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Christwire.org - To help turn the tide on this crisis, it’s important for parents and work supervisors to be able to spot a chronic or even just a casual masturbator in their midst. Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. The internet also makes it much easier for parents to identify a child’s masturbation habits.

As a blogger you got to know when a story has you beat. Like when there is no way you can be funnier than the story itself. This is one of those times. Just tip your cap and move on because there is no way I can do all the one liners in this thing justice. Although I will say Chuchwire stole my move with that whole “smell the mattress, inhale deeply and irregardless of smell announce “That smells like semen” thing. I’ve been doing that shit with every girlfriend I’ve ever had my whole life. Because when you look like I do you can’t be too safe . So you got to constantly be smelling their thongs and sheets and shit and see what happens. If the chick turns red and runs out of the room she’s been getting dick on the side no questions asked.

PS – I hate pinkish skin hue tone beating off motherfuckers.