a puny little MVP of the Cape League, no big deal. Okay kind of a big deal. He spotted my facebook account via internet stalking and started talking to me, probably in hopes that when he visited the Cape he would have a girl ready to cram meats with and lick his asshole and shit like that. Well clearly he knows how to get me all hot and bothered because he sent me a picture of his ultra white glow in the dark dick. (Ladies or gay guys feel free to check it out. Obviously NSFW) Perfect. Just what I’ve always wanted. Unfortunately, the email chain isn’t as entertaining as I would like it to be, it would make for a way better story. In fact, the only words included in the email are, “Like that babe?” I had completely forgotten about the whole thing until we were in the office the other day talking about dick pictures and I mentioned that I still had it. It’s not exciting to me, a dick is a fucking dick. Pres went insane about it and was dying to see it and giggle like a little girl. Well here it is. And take that Schlongoria for burning this beacon of shit into my brain. And that goes for anyone else sending me pictures of their dick too. Next person who sends me a picture of their dick is going to get their face plastered all over BSS because that’s just how I roll so knock it the fuck off.

Jenna | Random Thoughts | 05/25/10, 1:34 pm |

71 People have left comments on this post

» CptKballs said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:31 }

Would you like me to send you a picture of me lying in bed with my shirt off, blowing kisses to the camera?

» Wicked Mr Pickett said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:59 }

I didn’t click on the link (no homo) but if this is for real this is a real story….I don’t know if Pres should be ecstatic or pissed that you held this for months.

By the way, there is a 100% chance of Mr Pickett’s Wicked stick ending up in your inbox by morning.

» stickydart said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:01 }

Did anyone seriously click on the link?

» superdefjeff said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:14 }

Jenna,

You are solid gold here, please keep writing.

» SuckaPlz said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:59 }

Did anyone seriously click on the link?

Apparently the Prez sure wanted to look AND giggle over it.

“Pres went insane about it and was dying to see it and giggle like a little girl.”

» Rush Limbaugh said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:16 }

Fire her. Now.

» ltmatthews said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:25 }

Ah the timeless art of seduction

» tcond8 said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:07 }

can i send you a picture of my sac. its kinda cool, you can see the scar from where the doctors took out my third nut when i was younger. it goes right down the middle

» pedies lazer show said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:11 }

chicks can be funny? the dj line was solid

» oldbold said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:20 }

big baby loves schlongoria… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1XPG_HX6aM

» elpresidente said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:52 }

To clarify I was laughing about the story. I had no interest in the cock. If it’s not Lambert or Nomar I ain’t looking

» Monty Capuletti said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:18 }

I clicked thinking it was a joke. It wasn’t. Thanks Jenna, I used to like you.

(shudder)

» mcmurphy said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:45 }

Holy shit, this is going to be huge (no pun intended). I just mean that Deadspin rakes in the pageviews whenever they post pics of athlete dong. Then again their gay readership is presumably a lot bigger than Barstool’s.

» Fishy_Fingers said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:59 }

Way to go Jenna, you had the opportunity to fuck the 2nd best 3rd baseman in the AL and failed. Whore.

» Medways Finest said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:01 }

soooooo hypothetically what would make you rip your pants off?

» CB2009 said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:53 }

Now I know why my husband is friends with you. I was legit just clapping at my desk.

» Skeeter said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:20 }

Pres, Jenna just blew your spot up with the whole – he giggled like a little girl line. This gal is a work of art and I want more stories from her. She’s the only girl that doesn’t have to make me a sandwich and chill in the kitchen.

» forum_4um said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:33 }

dudes cock is tiny. All i had to do was remind myself that I see tons of cocks everyday in the porn I watch. It was simple mind trick

» jackofspades said: { May 25, 2010 - 01:05:17 }

shit if Evan Longoria can’t close the deal with an awkward dick pic there is no hope for any of us

» i_ride_a_huffy said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:29 }

are we supposed to believe that Longoria doesn’t bugs bunny Jenna when he comes to town? who is she kidding.

» 120IQ said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:01 }

I thought the blog had been written by Jay King until I saw the signature at the bottom.

By the way Jenna, good job! I still would like to send you a picture of my right nipple, is very cute, I promise!

» Milan Lucic said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:36 }

“Peter, I’m a pediatrician. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s a fire engine you’re sitting on.”

» UrlachersLimpWrist said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:13 }

#1 you call that a dick?
#2 Jenna you’re pretty funny for a dyke. Now go make me a sandwich.

» Utah Get Me Two said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:44 }

Jenna could definitely tear your dick off in the sack with no hands…

CDW for sure

» crystalTLH said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:50 }

As someone who has been scarred by light saber dick pics, I feel your pain Jenna…Also, when I get dupped into taking a test drive I always end up disappointed. Dick pics can be so misleading.

» tuffnutz said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:59 }

lookin at a dick might be gay, but looking at famous dicks is not- FACT

» JimmyTubeSocks said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:49 }

like whooos that chick rockin kicks, she must be from out of town. Its so hard with my girls not around me, this def aint a nashville party, cuz all i see are staaaalllleeetooooooos, i gues i never got the mo f’in meeemoooo

» tbelason said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:59 }

You’re not bitter at all, which is good.

» Abortion Train said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:18 }

I hope this gets back to him… Mr. Longoria has some splainnn to do.

» JimmyTubeSocks said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:35 }

n the jayz song was oooon, n the jayz song was aaaaooooooooonnn!

» redneckMFer said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:56 }

Ya, so I’m new to The Stool and I was reading this as if ElPrez wrote it…rounding 3rd I’m like, “WTF?!”…I just made my own day!!!

» Chet Guntslatherer said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:40 }

“….. telling you how much they want you to sit on their face and gargle their balls.”

didn’t know you had a set of balls Jenna, thanks for sharing!

» donkey show said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:07 }

what does jenna look like?

el pres is finally living his dream of being a perceived “guys guy” when in all reality he likes fashion and fag singers more. so now he gets to be the bad guy wrestler on his site and make money off you mongoloids that buy these shit t-shirts.

where is thornton?

» Numero Two said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:37 }

Jenna,

What about pictures of a guy holding a baby goat? Hot shit right?

By the way if she did write this it is officially the funniest piece of literature that a woman has ever written in the history of ever.

» SlimCharles227 said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:36 }

JimmyTubeSocks said: { May 25, 2010 – 02:05:35 }
n the jayz song was oooon, n the jayz song was aaaaooooooooonnn

and then i put my hands up and grabbed is little dong,

its a party in the tampa bay, its a party in the tampa bay

» triaxmax said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:54 }

Jenna wouldn’t dig him unless there was a blue skunk stripe down the middle of his cock…

» MrsMoody said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:03 }

1. I’ve seen better.
2. Jenna – you fucking rule.

» big-baby-is-half-retarded said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:27 }

does anyone else get turned on whenever they read one of jenna’s blogs?

» youkilising said: { May 25, 2010 - 02:05:43 }

Does Longoria’s dick qualify as “celebrity cock”?

» The-Viking said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:32 }

I want to see Jenna’s private parts.

» The-Viking said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:25 }

Donkey Show, you have never seen Jenna?

» betheljohnsonshands said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:08 }

Jenna is the Stool’s best asset. And I’d like her to show me her assets.

» bc makes love then cries said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:44 }

if you clicked on the link to see another man’s penis, you are gay, end of story.

» tuffnutz said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:36 }

» bc makes love then cries said: { May 25, 2010 – 03:05:44 }

if you clicked on the link to see another man’s penis, you are gay, end of story.

Disagree, you can look you just cant touch- the only reason you wouldnt click on it is if you are afraid you will like it, do you only watch lesbian porn? that s what i thought

» CleanDirties said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:12 }

Mortal Lock: Jenna looks like horse shit without fuckin rainbow colors all over her face and hair

» bc makes love then cries said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:03 }

tuffnutz, dick in porn is incidental. the motive to to see snapper, not cock.

any clicking on links with the promise of being shown dick and only dick is gay.

» donkey show said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:04 }

someone link me to a pic of jenna por favor

» JohnnyO said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:14 }

She hated it so much she saved it.

That just gave me all the incentive I need to keep sending random profiles of my manhood to all the desirables out there…..thanks, Jenna.

» triaxmax said: { May 25, 2010 - 03:05:30 }

Congrats Jenna…you made Deadspin..you’re famous!

http://deadspin.com/5547487/and-now-a-photo-of-evan-longorias-penis-allegedly

» jackofspades said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:38 }

donkey show she’s in all the stoolapalooza gallaries

» Andy Moog said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:04 }

Jenna, did you send him a pic of your dick back? It’s only fair.

» Leroy said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:43 }

Fucking newbies. This is Jenna. Yes, the same one. Beg for mercy.

http://boston.barstoolsports.com/hot-gallery/true-taste-of-the-caribbean-bikini-model-search-sponsored-by-presidente-light-jenna/?pid=8993

» Madison said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:44 }

It’s a good looking dick Peter.

» Racki said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:42 }

This girl better hope she is telling the truth because you can be sure lawyers are going to get involved now that Deadspin picked up the story!

» uvmbasspro said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:51 }

Huffington post too:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/25/evan-longoria-penis-pictu_n_589257.html

» Longpole the Clown said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:37 }

ummmm…..is that Bill Belichick standing in the background with the visor on ???

» Clint Oris said: { May 25, 2010 - 04:05:54 }

The pole on the HPost is enlightening.

» the jackal? said: { May 25, 2010 - 05:05:07 }

tits or get the fuck out

» donkey show said: { May 25, 2010 - 05:05:17 }

she’s cute. probably a 5 anywhere but the northeast so due to curve she gets a 7. funny story, good publicity.

is this the same girl that had the video camera outside the garden?
if so better writing then tv personality

» fusiyichipegasus said: { May 25, 2010 - 05:05:42 }

“Next person who sends me a picture of their dick is going to get their face plastered all over BSS because that’s just how I roll so knock it the fuck off.”

My friends better pray that they don’t leave their facebook signed in around me.

» salespro said: { May 25, 2010 - 08:05:44 }

he sends me d*ck pics too! this is him without a doubt!!!! i have some just like this!!! this is really funny i cant believe someone actually posted one of them on the internet. i should do the same thing!

» Bubbles said: { May 25, 2010 - 09:05:14 }

Hey Jenna,
This, no doubt, was the most blatant attempt to secure Stoolie cock pics I have ever seen. You blew it by forgetting to include your email, though. Not too late…just throw it in the comments section and your gmail will rain flesh poles.

» That Guy said: { May 25, 2010 - 10:05:58 }

fusiyichipegasus said: { May 25, 2010 – 05:05:42 }

“Next person who sends me a picture of their dick is going to get their face plastered all over BSS because that’s just how I roll so knock it the fuck off.”

My friends better pray that they don’t leave their facebook signed in around me.

Do your friends have pictures of their dicks on their facebook?

» TLOCO12 said: { May 26, 2010 - 08:05:18 }

Solid move by Longoria here, cock pics are always funny and strike up a conversation…and please Jenna sucked his mule right off, stop with the almighty girl power…. this type of broad salivates over that shit