I Just Booked My Honeymoon

Ananova – Luxury ocean liners in Russia are offering pirate hunting cruises aboard armed private yachts off the Somali coast. Wealthy punters pay £3,500 per day to patrol the most dangerous waters in the world hoping to be attacked by raiders. When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns and rocket launchers, reports Austrian business paper Wirtschaftsblatt. Passengers, who can pay an extra £5 a day for an AK-47 machine gun and £7 for 100 rounds of ammo, are also protected by a squad of ex special forces troops. The yachts travel from Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya. The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five nautical miles in an attempt to attract the interest of pirates. “They are worse than the pirates,” said Russian yachtsman Vladimir Mironov. “At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages, these people are just paying to commit murder,” he continued.

So originally the First Lady and I were going to go Mexico for our honeymoon, but then the Swine Flu hit and since I have the worst immune system in the world we figured it would be better to cancel it than have me die. I was pretty bummed out at the time, but it turns out the Swine Flu was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because now I can book our dream Somalian Pirate Hunting Honeymoon instead. I mean how awesome is this? Yeah people can talk until their blue in the face about how awesome honeymoon sex is but I guarantee you regular honeymoon sex doesn’t hold a candle to Pirate hunting honeymoon sex. I mean there is just something magical about fucking while simultaneously throwing grenades and shooting AK 47’s at pirates. In fact I bet if you could bottle that shit you’d put Viagra out of business in a week. My only concern is that I’m not sure I qualify as a “Punter” and the trip seems kind of expensive. Oh well I guess I’ll just have to crank up the old tshirt machine…