I Have Zero Need For A 2-Tap Kegerator Refrige But After Reading This Craigslist Ad I Don’t Know How I Ever Lived Without One
2-Tap kegerator to make you happy – $500 (Cambridge)
Oh Shit, did you read that right? Damn straight, son. It’s a motherfucking kegerator. You know you’re thinking “oh FUCK – what I need to freshinate this dank-ass chill pad is some swill on motherfucking TAP.” Well, alright then, Chumley, I’ve got just the thing to satisfy that craving. This ain’t no bitch-ass, tiny-dick, “you could fit a 30-rack’s worth and that’s it” bullshit – this honkey is a motherfucking full-sized fridge. Fucking magnets on it and everything.
It’s got TWO TAPS bitches, comin’ straight out the damn door. Why two? Because sometimes you want an IPA, and sometimes you want a stout, that’s why. Shit, sometimes you wanna get creative and put fucking hard lemonade on tap. Who the fuck knows what you’ll do with this shit?!? My guess is pound some brews with your homies and then get laid. That’s what this fucker DOES.
Did I mention that it’s a fridge? Don’t make me say it again, cuz it is, homeslice. Or it was, before we turned it into a beer-goggles-delivering stroke of genius, of course.
This piece can fit a half keg PLUS a pony keg at the SAME DAMN TIME, BOY. Hell, it fits a pair of 1/6 kegs (you know, logs, son – that’s a lot of hooch) LIKE A SNAP. Holy hell, you could fit a third log in there just for shits, in case your homeboy Todd comes over and snarfs all your sauce down (why does he always do that? What a douche). No matter – BLAM. Extra. Who just kept the party going? You did, like a boss. Now it’s titty-twister time because of it and you’re the guest of honor. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
You still wanna know how big it is? Look at your fridge. That big. Didn’t we already go over this? This ain’t no tiny-ass fit-under-your-desk shit; this needs a chunk of space. For greatness in this world, we all have to make sacrifices. At least it’s just floorspace for this, and not a damn nut. Think about it.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU CLEAN THE LINES? Easy. I throw in the thing you use, and the beer line cleaner fluid I have, and then you look it up online. It’s easy. IDIOTS do this shit for bars all the time. You can totes make it work. It’s fucking simple.
This fucker has a FREEZER UNIT on top of it, because it’s a fridge. The fridge part works awesome; the freezer part is a little iffy. I wouldn’t use it to store ice-cream, but it works great for cold-assed mugs. Impress your old man!
I’ve added some pics, so you know what the hell we’re talkin’ about (in case you’ve been sleeping through this post the whole time or some shit). The Fridge, the taps, the tank, the tubes, the cleaner thing (not displayed) are all included. No skimming here!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the taps is a little loose on the door. It can be tightened with some long-nosed pliers things, which I don’t have. It works fine; don’t be scroogy about it. I ain’t gonna lead you astray. This puppy is the shit, I’m just moving and don’t have room for it at the new digs. Your gain punk!
What the shit do you have to do to get this awesome badassitude increasor into your soon to be not-so-humble abode? EASY SHIT. CHECK IT.
STEP ONE: Let me know you want it!
STEP TWO: Come to my place with a big-ass vehicle!
I mean it, big-ass. Pickup truck, van, something like that. This won’t fit in or on your fucking Prius. It might fit in your minivan, but not really safely. It’s a damn fridge, kid. Use your head.
STEP THREE: Pay me $500 in cold, hard cash! Look, you can find other kegerators on CL for like $400-750 and those bitches just have ONE TAP. One guy is asking for a fucking JETSKI OR BOAT in return for his. FUCK THAT NOISE. I’m not trying to make a million off this thing. I just want some chill-ass bro or bre who loves beer to have this shit IN THEIR DIGS getting fresh, frosty brews whenever the hell they want, and I want some money to make it happen. We all win.
If you really want the thing, but $500 is a little out of your range, let me know and we can rap it out. I’m chill, and I know what it’s like to jones for something fierce. I’m a reasonable man. We’ll talk.
STEP FOUR: Take it home, plug it in, throw in a keg or two, and be the hero of your frat, the desire of every honey you bring home, and an all-around swell guy/gal. You know you want it. It calls to you in your dreams. You’re gonna wake up tonight in a cold sweat wishing you had it in your home. GIVE IN AND BUY IT.
Seriously, Cochise. Your friends are counting on you. Don’t fuck this up.
The First Lady is absolutely going to kill me when she comes home Monday and our brand new refrig is in the trash and we have the 2-tap kegerator in it’s place. But I think once she reads the description she’ll understand. I mean “this ain’t no bitch-ass, tiny-dick, “you could fit a 30-rack’s worth and that’s it” bullshit – this honkey is a motherfucking full-sized fridge. Fucking magnets on it and everything. It’s got TWO TAPS bitches, comin’ straight out the damn door.” So how could she not understand? And more importantly do I have to get this bro to write for us or what?