So Twitter has this new app called “Vine.” I guess it’s just like Twitter but for videos rather than words. Also just like Twitter, they don’t give a fuck what you put on it. No censorship whatsoever. So, as you can imagine. Everybody is putting up videos of them fucking or them jerking off or just run of the mill naked shit. Sounds pretty cool, right? An unlimited amount of amateur porn? Fucking goldmine.

Not so fast my friend. First of all, just like Twitter limits your characters to 140, Vine limits your videos to 6 seconds. I haven’t jerked off to a video less than 28 minutes in God knows how long. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously don’t come anywhere close to lasting the full 28 minutes but it’s nice to have the option. Jerking off to “clips” is so 2000. If I wanted to stare at a grainy screen while I replayed the same clip over and over I’d plug my Gateway into a phone jack and sign up for another free 120 hours of AOL.

Second of all, while amateur porn is obviously the best. It’s also CLEARLY the most hit or miss. You can get some smoking hot girl next door or you can get some absolutely disgusting BBW who fucks herself on camera hoping to get one freaky fetish person to tell her she’s beautiful so she goes one more day before killing herself. But the thing about amateur porn on porn sites is you have filters. You can search for  most watched or highest rated and come pretty close to eliminating all the gross chicks. No such filters on Vine. Just a mashup of gross people thrown right in the middle of the hotties. And keeping a hard on while scrolling through chicks with hairy assholes is a lot more difficult that it is to keep one while a video buffers.

Now having said all that, I obviously have the app. And the second it gets big enough that porn stars have it and I can search for them rather than “#NSFW” I’ll be all over it. Because I just did my first search and it’s basically Chat Roulette. A good idea on paper that ends up just being a bunch of videos of dudes jerking off. No thanks. I’ll wait for Asa Akira to get an account before I check back in.